COMING APRIL 1 - THE TROLL PARTY TOWN HALL DEBATE!!!

The Troll Party organizers have done the impossible! We’ve gotten RALPH, Konservo and California Blat to agree to answer YOUR questions and, we hope, DEBATE one another VIGOROUSLY on the issues!

On the evening of Tuesday, April 1, the Candidates will answer YOUR questions on any topic you choose to ask them about:
• war in the Middle East
• the environment
• doughnut bumping
• American Idol
• the meaning of life
• favorite toilet cleaners...

You name it, they'll debate it! No subject is off limits!

If you want to submit questions in advance to give the Candidates time to think (they need a LOT of time for that, you know), you can post them in the Comments section of this post, or on Newshounds Off-Topic Forum.

More details and logistical stuff to follow. Just stay tuned!

Will RALPH go orgasmic if he hears the word “pantsuit”?

Will Konservo give us a preview of his new Cher tribute show?

Will California Blat bring his seven line-dancing Rottweilers?

Join us on April 1 and find out!

`*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•..•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°`*’

RALPH ... KONSERVO ... CALIFORNIA BLAT!

LUNATIC CANDIDATES FOR A CRAZY WORLD!

They debate.... you decide! .

•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”``”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•. ”*°•.

Ad Wars Kick It Up a Notch - RALPH Answers the Phone

Reportedly outraged at Konservo's recent accusatory ad proclaiming him a "sissy" and "donut-bumper" for refusing to meet his former associate in debate, RALPH and his campaign today fired back with a new campaign advertisement outlining the value of his experience in...well, whatever RALPH is actually experienced in.



Whether it was Campaign Blat or California Blat referenced in the ad remains unclear. The Sonny Brothers, speaking for Team RALPH, declined to comment, Sonny White declaring that the advertisement "speaks for itself."

Barack of the Antarctic; RALPH's Ministry to Obama Continues

We thought RALPH would be heading for Pennsylvania, where Konservo is trying to needle him into a debate. Instead, the Morning After Road Show has taken an unexpected detour into Illinois. It was part of the Candidate's ongoing ministry to Senator Barack Obama, as was the following dramatization which took place this morning at a Holiness Fire Church just south of Springfield.

Sound of howling wind. Curtain rises on a rude log shack, with board walls, a few rough chairs, a gun-metal stove, and, incongruously, a big-screen TV. Through a window we can see mountains of ice. BARACK OBAMA (played by Ezekiel Zacharias, who has played Ann Coulter in previous episodes) sits on a rough wooden chair, wearing a parka with a fur hood. There are two husky dogs at his feet.

OBAMA (smiling a big phony smile): Hello everyone, and welcome to the latest installment of “Survivor: Antarctic Candidate,” the ultimate reality show that pits former Presidential candidates against one another and the savage Last Continent. I’m here with two of my huskies, Truffles and Caviar. John McCain wanted to be with us today, but he’s still nursing Mitt Romney after that sea lion attack. The sucker jumped right up out of the water and started chasing Mitt across an ice floe. I thought all seals did was swim. Today my pups and I will have a wonderful day. We’re going to go for a sled ride! Aren't you happy, girl? (Makes to pat Caviar, who snarls and tries to snap at his hand.)

Oh dear, we’re cross today. (Lowers his voice). And let me tell you something in confidence. I’m pretty cross myself. This place is a bitch. Sometimes, as I lie in my bunk listening to the wind howl and the ice crack, I think to myself, Barack, you should have listened to RALPH. He kept trying to tell you, with those phone calls and tracts and blog posts. He warned you to become Rapture Ready or you’d be spending the rest of your life, and all eternity, with You Know Who. But did I believe him? No! I thought he was a nutcase. I wanted too much to be President. And now where am I! Exiled to Antarctica, me and the man-eating sea lions.

The TV set suddenly switches itself on, revealing TARYN standing completely naked, holding a cucumber. The audience cheers.

TARYN: Hey, dude! None of that attitude! You are not an exile, remember; you’re an enthusiastic participant in a blockbuster reality-TV series.

OBAMA: Yes, that’s what PIAPS has told me to say. But let me tell you...

TARYN: No, let me tell you. There's a plane waiting on a runway in Christchurch, New Zealand. You know what’s on it. Real caviar and truffles. Filet mignon. Cognac. New hi-tech winter clothes. A box full of DVDs. If you're good, and stick to the script, we’ll give the word and that plane will take off, right to your door. But if you keep on with this attitude stuff... well, we’ll have to have another Elimination Challenge, and maybe what happened to Ron Paul will happen to you.

OBAMA (gulps) No - uh - no elimination challenges, thanks.

TARYN: Thought you’d agree. Now stop bitching and get back to playing the game. With verve and zest. I don't want to have to warn you again. I had to leave the Lincoln Bedroom to come speak to you, and there's an amazing party going on there and I really want to get back to it. If you make me come back and check on you again, I won’t be happy. (The TV switches off.)

OBAMA (sighing). Well, my furry friends, I guess we’d better go hunting. And don’t worry, we won't be out long and I won’t take you anywhere near that crevasse. (Exit OBAMA with dogs.)

Enter RALPH.

RALPH: TAKE HEED OF THIS MESSAGE, SENATOR OBAMA! YOU WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT - ALL YOU’LL EVER BE IS A WALKING TARGET!!!!

EMBRACE THE RAPTURE!!! CAREFULLY REVIEW THE MATERIALS SENT TO YOU, ESPECIALLY THE MORNING AFTER !!!! SHARE IT WITH YOUR STAFF!!!! CALL THE CONFIDENTIAL AMERICAPHILE PRAYER COUNSELING NUMBER FOR ONE-ON-ONE WITNESSING AND MINISTRY!!!! FIND A VOTER REGISTRATION FORM AT YOUR OFFICE AND TO CHANGE YOUR PARTY AFFILIATION TO THE PRO-AMERICAN G.O.P.!!!!

SENATOR, PLEASE DON'T GO WITH THE FLOE; GO WITH THE RAPTURE!!! YOU WILL BE FEASTING IN PARADISE WHILE AMERICA GROVELS UNDER THE HEEL OF SKANKY, CARPET-MUNCHING PIAPS!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

We have no word from Senator Obama’s office on whether he intends to follow RALPH’s counsel - or join the march of the penguins.

Konservo Surges With a Hard-Hitting Ad in Pennsylvania

Desperate to make his mark on the Troll Party campaign, in the face of Ralph's popularity surge thanks to the traveling show of "The Morning After" and California Blat's undeniable populist appeal given his magical baseball cap's largesse, KONSERVO - largely shedding his cross-dressing mantle in order to challenge Ralph's lead in the polls - is hitting back hard with a new campaign video.




While Konservo could not be reached for comment on this latest salvo in the increasingly acrimonious Troll Party campaign, the following comments were recorded from rival campaigners.

McCain: "Who's this young feller anyway? What about the Spanish? Have we ceded Arizona?"
Obama: "I prefer to discuss the way forward, not the way backward."
Clinton: "Do you want the Troll Party answering the phone at 3 AM?"
Ralph: "PIAPS! Pantsuit! Pantsuit! Pantsuit! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Konservo, meanwhile, is reported to be organizing street theatre in Pittsburgh over the coming weeks.

Yes, the RALPHTURE is still coming!!!

"If Senator Clinton does not win the Democratic Primary does that mean the Apocalypse will be called off or just delayed?" asked the Roachman the other day.

It’s a question that many RALPH watchers are starting to ask: what will happen to our candidate if the Obama juggernaut continues? RALPH bases his whole campaign on the assumption that Clinton will win handily, thus ushering in the End Times - which he himself will miss because he’ll have been Raptured by then. But if Obama wins the nomination, does that mean no End Times? No Rapture? RALPH is stuck on this earth for another who knows how long?

