RALPH Takes to America's Roadways!

Candidate RALPH is wasting no time launching his 2012 effort. Inspired in part by Sarah Palin's bus tour, which has already taken her from the Rolling Thunder motorcycle event to airport-ready chain pizza with "The Donald" in Times Square, RALPH is taking to the road in a style more uniquely his own.

The 2008 campaign van having been scrapped following a series of mishaps - the final, most fatal one involving a cotton candy machine, a backhoe and three goats of questionable provenance - the Sonnys held a meat draw to raise funds for a new campaign vehicle. $700 and 15 pounds of ground chuck later, the campaign's prayers were answered in the form of a vintage Airstream trailer which could be hitched to the Sonnys' pickup to ensure that the candidate could travel in air-conditioned comfort.

RALPH's first demand was that the side of the trailer be painted trompe l'oeil style (although of course he didn't use that phrase, but said, in so many words, THAT CRAZY SPELLING FRENCH STUFF THAT MAKES THINGS LOOK LIKE OTHER THINGS, BUT I WON'T SAY THAT BECAUSE I'M ALL ABOUT THE FRENCH-HATE, IRISH-HATE, GUINNESS-HATE, BERETS-HATE, EUROPE-HATE...) with the image of a fierce attack dog, to demonstrate to supporters on the campaign trail just how serious a defense policy he has in mind for the USA. Readers of this blog will remember the border wall with Dobermans, moat and alligators.

The results were less than satisfying, but all that the campaign can afford until the donation machine churns up into high gear.

Additional decor requested by RALPH included the pasta and white goods prominently depicted on the sides of the trailer, as well as the American flag which will stream out after the trailer en route. Unfortunately, the massive size that RALPH requested proved incompatible with the requirement to keep the flag from touching the ground....so, at the end of the day, the campaign had to settle for a small desk flag and a bicycle bell.

On the interior, the RALPH trailer is also sumptuously appointed, including genuine Naugahyde upholstery in the dining and lounging area. Repurposed carpeting was acquired at bargain rates from a Howard Johnson's renovation in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. And a splendid folding metal chair was retrieved from a dumpster and spray-painted red, white and blue to facilitate seating for RALPH's no doubt numerous autograph sessions.

Whichever BLAT eventually joins the campaign will be sleeping on an air mattress in the Sonnys' pickup's bed.

And what route, you ask, will this epic vehicle be taking?

Read future posts and discover, Grasshopper. RALPH can be cagier even than Sarah Palin. And certainly yet more unpredictable.

Opposition Group Vows "Ralph will Never See the White House"

The Rapturous Troll Brigade may be rejoicing about RALPH’s presidential campaign, but not everyone is so happy. A new political organization called "RALPH’s Unstoppable Irish Nemesis" (RUIN) issued the following statement today:

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RUIN wants to warn America about the latest nutcase to enter the race for the job of Most Powerful Man in the Country. Speaking from his usual seat at the Harp and Hiccup Irish pub in Queens, New York, RUIN’s president described RALPH as a loser who, in the unlikely event that he’s ever elected, will run anyone of Irish descent out of the USA.

"This RALPH fellow makes Sarah Palin look like an intellect," said RUIN’s President, Seamus O’Carolan (Yogi) McWriggles. "I don’t know how he got such a bee in his bonnet about the Irish - maybe it’s some kind of Freudian thing - but he rags on and on about it and no one else gives a shite."

For example, McWriggles noted, RALPH has just called on Britain to depose Queen Elizabeth for her state visit to Ireland, replacing her with her grandson, "The New King Billy" and thus bringing about a new Glorious Revolution. "If he’s President, he’ll spend more time in trying to overthrow another country’s government than in governing his own. I ask you, is that what an American President does? Oops, Bush did that, didn’t he? Never mind."

McWriggles also promised that RUIN would dog RALPH’s footsteps throughout the campaign. "We’ve got our rowdy student hecklers ready for every rally. The Guinness Cream Pie Throwing brigade is busy in their kitchens as we speak. We’ve got musicians who are prepared to sing Enya songs and play Chieftains music outside his window every night. I guarantee, he’ll never get closer to the White House than Council Bluffs, Iowa. Here, have another Bailey's, on me. Erin go bragh!"

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The RALPH/BLAT campaign has yet to issue a response.

RALPH/BLAT Return for 2012!!!!!

It has finally come to this, dear friends. Trump has bailed. Daniels is no longer in it to win it. Huckabee has jumped the riverboat. We have remaining the failure-prone field of Cain, Pawlenty, and perhaps Santorum..the latter of whose canine Google issues doom him from the outset.

Oh, and Gingrich, already tripping over his own feet.

The less said about Sarah Palin’s bus tour, the better, at this point. Perhaps she and Ralph will find true love and she’ll be our next gun-totin’, moose-obliteratin’ First Lady.

But, there is no viable alternative, our faithful brethren. No possible course other than this.

We must revive the campaign to bring our One True Saviour to the pinnacle of government, aided and abetted by his able and worthy comrades.

The RAPTURE RALPH FOR PRESIDENT campaign must rise again!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Sales of the RALPH/BLAT commemorative coin set having been sparse at best, our first effort must be to fill the campaign coffers apace. Toward that end, Konservo, coming off a very successful turn as a Munchkin in the ongoing Broadway run of Wicked, has contributed a nest egg from which he will match every donation to the JIHAD-LOVING Newshounds site between now and the end of June 2011…assuming nobody gets unexpectedly Raptured during that time. But dear Konservo’s funds will not go to that effort, my friends. Oh, no, indeed. Every penny of his treasure hoard will fund the resurgence of our Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – our long-lost but never-forgotten RALPH and BLAT.

And what of these paragons, during the interval since their last sighting?

RALPH has spent much of his time closeted with Harold Egbert Camping (yes, it’s really his middle name...which explains so much, in a way) in the otherwise godless enclave of California’s Bay Area, poring over Scripture and bashing madly at their outdated paper-tape calculators, seeking the precise mathematical formula to forecast the Rapture correctly for the masses…well, and occasionally going in for a professional de-lousing. (And don’t let RALPH’s disclaimers of non-involvement sway you, either: there are too many sightings of deliveries to the Family Radio offices of Peet’s Coffee laced with ten sugars and garlic to be explained by anything other than the presence of RALPH and the Sonnys.) True, he has stepped aside occasionally to rail against his Irish nemeses…but that was only when Camping was having a nap, so that’s OK. And, besides, they now have until October, if you hadn’t heard. So don’t cancel plans for that Labor Day fundraising BBQ.

As for BLAT, there is the usual confusion between Campaign Blat and California Blat to be reckoned with. Reports have come in that Campaign Blat has been spotted in various Wisconsin venues, using his Google Street View van to track the movements of opponents of Governor Scott Walker, whilst still occasionally lapsing into show tunes under his breath. California Blat, meanwhile, has been reportedly attending events sponsored by the Malibu Film Society and hanging ten at the beach. We feel sure, however, that one or perhaps both of them will materialize once the campaign catches fire anew. Neither of them could ever resist the spotlight.

Konservo? Well, if anything, he’s been the most in evidence of them all, and intelligence suggests that he is in discussions with TLC to develop a new reality show called Konservo’s Fabulous Friends, in which he cultivates a dozen different individuals not unlike himself, tragically eliminating one each week following such challenges as drag-queen dressing, the toilet-brush tango, and crafting the ultimate canape/cocktail combo, until he finds his soulmate. Despite this intelligence, however, we are confident that he will be able to juggle this endeavor with the demands of the campaign trail.

Are you WITH us, friends? Let’s give the White House the leader it deserves. RALPH and BLAT resurgent – Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – on the trail officially for 2012!

LAST CHANCE! Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign Offers Commemorative Coin Set - Proceeds to Benefit 2012 Initiatives!

In the words of a libtarded, jihad-loving hippie band, it has been "a long and winding road" that has brought the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign to its reluctant conclusion. We recognize with regret and the occasional maddened howl at the moon that not only have John McCain and our American Sweetheart, Sarah Palin, gone down to defeat, but they have done so at the hands of a regime that is determined to undo so much of the good work that has already been done by AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-GEORGE-W-BUSH and also to forestall the many further reforms and positive changes that would have been undertaken by a successful Troll Party Administration.

