While Ralph Hides Away, Will his Foes Win the Day?

The standoff in Big Sky Country has ended, and California Blat appears to have had the edge.

After several days of uneventful stalemate, the BlatMan simply shrugged and called out, "I'm hittin' the road. It's getting too dull up here. But I think you’d better show your face, Ralphy, because we have no idea what’s going on while you're in hiding. Campaign Blat has flown the coop, and we don’t know where he is. Kate Stone sent him a ticket to Minneapolis, but he never got off the plane. And we don’t know where Konservo is either. Maybe those two are in the same place. What would that do to your campaign? Think about it." Then he took out his guitar and sang to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel":

Go and get ‘em, Ralphy.
Hang in strong and tough.
Go out and show America
You’re made of hardy stuff.

Go out and be a hero,
(A mighty hero)
And not a big fat zero,
Ralphy boy.

And he climbed into his truck. To RALPH’s utter fury and terror, all seven Rottweilers leaped in with him, and as he drove away they could be heard yelping happily.

So that’s where it stands right now. RALPH is cringing behind what’s left of his security perimeter, resisting the efforts of Über Troll and the Sonny Brothers to cheer him up or coax him out. Will he come out again by Christmas? And what, if anything, will Campaign Blat and Konservo get up to?

This just in: Cletus S. Knothole, speaking on behalf of the Moment-Men ("‘cause Hiram’s too drunk") made the following remarkable statement: "You know, if we had our way, it’d be Californy Blat runnin’ for President ‘stead of that RALPH character. Kin RALPH dodge bullets? Or turn hisself into a vulture? Or make money come out of a baseball cap? Think about it - with that baseball cap, Californy Blat could make the damn trillion-dollar defissit just (snaps fingers) vanish, iffen he was President."

A bit of idle speculation, or a genuine pointy knife sticking out of RALPH’s back? We shall see.

Showdown in Big Sky Country: The Tempter at the Gate

We've just had an update on the confrontation in Montana, between RALPH and California Blat.

In their attempt to waste California Blat, the Candidate and his followers used up all the ammunition in their Montana compound, including the "Terminator" reloads, mini-smart bombs, super-duper grenades and even the Windex refill and the can of Raid. But when it was all over, the intruder simply shook the dust out of his hair and said, "Well, if you’re not going to invite me to dinner, I guess I’ll crash in the back of my truck."

Ah-hah, said RALPH, I’ll nail him when he’s asleep. But to his chagrin the seven Rottweilers all bounded after California Blat, climbed with him into the truck and curled themselves around him like a living blanket, licking his ears and growling menacingly whenever anyone else came near.

The next morning California Blat emerged with a few stale crumbs of bread in the palm of one hand; with his snap of his fingers he turned them into a plate loaded with bacon, hash browns and scrambled eggs, and a huge mug filled with coffee. "Hey, Ralph!" he called, "Smells good, doesn't it? I can make you some too if you’d like, because I love you. I love the world!"

It was Sonny White who replied: "We have our own! Now get lost, Huggy Bear!"

"Not yet," replied the unwanted guest. "Not till I’ve told RALPH what I came to say."

When three hours had passed without the Candidate responding to the challenge, Blat gave in and called: "RALPH! What happened to your campaign? Where’s your duty to the American people? Don't you want to save them from You Know Who? You’ve been invited to participate in all the candidates’ debates, Republican and Democratic. That’s right - both national committees agreed to it, after the Newshounds of the Caribbean dropped all their other demands. They were so sick of Bill O’Reilly they said they’d pay a bargain price just to get rid of him. Isn’t that wonderful? You saved Bill O’Reilly! Now follow it up by saving America!"

No reply, though one could hear, from inside the house, screams of "RAPTURE!!" and "PULVERIZE THE DEFEATOCRATS!" punctuated by excerpts from the "Ride of the Valkyries" and "Smoke on the Water", and by other noises that might have been a pressure cooker exploding and a La-Z-Boy being thrown against the wall.

