When his campaign trailer reached Cleveland, sometime on Friday, the Candidate began finding a number of pretexts to stop. "He stopped for coffee three times in an hour; the next hour he stopped to go to the washroom seven times," said a campaign insider who wouldn’t give his name. "Now his detractors might accuse him of getting cold feet, but think about it. Coffee - washrooms. Eh?"
Campaign Blat, accompanying Konservo on the piano at a stump speech in Plymouth, New Hampshire, wasn’t so charitable. "He’s scared to set foot in New York or New England. You know - PIAPS country. Hotbeds of liberalism. Everyone out to get him, even more than usual."
By Saturday evening RALPH’s had reached western Pennsylvania, where they stopped at the Elephant and Castle in Grove City for dinner. Perhaps it was anxiety, fuelled by a few pints of draft, that caused him to suddenly climb atop the bar and rant:
"PIAPS IS COMING!!! PIAPS IS COMING!!! I AM RISKING MY LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS TO WARN AMERICA!! PROTECT YOUR COMMUNITY, YOUR FAMILIES AND YOUR PETS!! HER AGENTS ARE EVERYWHERE!! THE KING OF NORWAY IS HER AGENT!! THE POPE IS HER AGENT!! MIKE HUCKABEE IS HER AGENT!! EVEN SANTA CLAUS IS HER AGENT!! THERE IS NO SAFETY ANYWHERE FOR THOSE WHO LOVE AMERICA!!!"
"I ENTREAT YOU ALL TO TAKE ACTION!! HANG SIGNS ON HIGHWAY OVERPASSES, ROOF TOP AND PIAPS-RALLY LOCATIONS: "9/11 WAS A PIAPS JOB", OSAMA LOVES PIAPS" ET CETERA. TAKE THE COPY OF THE MORNING AFTER WHICH IS EVEN NOW BEING HANDED OUT BY MEMBERS OF MY CAMPAIGN TEAM, AND TAKE IT TO YOUR PASTORS. URGE THEM TO ORGANIZE STUDIES OF DANIEL AND REVELATIONS, USING THE MORNING AFTER AS A STUDY GUIDE!!!!! FORWARD IT TO YOUR LOST FRIENDS!!!! I CANNOT OVERESTIMATE THE DANGER TO AMERICA!! TAKE ACTION NOW AND..." but the remainder of his speech was lost in a chorus of gasps and guffaws as the other patrons began reading the sheafs of paper that had just been put into their hands.
After dinner RALPH left town, which was just as well; because complaints were coming in from furious shoppers at Prime Outlets, who had returned to their cars to find "The Morning After" on the windshields. "My ten-year-old daughter took a look at it before I could stop her," wailed one woman. "Now she can’t stop talking about that horrible strap-on - thing! She’ll be scarred for life! I’m going to have to put her on Risperdal. Whoever did this is a menace! He should be locked away for life!"
He appears to be headed eastward on I-76, into the Appalachians.
"He doesn't want to face me," was Konservo's opinion. "He knows that I’ll knock him dead in my purple velvet gown, and he can't even find a comb, let alone a good make-up artist. Come ON, sweetie - I dare you! Come to New Hampshire and look me in the eye!"
California Blat was unavailable for comment, having left Palm Springs early this morning, headed in the general direction of Bakersfield. Hiram T. Peashucker, speaking on his behalf, said: "I done give up tryin to understand Ralphy. Don’t care about him no more anyway. We been havin' us the time of our lives here in Palm Springs. My hotel room is bigger’n my whole cabin back in Copperhead Gulch. I brung my wife out here and she’s been havin’ a great time too, now she’s stopped lookin’ for the outhouse. We’re gonna bide here a little longer - RALPH kin do what he wants."