He hinted at the answer to that question earlier this month. The other day he and his Bedlam Buddies, in their latest installment of the dramatized Morning After (presented at the Holy Rapture Tabernacle in Southeast Wazoo Junction, Texas), hinted at it again.

Scene: a psychiatrist’s office. PIAPS is lying on the couch. DR. FERNSEHER, in a rumpled suit and a long beard, is sitting in a chair beside her, taking notes.

DOCTOR: But you have no reason to feel this way. You have everything you ever dreamed of. You are the President of the United States. You have unlimited power. You’ve won Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity to your side. You’re sending your enemies the Rapture Christians to re-education camps by the trainload. (Boos from the audience). And the Lincoln Bedroom is full of nubile young ladies ready to kick off their Speedos at the crook of your finger. Sweaty moaning ecstasies all night long! Bumping of doughnuts until there is nothing left of them but a few crumbs and some congealed Boston creme! Tattooed breasts heaving -
PIAPS: Yes, Doctor, I take your point. Please wipe the drool off your mouth. I know I have everything I ever wanted, but, as Shakespeare said, "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown."
DOCTOR: Is there anything particular that makes you uneasy?
PIAPS: There are no listening devices in the room?
DOCTOR: Oh no, Ms. President, nothing like that!
PIAPS: Don’t take notes on this. That’s an executive order.
DOCTOR: (rips his notes into little pieces and stuffs them in his mouth) Mmmf. Go ahhdd.
PIAPS: I can hardly bear to admit it, Doctor, but - I’m afraid of RALPH.

DOCTOR chokes, and spews pieces of paper all over the floor.

PIAPS: Yes, it sounds bizarre, I know. But remember last August, when we got that telegram from Barack Obama? The one where he said he’d rather be an Antarctic explorer than the President, and was gone to McMurdo Sound to seek the meaning of life?
DOCTOR: How can we ever forget that? It dismayed the whole nation.
PIAPS: That telegram has been haunting me ever since.
DOCTOR: How so it has been haunting you?
PIAPS (wringing her hands): Because - I - no, I can’t say it. But RALPH ... he’s the only one in America who might have guessed...
DOCTOR (leaning forward and drooling again) Guessed what? (Silence). I said, WHAT!? (More silence. DOCTOR leaps from his chair.) SPIT IT OUT, PIAPS, YOU SKANKY BUNNY-BOILING, CARPET-MUNCHING, OSAMA-KISSING VAGITARIAN DEMLIB BITCH! YOU ARE EXPOSED!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
PIAPS (leaping to her feet): Oh no! It was you all the time! But you haven’t gotten anything out of me yet! And you never will! The Newshounds of the Caribbean are outside! They’ll feed you to the sharks!
RALPH: THE RAPTURE IS NOT CANCELLED!!! THE RAPTURE IS COMING!!!! DON’T BELIEVE THOSE JIHADIST LIBTARD NEWSHOUNDS!!! IT’S NOT PIAPS WHO DECIDES THESE THINGS BUT SOMEONE MUCH GREATER!!!!! THE RAPTURE IS COMING!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Curtain falls as RALPH continues to laugh maniacally.

This scene got a tremendous reception in Southeast Wazoo Junction. However, down in the West Texas town of El Paso, people are flocking to California Blat rallies (they particularly love the seven Rottweilers, whom he’s trained to line-dance while he sings "Walk this Way"), and RALPH is barely a blip on the political horizon.

A new poll coming out shortly may help us gauge Americans’ reaction to RALPH’s message, in light of the changing political situation.

Super Duper RALPH!

Super Tuesday and the primaries that followed were indeed Super for RALPH. He took the majority of states. Only in Louisiana did Konservo post a victory. California and Arizona went solidly to California Blat, even though he’s still an undeclared candidate; as did Tennessee and Georgia, where the Moment-Men campaigned vigorously on his behalf. (New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts don't count as there are no trolls in those states.)

RALPH's main drawing card continues to be the Zacharias family's dramatization of his magnum opus, The Morning After. Here is a faithful transcript of a performance that took place somewhere in Oklahoma:

An upstairs sitting room in the White House. Late in the evening of the same day as the previous scenes. A small table, two easy-chairs and a big-screen TV (actually a large cardboard frame with a curtain drawn over it.) PIAPS and JANET RENO are sitting in the easy chairs with their feet up, sipping wine.

PIAPS: Boy, I’m glad that peace-treaty dinner’s over. Osama has to be the world’s biggest bore. Does he ever talk about anything but jihad? And I wish he’d shampoo that beard at least once in a year.
RENO: But at least you have put an end to war with him.
PIAPS: True. And signed a trade treaty too. Once I’ve legalized opium, we can flood the country with Afghanistan’s number one export product and keep Americans smiling and happy.
RENO: And best of all - you don’t have to spend all that money on the war effort.
PIAPS: You know what the worst part of the evening was? Missing the O’Reilly Factor. I was dying to see how well my experiment went. Pour me another glass; I’m going to watch the tape right now.

She picks up a remote control and flicks it. The curtain on the TV draws back, revealing BILL O’REILLY and ANN COULTER (played by Ezekiel Zacharias). COULTER is wearing a low-cut black dress with a large cross around her neck.

O’REILLY: Welcome to the Factor. I’d like to welcome Ann Coulter back to my show tonight. Ann, why are you wearing that godawful black dress?
COULTER: It should be obvious. I’m in mourning for the death of America, and all it stands for.
O’REILLY: Completely hypocritical - wearing a cross along with that tight little dress. But that’s typical for a floozy like you. I don’t know why I keep having you on my show. Go on, talk.
COULTER: Clinton’s victory is the triumph of everything you and I hate...
O’REILLY: Speak for yourself, lady. Clinton’s victory is the best thing that ever happened to America. Only idiots like you don’t realize that.
COULTER: WHAT!? What in God’s name have you been drinking?
O’REILLY: Look, President Clinton is the savior of this country. She’s already brought us peace by signing that treaty with Bin Laden; she’s outlawed all churches and thus saved America from sectarian violence; and she’s going to give global warming and gay rights and gun control the attention they deserve. I’m surprised at you, trashing her like that after swearing you’d vote for her.
COULTER: I never did! What’s come over you?
O’REILLY: You’re just too full of hate, you right-wing mattress-warmer. AMERICA-HATE, DEMOCRAT-HATE, SOCIAL-JUSTICE-HATE, INCLUSIVENESS-HATE, PUBLIC-RADIO-HATE, NEWSHOUNDS-HATE, ONE-WORLD-HATE, PAUL-KRUGMAN-HATE, NORWAY-HATE, PEACE-HATE, BRING-THE-TROOPS-HOME-HATE, UNIVERSAL-HEALTH-CARE-HATE, ENVIRONMENTAL-RESPONSIBILITY-HATE, AL-GORE-HATE, ROSIE-O’DONNELL-HATE, SAME-SEX-MARRIAGE-HATE, UNITED-NATIONS-HATE, SANITY-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!
COULTER: Look here, you -
O’REILLY: Just shut up! I mean it, just SHUT UP! Cut her mike! CUT HER MIKE!!!

COULTER rises and lunges for O’REILLY’s throat; but two pirates elbow onto the screen and drag her away, screaming and kicking.

O’REILLY: Whew. Thanks, Newshounds of the Caribbean; the air smells a lot cleaner now. Stay tuned for my next guest - the Prime Minister of Canada, Mr. Rick Mercer, who is looking forward to exporting his country’s brand of health-care to the US.

The curtain is drawn over the TV. PIAPS and RENO high-five one another.

PIAPS: It’s wonderful! Better than I dreamed! Oh, Janet, I’ve never been so happy. I’ll take the peace dividend and spend it on re-programming! If I can do it to Bill O’Reilly I can do it to the whole world!

