The Comeback Kid!

After two months of inactivity, RALPH is back on the campaign trail with a vengeance! He took South Carolina away from Konservo by a wide margin, and despite some aggressive nightclub-stumping by his rival, RALPH looks set to take Florida as well.

A lot of the credit goes to Rev. Thomas P. Zacharias and his family. Their dramatizations of The Morning After which are packing in audiences. Here's a sample of what people saw in South Carolina this week:

TARYN, clad only in Speedo and Doc Martens, is standing alone on stage with a tense look on her face. Enter JANET RENO (played by Rev. Tom’s sister, Rebekah McNish).

RENO: Is the interrogation still going on?
TARYN: Yes. It’s been ages, too. My God, how can they hold out so long?
RENO: They're tough; but the President is tougher.
PIAPS (offstage): All right, you snivelling wingnuts, I am going to give you one more chance. For the last time: Where is the printout of Americaphile?
HANNITY (offstage) Do your worst, Clintoon; we’ll never tell you a thing.
O’REILLY (offstage) There are at least two people in this room who love America, you secular progressive, you!*
TARYN: I never expected them to be that strong.
RENO: Well, we knew they would be difficult to break.
PIAPS (offstage): Very well. I didn’t want to do this, but since you’re so obstinate I have no other choice. Igor... bring out the Box.

(Dead silence. TARYN and RENO both gasp in horror.)

IGOR (offstage): No, Ms. President.. Not ... the Box!
PIAPS (offstage): you heard what I said, Igor. Bring out the Box. All right. Where shall I begin? (Sound of rattling and rummaging). Oh, I think I’ll start with this one here. Igor, put this in the VCR. All right, Foxy boys - you asked for it.

(Whirring noises; then the voice of Rosie O’Donnell fills the air. Horrible screams off stage.)

O’REILLY: Cut her mike! CUT HER MIKE!!!!
HANNITY: You ruthless, heartless bitch! Is there no limit to your cruelty?
PIAPS: I told you I’d stop at nothing to learn the truth.
(More screams)
TARYN: Oh, my God, I can’t stand it!
RENO: They won’t last long now. Soon it will be over and Americaphile will be no more - and then will be helpless against us (chuckles). Why don’t you go to the sweat lodge and relax? Come to think of it, why don’t we both go to the sweat lodge and relax? (They exit with their arms around each other.)

The audience left the rally bubbling with enthusiasm.This blogger overheard repeated comments like, "I wonder if Sean and Bill will break," and "You don't see anything like that at Romney's rallies," and "I wouldn't mind an hour in a sweat lodge with that Speedo gal."

"Great to see him getting back on his game," said commentator VermontDave. "Though I'm a California Blat man myself."

Stay tuned for Florida and Super Duper Tuesday!

*Hannity is played by Micah Zacharias; O'Reilly by Rebekah's husband Elihu McNish.