RAPTURE-READY RIGHTEOUS RALPH ENTERS THE FRAY!!

*fade in*

Commentator: “Welcome America to the Troll Party Primary Debate! Tonight looks to be an historic moment, as we discuss the platforms, strategies, and insanity of our three remaining Troll Party™ candidates. We’ve already heard from Candidates California Blat and Konservo, up next is the self proclaimed ‘America’s Greatest President in Waiting’ and the Prophet of Lephari, RALPH!”

*camera shot changes*

Ralph: “BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHHHAA!!!!!! *mumbles incoherently*”

“LIBTARDS! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE MOUNTAINS!!! I HAVE OOZED FROM THE SWAMPS!! I HAVE SIFTED FROM THE DESERTS! I BRING A MESSAGE OF RAPTURE FOR YOU!!!!”

*rumble of applause*

“YOU DECRIED AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT AND TURNED FROM THE FAITH! STARSHIP JAYZUS APPROACHES (August 27th ™) AND YOU STIL DO NOT HATE!!!! YOU DON’T HATE ISLAMOFASCISTS! YOU DON’T HATE THE EVIL PIAPS!!! YOU DON’T HATE HER BUMPITY DONUTS!!!”

*shocked silence*

“EVIL JELLY-FILLED, GLAZE COVERED ABOMINATIONS! ANAL INVADING CREAM OOZING SUCCUBI!!!!”

*stunned looks*

“YOU ARE FILLED WITH TROOP-HATE, AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT HATE, IRAQ WAR HATE, PENIS-HATE, MONKEY-HATE!!”

*beginning epiphany*

“IT IS TIME TO TAKE BACK YOUR RECTUMS FROM THE DEVILS THE LIKES OF CALIFORNIA BLAT, KONSERVO AND PIAPS!!!! BE OF GOOD CHEER, FOR I, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT IN WAITING ™, AM HERE!!!!!”


*standing ovation*

Commentator: “Yes, herm. The floor is open for questions to the candidate.”

Are the Candidates RAPTURE READY?

Crement Boffo asked the Candidates:

Is each of you RAPTURE READY ? If you are, who will serve your term of office in your absence ?

California Blat answers:

I hate to tell you this but I don’t believe in the RAPTURE. That’s Ralph’s shtick.

There’s a RALPHY who’s sure
That he’s bound for rapture.
And he’s buying a stairway to heaven.
But he’s wrong as can be
And before long he’ll see
That he’s stuck here forever with PIAPS.
Oooooh
And it makes me wonder.

Experience the Rapture here on this earth!

P.S. But if I do get Raptured - mind, I say if - then who else to take my place but Elvis? Yeah, I know you think he's dead; but we all know he's really managing a gas station in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, by the banks of the Mississippi.

Konservo's Kampaign Komments

The candidate speaks:

Welcome, you lovely people! Sorry I'm a little bit late. Andre was just showing me this lovely silk charmeuse number that I think will be perfect for the Inaugural Ball.

I'll just jump right in and answer some of the questions that have been posed to me by fans at Newshounds OT:

• What about that RALPH’s hairstyle?

Well, I think it works for him. It’s been like that since he stuck one finger in a live electrical socket and the other into the ice cube maker on his fridge. One of his defining moments. He SAW THE LIGHT! {{{giggles}}}

• Come to that, what’s with YOUR hair, dude?

Isn’t it fabulous? You’re going to be seeing a lot of this look in the general election. Konservo is the new “cool.” McCain is SO jealous!

• Look, you haven’t been very consistent. First you’re RALPH’s hanger-on, then you’re cross-dressing in Ottawa clubs, and then you’re back on the campaign trail in opposition. How can we TRUST in what a Konservo Presidency would bring?

Not consistent?! I’ve been perfectly consistent with what the voices in my head are telling me. And lately they’ve been saying that RALPH will be a disaster as President. His Rapture-talk used to inspire me until I figured out he was talking about right-wing religion instead of orgies. What will happen to his brilliant fictional vision if he actually wins the contest? Instead of all that delicious stuff going down in the Lincoln Bedroom, he’ll be in there for real with a bunch of balding, paunchy preachers, trying to see who can yell the loudest! You can TRUST me on that. I’ll be a hell of a lot more fun. The table dancing has only just begun.

• If you become President, how will you decorate the White House?

I’d like to bring a retro/Bohemian vibe to the place. Inflatables and beanbag chairs for Cabinet meetings and maybe some hammocks on the North Portico for visiting dignitaries. Beaded curtains and black light. Lava lamps. Yeah, that would be groovy.

• Are the rumours about your virginity true?

What have you heard, sweetheart? No, but, seriously. If you want someone – ahem! – “experienced,” I’m your choice. There’s no scandal I haven’t already participated in and put behind me. It would be hard to pin anything on MY tail! And don’t think it hasn't been tried...

Fire away, you beautiful people! I'll be back just as soon as I've freshened up a little...

An Opening Statement from California Blat

Oh they call me Blat
Come from Californ’
I’m gonna be President
Just as sure as you’re born
So you give me your vote
Leave old Ralphy alone
I’m the one you need
‘Cause I’m BLAT to the bone
I’m BLAT to the bone
B-b-b-b-b-b-BLAT
B-b-b-b-b-b-BLAT...

And now I'll answer some questions that a certain ET asked me particularly:

Pantsuits – fabulous, or manifest evil? Pick a side: we’re at war.

You’re at war; I love the world.

But seriously: better a woman in a pantsuit than a man in a dress.

I’m not the world’s most puritan bloke,
But when I see him prancing I just want to choke
That Konservo
Ko-ko-ko-Konservo

Ko-ko-ko-Konservo....

What role do you, as California Blat, foresee for your demoralized twin Campaign Blat in a Ralph/Blat White House?