"The New Hampshire primary is only six weeks away, Ralphy!" his tormentor continued. "Why don’t you put aside your fears and put together a policy platform and show them you're not afraid of PIAPS or anyone else?"

He went on in the same vein without result until evening, when he retired with the Rottweilers to the back of the truck again. Soon afterward those in the house could smell pizza baking in a wood oven, and hear California Blat singing plaintively as he plucked on his guitar:

There’s a RALPHY who’s sure
That he’s bound for Rapture,
And he’s buying a stairway to heaven.

But while he hides away
All his foes win the day,
And he’ll see Campaign Blat in the White House.

Oooooooooooh, (chorus of baying Rottweilers)
And it makes me wonder...

The standoff continues.

Ralph: Defending our pets from PIPAS

FOX News' 'esteemed journalist' and 'Great American' Sean Hannity blows the whistle on Slick Willies shocking and disturbing ritual of animal abuse in his days as Commander-in-Chief!

I want to go back to this. On the eve of your testimony in the Paula Jones case, there was — you lost your cat. And there was somebody came up to you, a stranger, and mentioned...

WILLEY: He had run away, or he had — just turned up missing.

HANNITY: Your cat did. But you ran into a stranger who mentioned the loss of your cat, and your cat's name, and your children by name.

WILLEY: I didn't run into him. He approached me one morning. He alluded to the fact. He alluded to my cat by name in the past tense. He said, "How is that — how is — he was a nice cat." He said, "That Bullseye was a nice cat."

Of course, since we all know that America's Newsroom is being silenced by the liberal press and Media Matters, Ralph showed the courage and the patriotism of a leader by posting the truth on his blog that is read by many across the U.S. & Canada (and when we mean, read by many across the U.S. and Canada, we mean the eight of us who have started this campaign blog, one hails from Canada). Ralph Gives his fellow Americans some tips on how to defend their pets.

• NEVER LEAVE YOUR PET OUTDOORS UNATTENDED!!!!

• BE PREPARED TO EXERCISE YOUR 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS!!!!

• EQUIP THE PARAMETERS OF YOUR HOME WITH SURVEILLANCE TECHNOLOGY!!!

• FIND THE DEFEATOCRAT CLUBHOUSE NEAREST YOU!!! CALL THEM AND PUT THEM ON NOTICE!!! LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU KNOW!!!! THEY ARE COWARDS AND WILL PROBABLY BACK OFF!!!!

• CALL YOUR LOCAL BOARD OF ELECTIONS!!! ACQUIRE THE LIST OF REGISTERED VOTERS FOR YOUR ELECTION DISTRICT!!!! BECOME AWARE OF THOSE WHO ARE DEMLIBS!!!! KEEP YOUR PETS AWAY FROM THESE ADDRESSES!!!! ALERT YOUR LOCAL POLICE, ASPCA, NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, FAMILY MEMBERS AND NEIGHBORS OF THE RISKS TO PETS IN YOUR AREAS!!!!

No word yet if Ralph plans on attacking Former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist for his conduct against the felines during medical school.

Showdown in Big Sky Country: or, You Can Run but You Can't Hide

By Kate Stone
From No Stone Unturned, Friday, November 16. Reprinted without permission.

It was only a few lines in the Great Falls (Montana) Tribune, but they drew my eye as if by second sight. It was an account of a brawl that began when a dusty stranger staggered into the bar of John Henry’s Restaurant in Choteau, gasped out a request for a double Jack Daniels, and added, "I’ve just seen my own face. Holy shit." When other patrons asked if he was nuts, he replied, "I’m a Vice Presidential candidate!" Things reportedly went downhill from there.

