Campaign 08: the Rhetoric Begins

With 2008 almost under way, and only four days to go before the Iowa caucuses, Troll Party candidates RALPH and Konservo are scarfing up the last of their plum pudding and hitting the election trail. And as the temperature drops, the rhetoric has risen.

Konservo, who claims to have spent Christmas in Jay Peak sharing a turkey with a “simply divine” accident-liability lawyer (he won’t divulge the name but says “I’m sure you’ve seen his ad on TV, and believe me, he’s much nicer looking in person”) has returned to New Hampshire where he’s concentrating his efforts.

He’s now daring RALPH to hold a public debate with him. “Ralphikins has not had any competition until now. So let's see how he performs when he and I are at the podium together. I hope he’s not a little fraidy cat. What’s there to be scared of? He won’t see any pantsuits on me - my divine Andre would rather sleep on a bed of cow-muck than design a pantsuit for anyone. You should see the glorious purple velvet gown he’s making me for the debates! RALPH won’t come be able to come near it. He’ll be Nixon to my Kennedy; Shrek to my Princess!”

To which RALPH replied, from his trailer outside Council Bluffs, Iowa: “WHAT IS KONSERVO’S PLATFORM?! HE DOESN’T HAVE A STAND ON ANYTHING EXCEPT HIS SIX-INCH HEELS!! HE HAS BEEN EXPOSED AS LUKEWARM!! LUKEWARM!! LUKEWARM!!!! NOW, EVERYONE KNOWS WHERE I STAND!! I AM THE RAPTURE MAN! RAPTURE MAN!! RAPTURE RAPTURE RAPTURE MAN!!!”

RALPH did not say what he’d been doing over the holidays, but he denied rumors that he had been turned into a gold statuette. “THAT’S A LIE SPREAD BY SOME LIBTARD LOVER OF SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING PIAPS, ON THE JIHADIST NEWSHOUND FORUM!! I AM ALIVE AND WELL AND THERE’S NOTHING GOLD ABOUT ME!!”

Will the rhetoric result in an actual debate? Stay tuned.

Holiday Greetings from the Troll Party

The campaign staff of Ralph/Blat 2008 is pleased to offer you the greetings of the season with this holiday treat! (Our thanks to staffer UKLD for the widget.)

Konservo Throws his Hat into the Ring!!

RALPH watch out! You have a rival in the race for the Troll Party nomination! Someone who once worshipped the ground you walked on is even now slipping a knife between your shoulder blades.

Last night as patrons at Michael Timothy’s Urban Bistro in Nashua, New Hampshire, were finishing their dinners and sipping their Grand Marniers, a diner in a red silk sheath dress trimmed with white fur, who had hitherto sat quietly in a corner with a nondescript companion, demolishing a Mu Shu Duck Pizza, suddenly rose, leaped onto the table, and hitched his skirt above his knees.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" he cooed. "Thank you for being here, rather than down at Hollis Pharmacy shaking hands with John McCain. For your reward, I have come to deliver a political message you will never forget. I am Konservo the Great, and I am officially announcing my intention to challenge RALPH for the Troll Party nomination. "

Expressions of astonishment (or something) from the patrons.

"Who is RALPH, you may ask?" Konservo continued. "And well may you ask! RALPH, hitherto the sole candidate for the Troll Party, has decided to shirk his responsibilities. He has gone into hiding in the foothills of Montana. He’s been there so long everyone has forgotten who he is. And why? Because he’s afraid of Hillary Clinton!" His nondescript companion lifted his head from the pizza and gave a derisive hoot. "Oh, thanks for reminding me. This is running mate, Campaign Blat. And I share his sentiments. RALPH is a chicken-heart. RALPH is a fraidy little boy! I, on the other hand, am afraid of nobody. I will never hide behind barbed wire or guard dogs, not from Senator Clinton or anyone else. I have taken the motto of your fair state for my inspiration, as I shall illustrate. Mr. Vice-President: Strangers in the Night. Hit it." And while Campaign Blat accompanied him at the piano, Konservo began to croon:

I'll live free or die,

Here in New Hampshire

I'll live free or die!

You know you can't fear

That I'll let you down -

I love you heart and soul.

I'm the one to choose

In January;

Don't you go for Ralph -

He's really scary.

Vote for me instead

'Cause I'm the perfect troll.

I'll live free or die!

Give me your confidence and I'll live free or die!

But if you should decide that

You won't vote for me,

I promise solemnly,

I will climb the Great Stone Face

And hurl myself out into space...

So

Kiss old Ralph goodbye -

He's such a wiener.

You know I'm your guy,

A real keener.

Raise my banner high,

And we'll live free or die!

Dooby dooby doo
Doo doo-doo dee-dah
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo..

That’s what you’re full of!" shouted a diner, throwing a piece of bruschetta at Konservo. Before long the air was thick with biscotti, garlic bread and pepperoni, while the New Candidate danced in the aisles chanting, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" An alarmed waiter called the police; but by the time they got to the restaurant the mood had changed; Konservo was sashaying between the tables, leading the customers in a chorus of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," and everyone was enjoying themselves thoroughly.

"He’s cool," said diner Melanie Waite as she emerged from the restaurant. "I don’t care which party he represents, he’s got my vote." Other diners interviewed by this reporter echoed her sentiments.

RALPH’s reaction can only be guessed at.