Thursday, November 15, 2007

Konservo Charges Dismissed! Paulose Connection Rumored in Surprise Turnaround

Shocked followers of the Metropolitan Airports Commission v. “Konservo” case in Minnesota’s Fourth District Court learned today, through a statement jointly issued by defense attorney Kjell-Olaf Yakimoto and prosecuting attorney Thomas Anderson, that all charges have been dropped in the bizarre legal standoff centering around Konservo's alleged occupation and vandalism of a Minneapolis/St. Paul airport restroom in the wake of Larry Craig's wide-stanced indiscretions.

Anderson, representing the Metropolitan Airports Commission, was terse in his commentary, stating only that the MAC had agreed to drop all charges in return for a settlement "the terms of which are not intended for public disclosure."

Yakimoto was somewhat more expansive, declaring that the agreement was "a victory for freedom of expression" and a vindication of his client's "completely innocent and, indeed, patriotic" motives.

Kate Stone, citizen journalist and author of the popular No Stone Unturned column, asked of Yakimoto: "Will your client be making any statements directly to the public?"

Yakimoto was about to respond when, at the top of the courthouse stairs, Konservo appeared, still clutching his prize Swiffer™ despite the toilet brush - previously entered as evidence - having been returned to him. He was clad in a sultry magenta satin gown and posed elaborately for photographers and reporters as he descended the steps. Yakimoto was seen to shake his head in embarrassment and scuttle through the press crowd, muttering "No further questions, no further questions..." Anderson had already left the scene upon Konservo's arrival.

Stone positioned herself at the forefront of the gaggle as Konservo arrived. "Can you tell us anything about the terms of your release?" she pressed.

Konservo flirtatiously tossed his mop of coarse, gray hair back over one shoulder and purred, "Dah-ling, if I did that, I'd have to kill you, wouldn't I? The terms are naughty!"

The presence of the press corps prevented him from performing a can-can on the steps, despite an abortive attempt. Damp weather also hampered Konservo's stilettos.

"Where will you be going next?" gushed a reporter from Capital Xtra, which has been following Konservo's meteoric rise since his groundbreaking appearance on the Ottawa club scene.

"Well, I'm trying to keep my options open," Konservo murmured, adjusting the reporter's tie with a gesture that prompted a spontaneous blush. "I may head westward. I understand that my dear friend and prospective President RALPH is having some issues with an old and beloved friend. Maybe I can mediate between them. You know - be the third party in the scenario, if you follow me?"

"And now," continued Konservo, gripping the Swiffer™ in lieu of a microphone and tossing the toilet brush theatrically to a CNN correspondent (who caught it with reluctance and gingerly set it down on the concrete), "Now, it's time for a song!":

The name on everybody's lips
Is gonna be Ser-vo!
The boy raking in the chips
Is gonna be Ser-vo!

I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means
Somebody everyone knows
They('re) gonna recognize my eyes
My brush my name my quirks my hose

From just some wingnut blogger guy
I'm gonna be Ser-vo!
Who says that stalking's not a thrill?

And who in case he doesn't hang
Can prove he started with a bang?
Ser-vo...the riiiight-wiiiing shill!

Konservo departed the scene via taxi, blowing kisses and waving.

Pressed for commentary by media later the same day, Judge Pamela G. Alexander, presiding over the unusual case, reluctantly confirmed rumors that the settlement included an agreement for Konservo to perform his drag act at the Metropolitan Airports Commission's annual holiday party; but she also - perhaps significantly - could not be persuaded to confirm the companion rumor that controversial U.S. Attorney appointee Rachel Paulose and Konservo had been an "item," early in the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign, or that intervention by then-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales specifically at Jeff Gannon's instigation had been a factor in Paulose's appointment.

Konservo was last sighted boarding a Greyhound bus heading west.

Neither the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign nor California Blat had provided on-the-record commentary at press time.


Interested Bystander said...

There is absolutely no justice in Minneapolis, RF! I'm familiar with the MAC and I wouldn't put anything past them.

I am definitely happy that Konesampo, or what the hell ever he calls himself, is on a westbound bus, right now.

To be on the safe side, however, I think I'll try to avoid the Airport around the holidays...

hiram t. peashucker said...

That Konpervo really headin westward? If he comes our way we'll REALLY make him sing and dance.

As Ralphy useter say: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA