With 2008 almost under way, and only four days to go before the Iowa caucuses, Troll Party candidates RALPH and Konservo are scarfing up the last of their plum pudding and hitting the election trail. And as the temperature drops, the rhetoric has risen.
Konservo, who claims to have spent Christmas in Jay Peak sharing a turkey with a “simply divine” accident-liability lawyer (he won’t divulge the name but says “I’m sure you’ve seen his ad on TV, and believe me, he’s much nicer looking in person”) has returned to New Hampshire where he’s concentrating his efforts.
He’s now daring RALPH to hold a public debate with him. “Ralphikins has not had any competition until now. So let's see how he performs when he and I are at the podium together. I hope he’s not a little fraidy cat. What’s there to be scared of? He won’t see any pantsuits on me - my divine Andre would rather sleep on a bed of cow-muck than design a pantsuit for anyone. You should see the glorious purple velvet gown he’s making me for the debates! RALPH won’t come be able to come near it. He’ll be Nixon to my Kennedy; Shrek to my Princess!”
To which RALPH replied, from his trailer outside Council Bluffs, Iowa: “WHAT IS KONSERVO’S PLATFORM?! HE DOESN’T HAVE A STAND ON ANYTHING EXCEPT HIS SIX-INCH HEELS!! HE HAS BEEN EXPOSED AS LUKEWARM!! LUKEWARM!! LUKEWARM!!!! NOW, EVERYONE KNOWS WHERE I STAND!! I AM THE RAPTURE MAN! RAPTURE MAN!! RAPTURE RAPTURE RAPTURE MAN!!!”
RALPH did not say what he’d been doing over the holidays, but he denied rumors that he had been turned into a gold statuette. “THAT’S A LIE SPREAD BY SOME LIBTARD LOVER OF SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING PIAPS, ON THE JIHADIST NEWSHOUND FORUM!! I AM ALIVE AND WELL AND THERE’S NOTHING GOLD ABOUT ME!!”
Will the rhetoric result in an actual debate? Stay tuned.