It didn’t take me long to figure out who the stranger was. Finding his cell number still programmed into my BlackBerry, I speed-dialled it without waiting to finish my decaf latte. Campaign Blat answered almost at once. He told me he was sitting in the Great Falls Library with his face buried in a magazine. He was terrified "they" would find him, and he begged me to loan him money so he could get away. I agreed to book him a plane ticket if he’d tell me what had happened, and this is his story:

He and RALPH and the rest of the campaign entourage had been hiding at a ranch in the foothills between Choteau and the Bob Marshall Wilderness Area (he refused to disclose the exact location, saying "You'd never get there alive.") The previous afternoon, as RALPH was checking the CCTV camera in the bathroom, a red, white and blue GMC Sierra roared straight across country and up to the ranch gates, its driver singing at the top of his voice, "You know that I was born a ramblin’ maaaaaan." Of course the truck activated the movement sensors around the compound, triggering the security device fondly known as "The Terminator’. But when the explosion and clouds of flame had subsided, the truck emerged, completely undamaged, gunned through the gate and came to a screeching stop in front of the ranch-house door.

"Then I stepped out," said Campaign Blat in awe. "At least that’s what I thought at first. This guy who looked exactly like me, except for the beard and bare feet, got out of the car and sang out, ‘Hello Ralpheee. You were looking for me?’ It took me a while to realize I was looking at the legendary California Blat."

RALPH turned the seven Rottweilers loose, but California Blat simply raised his hands and they stopped dead and slunk away with their tails between their legs. Then the seven militiamen RALPH had hired to guard the Rottweilers let loose a barrage of machine-gun fire. California Blat simply stood calmly with his hands in the air and, in Campaign Blat’s words, "the bullets went right through him and he didn’t even move. He just smiled and said, ‘you’ll have to do a little better than that.'"

Then, according to Campaign Blat, "all hell broke loose. The militiamen were blasting away with their Uzis and throwing hand grenades, while RALPH was inside bounding from window to window screaming, "BASTARD!!! RUN OUT ON ME AND STEAL MY MOMENT-MEN, WOULD YOU?!! AMERICA IS ON TO YOU, YOU TREE-HUGGING, BIN-LADEN-KISSING ASSWIPE!!!! YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE THIS PLACE ALIVE TO CARRY TALES TO YOUR SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING MASTER!!!" And more to that effect. Then he grabbed a semi-automatic and started exercising his Second Amendment rights without looking where he was shooting. Bullets were smashing into the windows and bouncing off the walls and I was afraid for my life. I got out of there so fast - with all the ruckus, no one even saw me leave. I ran all the way to Choteau. Can you please help me get out of here?"

I booked a plane ticket for him to Minneapolis. I want to get more out of him. Why is RALPH hiding in the wilderness instead of running his campaign? What does he think of the Konservo incident? And what is California Blat’s purpose in forcing a showdown with RALPH?

As soon as I find out answers, you’ll be the first to know, dear readers.

Konservo Charges Dismissed! Paulose Connection Rumored in Surprise Turnaround

Shocked followers of the Metropolitan Airports Commission v. “Konservo” case in Minnesota’s Fourth District Court learned today, through a statement jointly issued by defense attorney Kjell-Olaf Yakimoto and prosecuting attorney Thomas Anderson, that all charges have been dropped in the bizarre legal standoff centering around Konservo's alleged occupation and vandalism of a Minneapolis/St. Paul airport restroom in the wake of Larry Craig's wide-stanced indiscretions.

Anderson, representing the Metropolitan Airports Commission, was terse in his commentary, stating only that the MAC had agreed to drop all charges in return for a settlement "the terms of which are not intended for public disclosure."

Yakimoto was somewhat more expansive, declaring that the agreement was "a victory for freedom of expression" and a vindication of his client's "completely innocent and, indeed, patriotic" motives.

Kate Stone, citizen journalist and author of the popular No Stone Unturned column, asked of Yakimoto: "Will your client be making any statements directly to the public?"

Yakimoto was about to respond when, at the top of the courthouse stairs, Konservo appeared, still clutching his prize Swiffer™ despite the toilet brush - previously entered as evidence - having been returned to him. He was clad in a sultry magenta satin gown and posed elaborately for photographers and reporters as he descended the steps. Yakimoto was seen to shake his head in embarrassment and scuttle through the press crowd, muttering "No further questions, no further questions..." Anderson had already left the scene upon Konservo's arrival.

Stone positioned herself at the forefront of the gaggle as Konservo arrived. "Can you tell us anything about the terms of your release?" she pressed.

