Saturday, January 5, 2008

Press Office Announcement: RALPH Offers 2008 Predictions



Trailer, en route to New Hampshire…5 January 2008...1:15AM PST

Not to be outdone by Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson, whose annual revelations from his traditional New Year’s chit-chat with the Supreme Being were announced earlier this week, Presidential Candidate RALPH of the troubled Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign recently spent an hour in the men’s room of the Plaid Pantry attached to the nearest Shell station, and emerged with a set of astonishing predictions for the year ahead. His formal announcement was released at the Super 8 Motel on Interstate 80 in Mishawaka, Indiana, where the candidate’s Winnebago made a brief stop en route to further campaign events in New Hampshire prior to this coming Tuesday’s primary.

Perhaps inspired by the surroundings of his impromptu retreat, RALPH stated that it had been revealed to him that numerous political figures and celebrities besides Idaho Senator Larry Craig would come forward as having “a wide stance” in 2008. Among the names mentioned by the candidate were Michael Jackson, Donald Trump, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Madonna, and Sanjaya Malakar of American Idol fame. He went on to suggest that these luminaries would give up their careers – such as they presently are – to form a percussion band based on synchronized toe-tapping.

RALPH also had harsh and cautionary words for the nation’s doting pet owners, urging all American families to protect their domestic animals by keeping them in windowless rooms reinforced with plastic tarps and duct tape. “PIAPS AND HER FREAKING DOUGHNUT-BUMPING HORDES CAN STRIKE AT ANY TIME,” he stated for the record, “AND IT WON’T MATTER TO HER WHETHER IT’S A PARAKEET, A POMERANIAN OR A PORPOISE – SHE’LL STOP AT NOTHING!!” He added that our precious pets should also have access to “Life Alert” buttons, “OnStar” GPS assistance, the remarkable stick-on “Handy Switch” and be able to use “The Clapper” to turn lights off and on in their sealed bunkers. (One reporter, speaking out of order, asked how creatures without opposable thumbs or basic English language skills would be able to take advantage of these devices; RALPH immediately dispatched newly-hired campaign consultant Billy Mays to take the presumptious journalist down under a barrage of OxiClean and KABOOM!)

The price of oil was another concern addressed by RALPH. “THE LORD HAS TOLD ME THAT WE MUST ALL SWITCH TO OLIVE OIL TO POWER OUR VEHICLES!” he insisted, going on to show an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” commercial on his cell phone and extolling the virtues of all things Mediterranean. On a related subject, he stated that God wants all new SUVs to be capable of transforming themselves into hovercraft, submarines and helicopters, “EVERYONE KNOWS JESUS WANTS TO TRANSFORM US, SO THAT MEANS WE HAVE TO DRIVE TRANSFORMERS!!!” Naturally, he advocated a substantial tax credit for new buyers of such multi-purpose vehicles.

On the subject of terrorism, RALPH’s predictions were less definitive. “WE CANNOT AFFORD TO BE LUKEWARM! LUKEWARM!! LUKEWARM!!! ABOUT TERRORISM. JIHAD-SITES AND DEMLIB BLOGS CONTINUE TO INCITE RALPH-HATE, RAPTURE-HATE, THE-MORNING-AFTER-HATE AND INSIGHTFUL-MINISTRY-AND-REPORTING-HATE ON A GLOBAL SCALE!!!! ALL POSTS THAT DO NOT APPEAR COMPLETELY IN CAPS ARE SUSPECT!!!! NOT TO MENTION EXPOSED!!!!!!!!” He did suggest that a blogger failing to pay at a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru sometime during 2008 was a strong possibility, as was that the sun would continue to rise in the East at earlier and earlier times during the months to come…until the latter part of June, when the trend would alarmingly reverse itself. He cited Revelations and Daniel as the source for this amazing discovery.

Were any particular cities or regions under an unusually grave terror threat? After noting the usual suspects such as San Francisco, the Pacific Northwest, New England, and in general all other worldwide locations not considered U.S. territories, RALPH then stunned the press corps by specifically calling out Pretty Prairie, Kansas (pop. 615) as a “HIGH-PROFILE TARGET,” urging the diversion not just of several military units to the town’s protection, but also the marshalling of numerous Polly Pocket playsets from Mattel, apparently in the hope that the alliterative similarity would confuse any terrorist organization, thus containing the damage to a massive meltdown of orange and purple plastics.

RALPH refused to elaborate on any of these prophecies or to answer any questions regarding the burgeoning challenge by his estranged adherent Konservo for the Troll Party nomination. He paused only long enough to unveil a banner reading “AMERICAPHILE!!!!! R O T F L M A O!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!” on an I-80 freeway overpass before continuing his journey.

Reporters seeking Konservo out for direct comment on RALPH’s press conference were unable to converse in person, as Konservo had wrangled a lift to New Hampshire aboard Fred Thompson’s private jet, promising Thompson’s glamorous trophy wife Jeri the manicure of a lifetime and lots of dishy in-flight gossip. However, they did reach him briefly via cell phone just upon arrival in Concord, New Hampshire. Konservo offered his own predictions for 2008, including that rich plum would be the “new black” for the autumn campaign season, that Les Mis would finally close on Broadway early in the New Year, and that not only would Britney Spears regain custody of her children by Spring, but that they would all shave their heads as a family and join the Hare Krishnas, inspiring a new saffron yellow trend for summer. He added that RALPH’s proposed economic stimulus package was “hogwash” and that his own proposed plan to index all worldwide currencies to diamond jewelry was “simply the ONLY way to go, dah-ling.”

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