Sunday, January 13, 2008


Yesterday pictures were circulated among the journalistic community that has scandalized the candidacy of RALPH for President™.

The photographs while grainy and somewhat out of focus seem to show America’s Greatest President in Waiting caught in flagrante delicto with a defensless animal! The pictures were taken at the bestowing of the Ohio Mason’s society.

I asked Tom Bedlow what he made of the situation:

Mr. Bedlow, can you tell me what happened?

“Well, we decided after following Ralph’s campaign bid, that we would offer him an honorary membership in the Order of Masons. We contacted him and he seemed really excited about it. We were too, as you well know that there are many former Presidents who were honorable Masonic brothers.”

Yes. And what happened at the inauguration?

“I can’t tell you everything, you realize, as our ceremonies are quite secret. However, you do know that one inducted must ride a goat. That’s a part of the ceremony see. It’s a long standing practice, and quite harmless fun!”

Yes sir, I understand. And when coming to this part of the ceremony, what happened?

“We told RALPH that he would ride the goat to be a member. He looked at us strangely at first, and then he smiled real funny like."

Then what happened?

“Well, Billy-boy’s handler (Billy-Boy is the pet goat’s name) is Tommy Larson. Anyways Tommy brought Billy-Boy out for the ride. Ralph got this queer look in his eyes and I kind of got scared for a minute. Then he takes off running at Billy-Boy!”

He did? What happened next?

“Well….*sniff*…this is tough. He grabbed Billy by the neck and spun him around. Then he dropped his buh-buh-britches…..OH GOD IT’S HORRIBLE!”

It’s alright sir. Take your time.

“Naw, it’s ok. Need to talk about it, you know? Well he grabbed Billy and dropped his pants. Then he started screaming something about Pips? Paps?...”


“Yeah, that’s it. He said something like, ’You’re mine PIAPS!’. I was scared out of my wits. Billy was straining to get away and everything and we were all shocked, like paralyzed. Finally Tommy got his wits about him and pulled Ralph off.”

What next?

“Nothing. When Ralph got jerked loose from Billy, he grabbed his pants and ran like the dickens. Tommy chased him, but it was no use. That Ralph is fast I tell you!”

The pictures in question were printed yesterday in the Ohio Coon-skinner Times. I tried to get a comment from Ralph today, but all he would say on the matter was:


This reporter did speak to the veterinarian in charge of Billy-Boy’s case. Other than a ruptured rectum and some psychological problems, Billy should be back out head-butting visitors to the lodge in a few weeks.

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