There won’t be a Ralph/Blat White House.

But as for Campaign Blat, I sincerely pity him. It’s not his fault that I got all the magic as well as the brains and talent, during that whatever-it-was in Smallville. And RALPH has destroyed what little brain he had left. I would go talk to him and show him the love and tenderness that poor lost soul deserves - except I don’t want his negativity to rub off on me.

What about the Iraq "surge? Are payments to insurgents professionalism and "good business?

Depends what you’re paying them for. I will pay insurgents only if:
- they make good kebabs
- they’ll teach me how to sing "Heartbreak Hotel" in Arabic
- they’ll teach my Rottweilers how to belly dance
- they actually hit me when they shoot at me. (NOTE from Hiram: CB is too moddist to say it but, you see, bullets don’t do him no hurt. Even them Impervised Exploding Thangs can’t harm him - they jist tickle him a bit.)

Will you institute a system of love points" for Congress and the Cabinet?

Oh absolutely. I plan to completely change the adversarial natural of party politics. Every morning before meetings begin, all Congressmen will have to join hands and sing "The Barney Song." There will be "hug breaks" every two hours. Anyone who won’t agree to love their fellow decision makers unconditionally will be forced to work 12-hour days at minimum wage like every other American.

Newshounds: assholes, wretched assholes, or the most wretched assholes of all time?

Of course they’re assholes; if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be Newshounds. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being an asshole. Some of my best friends are assholes. Some people have even told me I’m one myself.

They’re not the most wretched of all time though. There are at least two people in the world who are more wretched. I won’t say their names but one begins with "R" and the other begins with "K". But I love them anyway. I love the world!

VOTE FOR ME!!!!

Derision 2008 - The Troll Party Town Hall Debate

Welcome! The floor opens for your questions in approximately ten minutes.

REMINDER: TROLL PARTY TOWN HALL TOMORROW, APRIL 1!!

If you have not yet done so, there is still time to submit questions for RALPH, Konservo and California Blat to answer during what may be the Troll Party's only Town Hall Debate of the campaign season! Even now, feverish preparations are afoot at the Fux News temporary auditorium in Yantis, Texas, where all three candidates will take the stage on Tuesday. Watch this blog for transcripts, podcasts and video of the landmark event and, of course, feel free to submit your questions below.

Inside California Blat: The Manic Mage of the Mojave

California Blat is a hero of the road.
He’s totally out of his tree.
He rides the desert in his pickup truck
And he’s a Presidential wannabee (poor boy),
A crazy Presidential wannabee.

As the Troll Party Candidates’ Debate draws near, we bring you a profile of the most enigmatic character in the race - the legendary Hippie Outlaw Magic-Man of the Desert, California Blat.

Those who knew him, back when he was just plain Blat, would never have believed he’d turn out the way he did. Blat often made wild claims about his parentage: for example, that he'd been found in the hold of a trading ship just arrived in New York Harbor from Samarkand (easily disproved since Samarkand is about 1,000 miles from the nearest ocean); or that he’d been born on a 12-foot sailboat in a storm off Cape Horn; or that a European noblewoman had left him on a convent doorstep with a note saying "Be kind to my precious child and see that he never grows up to be a vitamin salesman."

In reality, he was born into a family of accounting clerks and copy-paper salesmen in Hammond, Indiana. In his teens he spent most of his spare time reading books like Think and Grow Rich but there’s no record of his ever actually having done either. He did become a vitamin salesman in spite of his mother's plea. But he was not a very successful one; he was always complaining about "the rat race" and bragging how he could do better if only this horrible screwed-up society would let him. According to one of his customers, Kestrel Fire-Spirit who manages Fire-Spirit’s Holistic Emporium, "I could sense his bitter, negative aura a mile away. It always made me want to curl up into a ball and lick my toes like a kitten."

It was while on his sales rounds that he met RALPH, who was just putting a copy of The Morning After on his windshield. Their first conversation started rather inauspiciously, with Blat shouting, "Get the fuck away from my car!" But it ended at the nearest bar, and a few days later, it resulted in Blat joining RALPH’s campaign as his hand-picked Vice-Presidential appointee.

It didn’t take long for Blat to become disillusioned again. When RALPH went on a speaking tour, the VP-designate took off on his own and hit the road, being was arrested for wandering through restricted parts of the White House and thrown out of a nightclub in Nashville on the way. Brought to heel at last, he appeared doomed to a life driving RALPH’s campaign van and picking up his dry cleaning.

But early last August, while RALPH was speaking at a campaign stop at an industrial facility in Smallville, Kansas, an explosion splattered the air with color and, in Blat’s own words, " in the confusion I could for a moment have sworn that I saw a carbon copy of myself, fleeing the scene in horror and looking, if I may say so, downright liberal!"

The rest, as they say, is history. California Blat surfaced in LA very soon after, preaching love for all the world, and quickly became a hero in the deserts of the Southwest for rescuing strangers in distress. Alarmed at his defection, RALPH sent the Moment-Men to nail him, but they wound up becoming his devoted disciples.

California Blat’s advantages are obvious. He has a magic baseball cap that dispenses $$$, which could probably save the economy single-handed. He has been seen to teach Rottweilers to line-dance, turn himself into a vulture, and stand in a hail of machine-gun fire without getting a scratch. If he has nothing to say, he can take out his National guitar and sing.

Beyond that, though, we don’t know what his position is on key issues. When a reporter asked him about his policies recently, he merely took out his guitar and sang (to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel"):

I haven’t got positions
Don’t care for all that stuff.
I only know I love the world
And that should be enough,
Cause I’m a mighty hero,
(A mighty hero)
And RALPH is just a zero,
Yes he is.

Maybe the upcoming debate would be a good opportunity to find out what (or if) he really thinks.