RALPH the Comeback Kid is continuing to increase his lead over Konservo in the primaries. Our favorite cabaret queen did well in places like Palm Beach, but RALPH took the rest of the state handily.
Much of the credit, of course, has to go to his partnership with Bedlam Tom and the Screaming Glory Players, whose dramatizations of The Morning After continue to pack in audiences. Here is a transcript of one that took place Sunday evening in a church basement somewhere along the St. Johns River:
Scene: the Womyn’s Sweat Lodge. TARYN and JANET RENO are cuddling under a blanket. Their shoulders are bare, so presumably the rest of them is too.
TARYN: Janet, that was wonderful!
RENO (coyly): So - am I better than the President?
TARYN: well - ah - ahem! You each have your own unique - ahem!
RENO: Don’t worry about offending us. Jealousy is an outdated construct in this post-Apocalyptic world, just like God, family and property. Everything is shared now, including love.
PIAPS enters, without knocking, in leather Speedo, sleeveless leather vest, black fishnet thigh-highs and six-inch black heels. She is holding a double leash in one hand and carrying a whip in the other. TARYN and RENO sit abruptly upright, letting the blanket fall. Cheers and hoots from the congregation.
PIAPS (in high spirits) Oh, there you are! I thought I’d find you here. Well, my dears, it was a challenge, but I did it! And I’m so proud! I just have to show you. (Cracks whip in the air and tugs leash). All right, boys - come in. Now!
Enter SEAN HANNITY AND BILL O’REILLY, wearing studded dog-collars, one on each leash. They stumble as if sleepwalking, and their eyes are vacant.
PIAPS: Now, boys. I want you to tell my senior advisors exactly what you learned under my tutelage.
Brief silence. They fidget and stare at the floor.
PIAPS: NOW!!! (cracks whip harder.)
HANNITY (mechanically): Praise to PIA- (crack of the whip) I mean President Clinton.
O’REILLY (mechanically): She has saved the world.
HANNITY(ditto) : May she live forever!
O’REILLY (ditto): We love the ground she walks on!
RENO: My God, Hill, you’re amazing! I didn’t think you could do it!
TARYN: What will happen to them now?
PIAPS: That’s the brilliant part of my plan. I’m going to send them back to Fox News, to their old jobs. They’ll host their shows every night, same as before; but now they’ll tell their viewers what I want them to hear.
HANNITY: Let all America bow low before her!
O’REILLY: Blessed be Allah for sending her to us!
TARYN: But - Ms. President - that’s not what people are used to hearing them say. Won’t they suspect anything?
RENO (laughing): Taryn, sweetie, you are so naive. You’re assuming that right-wingers have brains.
PIAPS: When in fact nothing could be further from the truth. The right will believe anything these men say, without questioning it. So if they tell America I should be worshipped - millions of viewers will believe it automatically. I’ll have brought my enemies under my control, with a minimum of effort.
TARYN: That is brilliant, Ms. President!
PIAPS (modestly): I’m glad you agree. Now, boys, turn around and go outside. I’m going to stay here for a while. But behave yourselves. I’ve hired the Newshounds of the Caribbean to keep a watch on you, and if you aren’t good little boys - well, Captain Elijah Ballkicker has lots of rope. Do you understand me?
O’REILLY (shuddering): We will never disobey your wishes, O Glorious One. (They stumble out.)
PIAPS: Oooh. Now I’m really in the mood. (Kicks off her shoes, and begins to strip off her stockings.)
TARYN: You can’t stay here too long, Ms. President. You have the post-peace-treaty dinner party with Osama Bin Laden tonight.
PIAPS: Oh, Sammy can wait. But I can’t. (As she begins to remove her vest, the curtain falls. Thunderous applause. Cries of “Rapture! RAPTURE!”)
How can Konservo ever compete with that?