But all is not lost, our faithful followers! For even in this darkest hour, for only three easy installments of $24.95 plus shipping and handling, you can become a proud owner of the Limited Edition Ralph/Blat 2008 Commemorative Coin Set!

This uncirculated, illegal-tender collection of five authentic fake coins illustrates and enshrines for all time the many high points of the historic (some would even say, PRE-historic) Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign.

The centerpiece of this distinctive collection is the Ralph Doubloon. Our Candidate's visage sends an unmistakable message of Hope and Change, while the obverse (not shown) features the headquarters of the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign at the Bide-A-Wee trailer park.

Running Mate Blat is featured on the 50-cent piece, limned in glorious full color. The obverse shows the campaign van which took the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign's message far and wide throughout this great land.

Of course, no commemorative coin set would be complete without the inclusion of Konservo, Candidate Ralph's frequent confidante and a central figure throughout the campaign. Konservo poses on the 25-cent coin with his trademark toilet brush and his distinctive hairdo and beard; on the obverse is an image of the iconic Lookout Bar & Grill in Ottawa, the scene of so many of Konservo's artistic musical triumphs.

But that's not all!! In addition to these three legendary figures, you'll receive an additional two commemorative doubloons lauding this landmark campaign. The "Morning After" doubloon features the book cover from Ralph's own defining fact-based novel, hailed by critics and detractors alike as "the nuttiest thing we've ever seen in print." On the obverse, you will find a Lincoln Bedroom scene deemed unsuitable for online promotion. Complementing it is the "Moment-Men" doubloon, showcasing the people's heroes who stepped up to the plate for the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign. All your favorites are here: Hiram T. Peashucker, Cletus S. Knothole, and so many more. Relive your favorite highway blockade moments with this historic coin, which displays on the obverse the guitar-playing image of California Blat, the mysterious doppelganger who either ultimately salvaged or threw the campaign, depending on whose analysis you subscribe to.

Remember, this is a limited and numbered edition of five commemorative coins, available only in three easy installments of $24.95 plus shipping and handling. Don't miss your opportunity to own a piece of wingnut history!

Best of all, after processing and production costs are covered, the balance of your purchase price will go to finance the anticipated Ralph/Blat 2012 candidacy! With the grueling experience of campaign 2008 under their belts, our candidates are more than ready to take to the 2012 field with determination, inflamed rhetoric, bumping doughnuts and much, much more. This is your chance to both support the future and mark the past.

Operators are waiting for your call at 1-800-GO-RALPH, or order online through our really, really super-secure online ordering system at www.ralphiestheone.info.china.pl/scam.

Act now to avoid disappointment: this limited edition commemorative coin set is sure to sell out quickly!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

The Ministry Continues: or, Artichokes in the Khyber Pass

This is further to the report of my partner RalphyFan on the efforts to retire RALPH’s 2008 campaign debt, while maintaining and building upon his current Ministry. In addition to his ongoing Windshield activities, and the sale of Ralphie Action Figures, it appears that the once (and possibly future?) candidate is offering his dramatizations of The Morning After to network television.

The indefatigable Campaign Bloggers have managed to retrieve the following proposed script from a wastebasket at the Disney Channel headquarters. Perhaps, however, another network has accepted it and will run it in the new year:

