Thursday, June 2, 2011

RALPH Takes to America's Roadways!

Candidate RALPH is wasting no time launching his 2012 effort. Inspired in part by Sarah Palin's bus tour, which has already taken her from the Rolling Thunder motorcycle event to airport-ready chain pizza with "The Donald" in Times Square, RALPH is taking to the road in a style more uniquely his own.

The 2008 campaign van having been scrapped following a series of mishaps - the final, most fatal one involving a cotton candy machine, a backhoe and three goats of questionable provenance - the Sonnys held a meat draw to raise funds for a new campaign vehicle. $700 and 15 pounds of ground chuck later, the campaign's prayers were answered in the form of a vintage Airstream trailer which could be hitched to the Sonnys' pickup to ensure that the candidate could travel in air-conditioned comfort.

RALPH's first demand was that the side of the trailer be painted trompe l'oeil style (although of course he didn't use that phrase, but said, in so many words, THAT CRAZY SPELLING FRENCH STUFF THAT MAKES THINGS LOOK LIKE OTHER THINGS, BUT I WON'T SAY THAT BECAUSE I'M ALL ABOUT THE FRENCH-HATE, IRISH-HATE, GUINNESS-HATE, BERETS-HATE, EUROPE-HATE...) with the image of a fierce attack dog, to demonstrate to supporters on the campaign trail just how serious a defense policy he has in mind for the USA. Readers of this blog will remember the border wall with Dobermans, moat and alligators.

The results were less than satisfying, but all that the campaign can afford until the donation machine churns up into high gear.

Additional decor requested by RALPH included the pasta and white goods prominently depicted on the sides of the trailer, as well as the American flag which will stream out after the trailer en route. Unfortunately, the massive size that RALPH requested proved incompatible with the requirement to keep the flag from touching the, at the end of the day, the campaign had to settle for a small desk flag and a bicycle bell.

On the interior, the RALPH trailer is also sumptuously appointed, including genuine Naugahyde upholstery in the dining and lounging area. Repurposed carpeting was acquired at bargain rates from a Howard Johnson's renovation in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. And a splendid folding metal chair was retrieved from a dumpster and spray-painted red, white and blue to facilitate seating for RALPH's no doubt numerous autograph sessions.

Whichever BLAT eventually joins the campaign will be sleeping on an air mattress in the Sonnys' pickup's bed.

And what route, you ask, will this epic vehicle be taking?

Read future posts and discover, Grasshopper. RALPH can be cagier even than Sarah Palin. And certainly yet more unpredictable.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Opposition Group Vows "Ralph will Never See the White House"

The Rapturous Troll Brigade may be rejoicing about RALPH’s presidential campaign, but not everyone is so happy. A new political organization called "RALPH’s Unstoppable Irish Nemesis" (RUIN) issued the following statement today:

RUIN wants to warn America about the latest nutcase to enter the race for the job of Most Powerful Man in the Country. Speaking from his usual seat at the Harp and Hiccup Irish pub in Queens, New York, RUIN’s president described RALPH as a loser who, in the unlikely event that he’s ever elected, will run anyone of Irish descent out of the USA.

"This RALPH fellow makes Sarah Palin look like an intellect," said RUIN’s President, Seamus O’Carolan (Yogi) McWriggles. "I don’t know how he got such a bee in his bonnet about the Irish - maybe it’s some kind of Freudian thing - but he rags on and on about it and no one else gives a shite."

For example, McWriggles noted, RALPH has just called on Britain to depose Queen Elizabeth for her state visit to Ireland, replacing her with her grandson, "The New King Billy" and thus bringing about a new Glorious Revolution. "If he’s President, he’ll spend more time in trying to overthrow another country’s government than in governing his own. I ask you, is that what an American President does? Oops, Bush did that, didn’t he? Never mind."

McWriggles also promised that RUIN would dog RALPH’s footsteps throughout the campaign. "We’ve got our rowdy student hecklers ready for every rally. The Guinness Cream Pie Throwing brigade is busy in their kitchens as we speak. We’ve got musicians who are prepared to sing Enya songs and play Chieftains music outside his window every night. I guarantee, he’ll never get closer to the White House than Council Bluffs, Iowa. Here, have another Bailey's, on me. Erin go bragh!"

The RALPH/BLAT campaign has yet to issue a response.

Friday, May 27, 2011

RALPH/BLAT Return for 2012!!!!!

It has finally come to this, dear friends. Trump has bailed. Daniels is no longer in it to win it. Huckabee has jumped the riverboat. We have remaining the failure-prone field of Cain, Pawlenty, and perhaps Santorum..the latter of whose canine Google issues doom him from the outset.

Oh, and Gingrich, already tripping over his own feet.

The less said about Sarah Palin’s bus tour, the better, at this point. Perhaps she and Ralph will find true love and she’ll be our next gun-totin’, moose-obliteratin’ First Lady.

But, there is no viable alternative, our faithful brethren. No possible course other than this.

We must revive the campaign to bring our One True Saviour to the pinnacle of government, aided and abetted by his able and worthy comrades.

The RAPTURE RALPH FOR PRESIDENT campaign must rise again!!!!


Sales of the RALPH/BLAT commemorative coin set having been sparse at best, our first effort must be to fill the campaign coffers apace. Toward that end, Konservo, coming off a very successful turn as a Munchkin in the ongoing Broadway run of Wicked, has contributed a nest egg from which he will match every donation to the JIHAD-LOVING Newshounds site between now and the end of June 2011…assuming nobody gets unexpectedly Raptured during that time. But dear Konservo’s funds will not go to that effort, my friends. Oh, no, indeed. Every penny of his treasure hoard will fund the resurgence of our Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – our long-lost but never-forgotten RALPH and BLAT.

And what of these paragons, during the interval since their last sighting?

RALPH has spent much of his time closeted with Harold Egbert Camping (yes, it’s really his middle name...which explains so much, in a way) in the otherwise godless enclave of California’s Bay Area, poring over Scripture and bashing madly at their outdated paper-tape calculators, seeking the precise mathematical formula to forecast the Rapture correctly for the masses…well, and occasionally going in for a professional de-lousing. (And don’t let RALPH’s disclaimers of non-involvement sway you, either: there are too many sightings of deliveries to the Family Radio offices of Peet’s Coffee laced with ten sugars and garlic to be explained by anything other than the presence of RALPH and the Sonnys.) True, he has stepped aside occasionally to rail against his Irish nemeses…but that was only when Camping was having a nap, so that’s OK. And, besides, they now have until October, if you hadn’t heard. So don’t cancel plans for that Labor Day fundraising BBQ.

As for BLAT, there is the usual confusion between Campaign Blat and California Blat to be reckoned with. Reports have come in that Campaign Blat has been spotted in various Wisconsin venues, using his Google Street View van to track the movements of opponents of Governor Scott Walker, whilst still occasionally lapsing into show tunes under his breath. California Blat, meanwhile, has been reportedly attending events sponsored by the Malibu Film Society and hanging ten at the beach. We feel sure, however, that one or perhaps both of them will materialize once the campaign catches fire anew. Neither of them could ever resist the spotlight.

Konservo? Well, if anything, he’s been the most in evidence of them all, and intelligence suggests that he is in discussions with TLC to develop a new reality show called Konservo’s Fabulous Friends, in which he cultivates a dozen different individuals not unlike himself, tragically eliminating one each week following such challenges as drag-queen dressing, the toilet-brush tango, and crafting the ultimate canape/cocktail combo, until he finds his soulmate. Despite this intelligence, however, we are confident that he will be able to juggle this endeavor with the demands of the campaign trail.

Are you WITH us, friends? Let’s give the White House the leader it deserves. RALPH and BLAT resurgent – Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – on the trail officially for 2012!