Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Michigan Election Return Surprise for Konservo

Excitement had been running high at Konservo’s Escanaba, Michigan campaign headquarters, the Sand Bar, where the faithful gathered in their designer pumps and fetching frocks to await results from the state primary on Tuesday.

As servers passed trays of miniature quiche and prosciutto-and-crab puffs to the excited throng, Konservo was nonchalant and relaxed, seemingly oblivious to the large-screen displays showing minute-by-minute election returns as he leant seductively on the grand piano and crooned (to the strains of “As Long As He Needs Me” from Oliver!):

You always do the things you should,
You take care of me, oh, so good:
And that is why I rate
As your candidate!

As long as you need me,
I’ll be what I must be,
Just send me to DC –
For that’s where you need me.

Long as my term goes on,
I’ll bring the Right, not wrong,
Together we’ll be strong,
Because you SO need me…

If you are right-wing,
Then it’s SO TRUE
You know KONSERVO
Knows what to dooooo…..

But, as the accompanist provided a sweeping crescendo and Konservo prepared to modulate upwards to the Big Finale, the unexpected arrived.

Security at the entrance scrambled but failed to halt the appearance on the scene of a newcomer without credentials, who squealed “Take your filthy Islamofascist mitts OFF me, you vulgar man! Don’t you recognize me? I’m RODAN, Konservo’s Number One FAN!”

Indeed, as he shook off the security guards, Rodan certainly appeared dressed to venerate Konservo as his own personal American Idol. He was wearing a substandard knockoff of one of Konservo’s striptease outfits from one of his legendary acts at the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa, complete with an wig and headpiece which did little to detract from his own neglected shag cut, wisping out at the edges. Efforts to replicate Konservo’s distinctive face makeup did little but impart a clownish aspect to his features. He even teetered a little on his T.J. Maxx pumps as he tried to pull himself up to full dignity and rush his hero, brandishing as he did a congratulatory bouquet.

Konservo quickly beckoned to him the members of the band engaged for the evening’s later planned revelry (“Reverend Raven and The Chain Smokin’ Altar Boys,” reportedly a local favorite), and they formed a perimeter between the prospective candidate and his devotee.

“But, Konservo, WHY?” wailed Rodan, grasping ineffectually toward his role model. “You know I’ve always been there for you…” Oddly, the spotlight suddenly began to track Rodan’s tearful declamation as he moved across the scuffed dance floor in the body language of a lover scorned. “Who followed you to Think Progress and championed you? Who assailed Huffington Post and DailyKos? Who spawned a horde of sockpuppets on News Hounds? WHO?!” The last exclamation came out in a piercing, desperate wail that made the band’s microphones screech with feedback.

Rodan wiped away a melodramatic tear. “It was ME, Konservo. Your truest friend – nay, perhaps your only real friend – and now you spurn and reject me, on the very eve of the glory we’ve worked so hard for you to attain. OH, I can bear it no longer!!”

The crowd moved in to restrain Rodan as he groped to snatch up a serrated steak knife, perhaps intent on ending it all right then and there. But he collapsed into a moaning shell of himself, shoulders heaving, as a security guard gently took the knife away and compassionate voices assured the hapless Rodan that it was all right, everything was OK and he was still…

EXCUSE me!?” snapped Konservo.

The rest of the room froze.

“WHO exactly is the CANDIDATE here? Hmm?” Konservo’s pique was obvious, and he threw his boa contemptuously over one shoulder and stalked toward the exit, shoulders held in a furious stance.

“But…er…the returns, Konservo…?” said one hapless campaign aide toward his retreating, offended back.

At the backstage door, Konservo slowly turned to face the crowd, the tiniest of tears extending the makeup around his left eye into a poignant streak of black down one cheek. “I don’t even care any more,” he said, with a catch in his quiet voice, before heading into the backstage area. The group heard one THUD of a slammed exterior door, and then the roar of a snowmobile, before the room faded again into silence.

Rodan sobbed openly. “I only wanted to congratulate him!” he groaned. “To celebrate this special moment…with someone special! Why?! Oh, Diebold in Heaven, WHY?!?!”

As security made to track Konservo’s trail, the rest of the campaign staff reasoned there was no point in wasting perfectly good canapes and an open, prepaid bar, and settled in for the evening’s returns. By the midnight report that Konservo had bested not only his Troll Party rival RALPH, but also Republican hopefuls Ron Paul and Fred Thompson, in the final projections, it was Rodan who was belting out “Happy Days Are Here Again!” at the piano…the remaining unresolved issue being, could Konservo be persuaded to return to the campaign trail after being upstaged by a fan, and did this episode boost or further damage the candidacy of former Troll Party frontrunner RALPH?

Citizen-journalist Kate Stone and noted blogger Zen Caviar are among those expected to weigh in on this potentially explosive development in an already-heated campaign.

2 comments:

Yakki.Psd said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

God that picture cracks me up.

IRave4Ralph said...

Hey, Konservo's wowing them everywhere! He's a winner!