Monday, May 30, 2011

Opposition Group Vows "Ralph will Never See the White House"

The Rapturous Troll Brigade may be rejoicing about RALPH’s presidential campaign, but not everyone is so happy. A new political organization called "RALPH’s Unstoppable Irish Nemesis" (RUIN) issued the following statement today:

RUIN wants to warn America about the latest nutcase to enter the race for the job of Most Powerful Man in the Country. Speaking from his usual seat at the Harp and Hiccup Irish pub in Queens, New York, RUIN’s president described RALPH as a loser who, in the unlikely event that he’s ever elected, will run anyone of Irish descent out of the USA.

"This RALPH fellow makes Sarah Palin look like an intellect," said RUIN’s President, Seamus O’Carolan (Yogi) McWriggles. "I don’t know how he got such a bee in his bonnet about the Irish - maybe it’s some kind of Freudian thing - but he rags on and on about it and no one else gives a shite."

For example, McWriggles noted, RALPH has just called on Britain to depose Queen Elizabeth for her state visit to Ireland, replacing her with her grandson, "The New King Billy" and thus bringing about a new Glorious Revolution. "If he’s President, he’ll spend more time in trying to overthrow another country’s government than in governing his own. I ask you, is that what an American President does? Oops, Bush did that, didn’t he? Never mind."

McWriggles also promised that RUIN would dog RALPH’s footsteps throughout the campaign. "We’ve got our rowdy student hecklers ready for every rally. The Guinness Cream Pie Throwing brigade is busy in their kitchens as we speak. We’ve got musicians who are prepared to sing Enya songs and play Chieftains music outside his window every night. I guarantee, he’ll never get closer to the White House than Council Bluffs, Iowa. Here, have another Bailey's, on me. Erin go bragh!"

The RALPH/BLAT campaign has yet to issue a response.

Friday, May 27, 2011

RALPH/BLAT Return for 2012!!!!!

It has finally come to this, dear friends. Trump has bailed. Daniels is no longer in it to win it. Huckabee has jumped the riverboat. We have remaining the failure-prone field of Cain, Pawlenty, and perhaps Santorum..the latter of whose canine Google issues doom him from the outset.

Oh, and Gingrich, already tripping over his own feet.

The less said about Sarah Palin’s bus tour, the better, at this point. Perhaps she and Ralph will find true love and she’ll be our next gun-totin’, moose-obliteratin’ First Lady.

But, there is no viable alternative, our faithful brethren. No possible course other than this.

We must revive the campaign to bring our One True Saviour to the pinnacle of government, aided and abetted by his able and worthy comrades.

The RAPTURE RALPH FOR PRESIDENT campaign must rise again!!!!


Sales of the RALPH/BLAT commemorative coin set having been sparse at best, our first effort must be to fill the campaign coffers apace. Toward that end, Konservo, coming off a very successful turn as a Munchkin in the ongoing Broadway run of Wicked, has contributed a nest egg from which he will match every donation to the JIHAD-LOVING Newshounds site between now and the end of June 2011…assuming nobody gets unexpectedly Raptured during that time. But dear Konservo’s funds will not go to that effort, my friends. Oh, no, indeed. Every penny of his treasure hoard will fund the resurgence of our Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – our long-lost but never-forgotten RALPH and BLAT.

And what of these paragons, during the interval since their last sighting?

RALPH has spent much of his time closeted with Harold Egbert Camping (yes, it’s really his middle name...which explains so much, in a way) in the otherwise godless enclave of California’s Bay Area, poring over Scripture and bashing madly at their outdated paper-tape calculators, seeking the precise mathematical formula to forecast the Rapture correctly for the masses…well, and occasionally going in for a professional de-lousing. (And don’t let RALPH’s disclaimers of non-involvement sway you, either: there are too many sightings of deliveries to the Family Radio offices of Peet’s Coffee laced with ten sugars and garlic to be explained by anything other than the presence of RALPH and the Sonnys.) True, he has stepped aside occasionally to rail against his Irish nemeses…but that was only when Camping was having a nap, so that’s OK. And, besides, they now have until October, if you hadn’t heard. So don’t cancel plans for that Labor Day fundraising BBQ.

As for BLAT, there is the usual confusion between Campaign Blat and California Blat to be reckoned with. Reports have come in that Campaign Blat has been spotted in various Wisconsin venues, using his Google Street View van to track the movements of opponents of Governor Scott Walker, whilst still occasionally lapsing into show tunes under his breath. California Blat, meanwhile, has been reportedly attending events sponsored by the Malibu Film Society and hanging ten at the beach. We feel sure, however, that one or perhaps both of them will materialize once the campaign catches fire anew. Neither of them could ever resist the spotlight.

Konservo? Well, if anything, he’s been the most in evidence of them all, and intelligence suggests that he is in discussions with TLC to develop a new reality show called Konservo’s Fabulous Friends, in which he cultivates a dozen different individuals not unlike himself, tragically eliminating one each week following such challenges as drag-queen dressing, the toilet-brush tango, and crafting the ultimate canape/cocktail combo, until he finds his soulmate. Despite this intelligence, however, we are confident that he will be able to juggle this endeavor with the demands of the campaign trail.

Are you WITH us, friends? Let’s give the White House the leader it deserves. RALPH and BLAT resurgent – Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – on the trail officially for 2012!