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Scene: a cave somewhere in the Tribal Areas of Pakistan. Furnished with a table and some rickety chairs, a worn carpet and a state-of-the-art computer with Web cam. OSAMA BIN LADEN is seated in one of the chairs, nervously braiding and unbraiding his beard, while one of his lieutenants (let’s call him AKBAR) paces the floor restlessly. Sound of a cold wind blowing.
BIN LADEN: Oh I hate being stuck up here in winter! I wish spring would come so we could swoop down upon the lowlands like an eagle upon its prey!
AKBAR: Spring will come eventually, inshallah. At least it has always come before this.
(More sounds of wind.)
BIN LADEN: It is so lonely up here. No one ever comes to visit me. I sit by myself, alone with my thoughts, day after day after bitter day. Do you know what I’d like, most in all the world, Akbar?
AKBAR: Universal jihad, and an Islamic state throughout the world?
BIN LADEN: That too. But right now, what I’d really like is a pizza. I have not tasted pizza since I was a university student in Jiddah. Is it a sign of my old age, that I should crave a decadent Western dish?
Honking of horns.
VOICE OF PIAPS (outside): Did somebody mention pizza?
BIN LADEN (rises, his face lighting up): Is that who I think it is?
PIAPS: It is indeed! (She enters, carrying two large flat cardboard boxes, followed by a figure in a black burqa.) And I have brought not one pizza but two! This is a Classic Combo, but with all-beef pepperoni. And this one is a gourmet variety: goat cheese, artichokes and ground chicken.
BIN LADEN (deeply moved): You brought these all the way up here for me?
PIAPS: A little token of my continued regard, Sam. I’m on my first official visit to the Middle East but Taryn and I (the burqa bows deeply) managed to evade our escort so that I could visit you. I came to let you know that even though I am now Secretary of State, I never forget who my real friends are - or (chuckles evilly) what my real purpose is.
BIN LADEN: I am delighted that you have not forgotten your real purpose. In your new position you must be more circumspect than ever - but of course you know that. It is just as well that no one in America knows your real purpose.
PIAPS: Actually, there is one person in America who knows. In fact, he’s written a very perceptive little masterwork on the subject, and posts it on a blog in installments.
BIN LADEN: The dog! The pig! The vile piece of sewer slime! Give me his name and I will have him boiled in oil!
PIAPS: No need for that. No one in America believes him. They all think he’s a nutcase. We can deal with him at our leisure. Now I must go; but remember, I am still your friend under the surface.
BIN LADEN: I am deeply grateful - for the pizza and particularly for your reassurance.

(Scene change: a Jeep parked outside a cave in the mountains, ringed around by Afghan guards with machine guns. PIAPS and TARYN emerge from the cave mouth and get into the car.)
TARYN: Whew! Now at last I can get out of this damn burqa! (She tears it off and throws it under her feet, revealing that she is clad in Speedo briefs and Doc Martens, and nothing else except tattoos. The driver looks back at her, hastily averts his eyes and swerves the vehicle swiftly before it can plummet over the edge of a cliff.)
PIAPS: Now, it’s on to Israel to meet with Tzipi Livni. Mmm, she looks like really hot stuff. Book me some time at the Ein Gedi Spa for her and me, there’s a dear. Make sure to schedule a nice leisurely therapeutic bath in Dead Sea mud. No, don’t look so miserable, dear. You’re quite welcome to join us. The more the merrier! Ah, the whole world is mine! I love this job already! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

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We will let you know if any channel picks this up. In the meantime, help our candidate this Christmas, and order Ralphie Action Figures for your family, friends, co-workers, local radio talk show staff... for everyone!

Own a Piece of RALPH History!

With the heated Troll Party recount in American Samoa at last drawing to a close - and showing a decided preference for "A Small Ball of String" over the Ralph/Blat 2008 ticket - the campaign has finally conceded defeat in its Presidential hopes this election cycle. As the candidates console themselves with a massive binge on doughnuts and Mountain Dew, however, dedicated staffers are doing their best to retire the massive campaign debt amassed for cheap automobile rentals, emergency-overall-mending, hired security to protect the candidates from enraged liberal mobs armed with marshmallow popguns, and of course Konservo's expansive wardrobe (which, unlike Sarah Palin, he has indicated he has no intention whatsoever of giving back).

A key element in the strategy to reduce the Ralph/Blat 2008 debt is the campaign's push to make their exclusive Ralphie Action Figure the wingnut child's toy of choice this holiday season. The campaign released these key selling points to industry distributors as part of their pitch:

The RALPHIE Action Figure is sure to top every boy's and girl's Santa list this year. An authentic likeness of the notorious Presidential candidate and Americaphile Minister, RALPHIE is a dream come true for your little future College Republican! Check out these exciting features:

* He talks! RALPHIE delivers a selection from his ten favorite catchphrases with every pull of the string. His repertoire includes:

"BWAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"IMPLEMENT THE BEAUTIFUL COULTER PLAN FOR MIDDLE EAST STABILITY!!!!"