Curtain falls. RALPH comes out on stage and gives rant about how only he can save America from this scenario.

Rumor has it that RALPH will soon hold a press conference to discuss his platform, his amazing comeback, and the threat from California Blat. It’s rumored that he will be joined by young Zipporah Zacharias, who plays Clinton’s topless aide Taryn in the dramatizations. THAT ought to bring the reporters out!

Konservo Lagging in Polls as Super Tuesday Dawns

With the surprising success of Ralph's Screaming Glory Tour of The Morning After, as well as a groundswell of support for California Blat in the heartland states, Konservo - once the cross-dressing darling of the Troll Party, poised to wrest the nomination from Ralph's grasp - heads into Super Tuesday at a serious disadvantage. This blogger caught up with the candidate at a combination town hall and karaoke night in Galesburg, Illinois.

The crowd at Showgirls, perhaps dismayed that the usual "Monday Madness" pole dancing night had been interrupted for "polls" of another kind, showed little receptivity to Konservo's campaign platform despite his stunning red sequinned taffeta sheath dress and dramatic up-do. The audience was relatively placid through the candidate's opening rendition of "Born in a Trunk":

I was born in a trunk
At a Troll Campaign stop in Pocatello, Idaho;
It was during the stump speech on a Tuesday
And they swaddled me right up in that day’s Newsday.
When I first saw the light, it was red and angry
Coming from the temperamental crowd;
And when Reagan carried me out to say hello
They told me that I stopped the show.

So I grew up in a crazy world
Of smoky rooms and back-door rooms,
And rooms for snooping ’round behind the scenes.
And I can't forget the endless strings
Of Rovian plots and Yakki’s knots,
And nights without a condom in my jeans…

But it's all in the game and the way you play it
And you've got to play the game, you know,
When you're born in a trunk at a Troll Campaign stop
in Pocatello, Idaho.

Once Konservo began discussing his campaign platform, including such reasonable proposals as off-price designer outlets being within reasonable public transit distances for every American and the summary banning of overalls, the crowd became, as they say, restless. Boos and catcalls met his bold proposition that funding for faith-based initiatives instead be diverted to a new agency built around the principle of Fabulous-Based Funding, which would provide government grants to failed American Idol contestants who failed to advance despite broad popular backing from the viewers.

By the time Konservo got down to health care, foreign policy, infrastructure and government corruption, a faction of the audience was counter-chanting in support of Ralph, to the tune of "Waltzing Matilda":

Bump us some doughnuts, if you have the nuts,
But you've got no nuts, you sorry fair-eee,
So we'll sneer and we'll laugh
As our Ralphie wipes you off the map,
Then you'll be bumping your doughnuts for free!

Red-faced, Konservo stomped offstage at this taunt, in the process ignoring completely the one sober occupant of Showgirls, whose legitimate question regarding climate change went unheeded thanks to the swift, emotional exit.

On a nationwide scale, Konservo's position has fared little better. Campaign insiders say that Konservo had high hopes for an approval "bump" thanks to his recent appearance as a guest on Bravo's fourth season of Project Runway, where a competition late in the challenge was geared around designing him a truly devastating gown for the Troll Party Convention on April 1.

Sadly, the gambit backfired as even the talented remaining designers scrambled to outfit the candidate appropriately. "It's completely NOT what I do," observed Christian; while SweetP commented "If I don't really do menswear, it kind of goes without saying that I don't do womenswear for men! Geez!" The only designer who welcomed the challenge was Chris, who immediately set about prepping an enormous hat which would both complement Konservo's distinctive facial makeup and illustrate his equally distinctive campaign journey. Even Heidi Klum had praise for his miniature rendition of the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa - Konservo's springboard to global attention - and pronounced the designer's work in the challenge not just appropriate, but "wunderbar."

Spokespeople for the Konservo campaign were not responding to press queries as the entourage boarded their VW Westphalia to make for their regional headquarters at the Heart O'Chicago Motel to await the following day's returns.