Konservo flirtatiously tossed his mop of coarse, gray hair back over one shoulder and purred, "Dah-ling, if I did that, I'd have to kill you, wouldn't I? The terms are so...so naughty!"

The presence of the press corps prevented him from performing a can-can on the steps, despite an abortive attempt. Damp weather also hampered Konservo's stilettos.

"Where will you be going next?" gushed a reporter from Capital Xtra, which has been following Konservo's meteoric rise since his groundbreaking appearance on the Ottawa club scene.

"Well, I'm trying to keep my options open," Konservo murmured, adjusting the reporter's tie with a gesture that prompted a spontaneous blush. "I may head westward. I understand that my dear friend and prospective President RALPH is having some issues with an old and beloved friend. Maybe I can mediate between them. You know - be the third party in the scenario, if you follow me?"

"And now," continued Konservo, gripping the Swiffer™ in lieu of a microphone and tossing the toilet brush theatrically to a CNN correspondent (who caught it with reluctance and gingerly set it down on the concrete), "Now, it's time for a song!":

The name on everybody's lips
Is gonna be Ser-vo!
The boy raking in the chips
Is gonna be Ser-vo!

I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means
Somebody everyone knows
They('re) gonna recognize my eyes
My brush my name my quirks my hose

From just some wingnut blogger guy
I'm gonna be Ser-vo!
Who says that stalking's not a thrill?

And who in case he doesn't hang
Can prove he started with a bang?
Ser-vo...the riiiight-wiiiing shill!

Konservo departed the scene via taxi, blowing kisses and waving.

Pressed for commentary by media later the same day, Judge Pamela G. Alexander, presiding over the unusual case, reluctantly confirmed rumors that the settlement included an agreement for Konservo to perform his drag act at the Metropolitan Airports Commission's annual holiday party; but she also - perhaps significantly - could not be persuaded to confirm the companion rumor that controversial U.S. Attorney appointee Rachel Paulose and Konservo had been an "item," early in the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign, or that intervention by then-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales specifically at Jeff Gannon's instigation had been a factor in Paulose's appointment.

Konservo was last sighted boarding a Greyhound bus heading west.

Neither the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign nor California Blat had provided on-the-record commentary at press time.

"If You Want Bill, Give us RALPH", Pirates Demand

We are trying to find out RALPH's reaction to being named in a ransom demand originating somewhere off the coast of Jamaica.

According to news reports, pirates ransacked the National Review cruise ship on Hallowe’en night and kidnapped its keynote speaker, talk-show host Bill O’Reilly. The ship itself docked in Kingston, Jamaica on Thursday morning, and the country’s newspapers are still plastered with photos of the well-fed and blue-rinsed passengers coming ashore clad only in their underwear. "How the Mighty have Fallen!" trumpeted the Jamaica Daily Star. (Michelle Malkin is fighting to suppress the photo of herself in a leopard-skin string bikini and six-inch heels. "They aren’t mine," she claims. "The pirates made me put them on.")

A group calling itself the Newshounds of the Caribbean has claimed responsibility. Yesterday the group released a grainy video of Mr. O’Reilly, bound and gagged and clad only in loofahs. Its spokesman, who went by the name of "IB Blackheart", has made the following demands in exchange for Mr. O’Reilly’s release:

• President Bush must wear Mickey Mouse ears during his next state appearance;
• Dick Cheney must appear on The View, and sing "Feelings" while hugging a Teddy Bear; and
• RALPH must be included in all Presidential debates, both Democrat and Republican.

We have not yet heard the Candidate’s reaction to being named in the pirates’ demands. He was last seen somewhere in western Kansas, presumably on his way to Arizona for a showdown with California Blat; however, he has not appeared in public since the California fires began. According to Campaign Blat he is hiding in a bunker in an undisclosed location, guarded by seven Rotweilers and twenty-four security cameras. "He knows what a target he is. Those of us who risk our lives on a daily basis doing this important and vital work must protect ourselves from PIAPS' agents."

We’ll let you know as soon as we learn more.