"SET THE CAPTIVES FREEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"THE CULTURE WAR IS SO FUCKING ON!!!!"

"PLEASE CALL THE AMERICAPHILE MINISTRIES COUNSELING LINE FOR PRAYER AND WISE COUNSEL!!!!!"

"KEEP AMERICA AND ULSTÈR FREE FROM FENIANISM, DESPOTISM, FIANNA FAIL, ALCOHOLISM, SUPERSTITION, THE AOH, BIGOTRY, IDOLATRY, THE WOLFE TONES, IGNORANCE, GURU MAGGOTS, PATTERNS, GLUE-SNIFFING, ENYA (NEW AGE), INCEST, THE INQUISTION, BUCKFAST, JESUITS, DOMESTIC ABUSE, TERRORISM AND THE MASS!!!!!"

"THEY CAN'T EVEN THINK!!!!"

* The RALPHIE Action Figure comes with our exclusive Ralphie-Sprinkle'otron Action for authentic doughnut-bumping. Add some Play-Doh from your existing Fuzzy Pumper playset for even more exciting bumping action - just wind him up and watch him go!

* Keep the RALPHIE fun going with accessories like the Tinfoil Hat action set and, for the ultimate in RALPHIE playtime, the exciting "The Morning After" White House. At one moment it's the staid, formal Lincoln Bedroom, then click! - it's ready for all the fun RALPHIE hijinks you love. Add on Taryn's Womyn's Sweatlodge for even more exciting playtime options! (Your sister's Barbies will never be the same again!)

* For a limited time only, past donors to the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign can have their RALPHIE Action Figure signed by the candidate himself, for only an additional $89.95, plus the cost of the Action Figure ($29.95), plus shipping and handling ($12.95), plus liability insurance ($124.95) to hold the campaign and the RALPHIE Action Figure manufacturer harmless from all damages, including emotional distress on the part of the recipient of this unique, collectible toy.

* Order now! You won't want to miss your opportunity to own an exciting piece of history like this one!

Campaign staffers declined to offer any data on RALPHIE Action Figure sales to date, but they did say that business from Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia had been particularly brisk, and they hinted that a limited edition pair of Konservo/Sarah Palin dolls might be produced in future, designed for a shared designer wardrobe.

The RALPHIE Action Figure can be ordered direct at 1-800-BUMP-NUT.

A Campaign Game-Changer?

Enthusiasm has been lacking in the Troll Party ranks ever since the tepid public response to the “Derision 2008” Town Hall session earlier this year. RALPH’s predictions regarding an imminent RAPTURE have thus far failed to materialize; California Blat’s musical populist whereabouts remain a mystery; Campaign Blat’s stolen van has disappeared again after one brief sighting “down by the river”; and Lephari, that mythic wanderer, continues to ricochet from NYPD precinct to precinct in search of a willing ear to receive his prophetic warnings of subway terror and chaos.

But in these days of “lipstick on a pig” and foreign policy by proximity, one erstwhile Troll Party candidate has seized the moment - and at least a fraction of the national imagination - by calling for a radical shake-up in the ticket of one major party.

Konservo, once among the front-runners to share the Troll Party ticket with RALPH, last night held a hasty press conference at the Polo Club in Hartford, Connecticut’s South End, where he is establishing a rapid response center in anticipation of the forthcoming Newshounds Off-Topic Convention later this month. The candidate – stunning in a lime-green halter-top gown with matching shawl, his latest wig styled in a fetching schoolmarm up-do punctuated with a large rhinestone flag pin – opened with the following prepared remarks:

(accepting a jello shot from popular Club entertainer “Marita Bonita”)

Good evening, my dear friends! It’s simply marvelous to see such an excited turnout here tonight! I’m sure it’s all because of me and not the two-for-one appetizers or the Midori martinis. ANYWAY, just in a moment of seriousness, I’ve called you all here tonight because I sincerely believe that we, U.S. Americans, such as, must seize this critical moment in our history to make a choice that will forever alter the face of this nation and the level of respect and dignity in which we are held around the globe.

