Monday, January 21, 2008

In like a lion,out comes a lamb......

Recent reports of a goat-fucking incident have thundered through the Ralph/Blat campaign(TM) Headquarters. A follow up report is as follows:

Ohio general veterinary clinic has had a controversial patient staying with them. "Billy-boy",the Masonic lodge goat has been under observation for some days,as a result of the horrid(alleged) sexual molestation he received during a honorary bestowal of the order for the troll party candidate Ralph. The veterinarians examined said goat,and although the animal has passed with a seemingly clean bill of health,there's a problem.....

Billy-boy is pregnant.

This astounding revelation was discovered by Dr. Walter P. Blastocyst or the Sainted Virgin Animal Hospital at the corner of 4th and Bush streets. Dr. Blastocyst told this reporter:

"It's the strangest case I've ever been on in all my years. Frankly I feel it's a sign from GAWD. This is a child of some special purpose."

Others in the Hospital are not so generous. Nurse Peony Smellerot had this to say:


People in the community are shaken by this strange occurence. Manly are speaking of switching their votes over to troll party candidate Konservo. The sentiments expressed, "At least we know that thar Konservo feller is one of them gaybirds! This goat thing,this kid could be the start of the triberlayshun!"

We once again tried to speak reasonably with Ralph the Prophet over these allegations of a connection to ultimate evil and his seed. The response was as androgynous as usual:


A released,pre-prepared statement was read in the evening. Transcript as follows:

"The campaign for Ralph, America's greatest President in waiting, would like to lay these false allegations of goat-fucking and other criminal and immoral acts to rest.The candidate was not at the Masonic lodge downtown on the evening in question,regardless of what may be believed from those doctored photographs. We would like to assure our faithful followers, that a man such as Ralph would not lower himself to sex up a ruminant,nor would he raise said ruminant to sex it up. Ralph apologises for not being here,as he's having some slight medical difficulty himself,but would like us,his voice to leave our congregation with the following words on his behalf. In his words, "Sometime after the secret snatching away of my SAINTLY VISAGE,knowing I AM READY FOR THE RAPTURE [TUESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2009!!!!!!!], MY IMAGE WAS IMPOSED WITH AN ANIMAL OF LOW QUALITY!!!! The dreaded battle variously known as World War III, Armageddon, brought about the DEVIL-BORN Apocalypse, or the Battle of Gog and Magog will MAKE YOU ALL SUFFER FOR YOUR DISBELIEF!! This is when the VIRGIN will take on its dual role as a symbol for evil, AND THE VAGINA, and will represent the Harlot called the GOAT!!!!!"

As ambiguous as always,the candidate and his team are keeping the story close to their vests. Or at least in a pocket,notably located in the groin area.

Updates as they become available.

No comments: