Thursday, November 29, 2007

While Ralph Hides Away, Will his Foes Win the Day?

The standoff in Big Sky Country has ended, and California Blat appears to have had the edge.

After several days of uneventful stalemate, the BlatMan simply shrugged and called out, "I'm hittin' the road. It's getting too dull up here. But I think you’d better show your face, Ralphy, because we have no idea what’s going on while you're in hiding. Campaign Blat has flown the coop, and we don’t know where he is. Kate Stone sent him a ticket to Minneapolis, but he never got off the plane. And we don’t know where Konservo is either. Maybe those two are in the same place. What would that do to your campaign? Think about it." Then he took out his guitar and sang to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel":

Go and get ‘em, Ralphy.
Hang in strong and tough.
Go out and show America
You’re made of hardy stuff.

Go out and be a hero,
(A mighty hero)
And not a big fat zero,
Ralphy boy.

And he climbed into his truck. To RALPH’s utter fury and terror, all seven Rottweilers leaped in with him, and as he drove away they could be heard yelping happily.

So that’s where it stands right now. RALPH is cringing behind what’s left of his security perimeter, resisting the efforts of Über Troll and the Sonny Brothers to cheer him up or coax him out. Will he come out again by Christmas? And what, if anything, will Campaign Blat and Konservo get up to?

This just in: Cletus S. Knothole, speaking on behalf of the Moment-Men ("‘cause Hiram’s too drunk") made the following remarkable statement: "You know, if we had our way, it’d be Californy Blat runnin’ for President ‘stead of that RALPH character. Kin RALPH dodge bullets? Or turn hisself into a vulture? Or make money come out of a baseball cap? Think about it - with that baseball cap, Californy Blat could make the damn trillion-dollar defissit just (snaps fingers) vanish, iffen he was President."

A bit of idle speculation, or a genuine pointy knife sticking out of RALPH’s back? We shall see.

4 comments:

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et said...

Is it really possible? Could California Blat co-opt a ticket so carefully - indeed, in its way, lovingly - crafted from bumping doughtnuts, Norway-phobia, and blissful, general ignorance?

What a shake-up that would bring to Iowa and New Hampshire!

Not to mention the question of whether or not the Newshounds of the Caribbean ever venture ashore upon the mainland. Who knows when they might hijack a paddlewheeler up the Mississippi and inject some tropical swashbuckling into the caucuses?

I love this campaign. Way more entertaining than the Republican candidates trying to outdo one another in scaring us.

M.R.F said...

Hmmmmmmm.

I predict Ron Paul will snub Kucinich and sign on to be California Blat's VP--then the R-EVOL-UTION.

Damn, its hard to do the Ron Paul revolution thingy--but on his followers' t-shirts and signs the "EVOL" in Revolution is backward, so it reads "LOVE". Perfect for the Love Party Candidate: Blat!

And, hell, the momentman and Ron's militia have SO MUCH in common. It really is a great fit.

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