Now, we’ve all seen how shamefully the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, has been treated by the corporate media. The disrespect of expecting someone in that position to understand the Bush Doctrine, the unmitigated gall of asking what qualifications living in a state near Russia confer on one’s foreign policy chops, and above all the absolute snub of Charlie Gibson's failure to open the nominee’s first one-on-one interview with the traditional exclamation “Darling, what are you wearing? – you look simply divine!”

Well, I say it’s time to put a stop to this rank brutality. No moose-hunter should have to endure such relentless grilling by the wolfpack media – not even from a low-flying plane.

I would like to offer the Republican ticket a graceful way out of this dilemma.

Senator McCain….pick me! Ooh, please, pretty pretty please, pick ME!!

A pit bull with lipstick? Honey, that’s a look I invented. Global expertise? Can anyone forget my heroic efforts to rescue RALPH from the Royal Ottawa Hospital in godless, socialistic Canada earlier in this campaign? Talking about energy? Well, anyone who has seen my cabaret act knows that I put out enough juice to singlehandedly power any small rural town on the tundra you care to name. And forget about earmarks – any ticket involving Konservo will be heavy on the earrings.

You want reform? Well, just imagine the kind of change I could bring to the GOP ticket. A little fashion reform, for a start! Did you see what Cindy was wearing on the first non-night of the convention in dear old Minneapolis/St. Paul, home of my favorite airport restroom? Hel-LO, Rhinestone Cowgirl, if you’re going to shell out that much on a dress then for heaven’s sake go for a look that doesn’t scream Flash Gordon Bimbo! No, a Konservo-influenced administration will bring in some fresh talent, Project Runway-style, to garb the Cabinet. I’m thinking Christian Siriano for domestic policy, and for foreign policy something more restrained and structured, maybe a little Rami Kashou. With a few special outfits from that crazy woman who spit-marks her patterns, just to keep things interesting, for the U.N. Ambassador…who will after all have to stand up to Paris couture and international scrutiny. You can't go up against Chanel unprepared and unvetted.

It solves so many problems, Senator McCain. Your trophy veep from Alaska won’t have to continue to undergo the third degree from the Fourth Estate. You’ll still have someone absolutely gorgeous to ogle on the campaign trail (nudge-nudge, wink-wink). I’m supremely confident I can deliver the Log Cabin Republican vote for you, even if I have to persuade them voter by voter (nudge-nudge, wink-wink, again). And after what I’ve already been through in this campaign, I’m absolutely fearless – no media pundit, no opposition candidate, no Sausage-Haus proprietor is too daunting for me to take on!

So, I implore you, Senator. Consider my proposal. And let’s really make history…together.

And now, my friends, before I take some questions from these very uncomfortable-looking reporters, I would like to conclude my remarks with a little song! Maestro?

With this, Konservo grabbed a proffered microphone from Club entertainer “Ms. Phil” and regaled the audience with his own version of “I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General”:

I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President
Embody all that’s evil, yet I cover it with sentiment.
I know the world’s heads of state from Gordon Brown to Medvedev
With many a histor’cal nod to Stalin, Blair and Gorbachev.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with taxes and th’ economy;
The first, I never pay them, and the second doesn’t bother me.
These people losing jobs and homes, I just tune out their hollers…
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!

(at this point the Polo Club chorus stepped in)
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollarlollars!

I'm very good at marking ears and lining lobbyists’ pockets,
And stonewalling subpoenas that would put my staff in dockets.
In short, when it involves a Unitary Executive precedent,
I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President!

Konservo then seated himself on the Polo Club’s massive bar, showing a tempting quantity of leg as “Marita” poured him a generous margarita, and settled in to take reporters’ questions. A detailed transcript of the explosive Q&A will follow this breaking news report in due course.