Monday, February 25, 2008

Yes, the RALPHTURE is still coming!!!

"If Senator Clinton does not win the Democratic Primary does that mean the Apocalypse will be called off or just delayed?" asked the Roachman the other day.

It’s a question that many RALPH watchers are starting to ask: what will happen to our candidate if the Obama juggernaut continues? RALPH bases his whole campaign on the assumption that Clinton will win handily, thus ushering in the End Times - which he himself will miss because he’ll have been Raptured by then. But if Obama wins the nomination, does that mean no End Times? No Rapture? RALPH is stuck on this earth for another who knows how long?

He hinted at the answer to that question earlier this month. The other day he and his Bedlam Buddies, in their latest installment of the dramatized Morning After (presented at the Holy Rapture Tabernacle in Southeast Wazoo Junction, Texas), hinted at it again.

Scene: a psychiatrist’s office. PIAPS is lying on the couch. DR. FERNSEHER, in a rumpled suit and a long beard, is sitting in a chair beside her, taking notes.

DOCTOR: But you have no reason to feel this way. You have everything you ever dreamed of. You are the President of the United States. You have unlimited power. You’ve won Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity to your side. You’re sending your enemies the Rapture Christians to re-education camps by the trainload. (Boos from the audience). And the Lincoln Bedroom is full of nubile young ladies ready to kick off their Speedos at the crook of your finger. Sweaty moaning ecstasies all night long! Bumping of doughnuts until there is nothing left of them but a few crumbs and some congealed Boston creme! Tattooed breasts heaving -
PIAPS: Yes, Doctor, I take your point. Please wipe the drool off your mouth. I know I have everything I ever wanted, but, as Shakespeare said, "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown."
DOCTOR: Is there anything particular that makes you uneasy?
PIAPS: There are no listening devices in the room?
DOCTOR: Oh no, Ms. President, nothing like that!
PIAPS: Don’t take notes on this. That’s an executive order.
DOCTOR: (rips his notes into little pieces and stuffs them in his mouth) Mmmf. Go ahhdd.
PIAPS: I can hardly bear to admit it, Doctor, but - I’m afraid of RALPH.

DOCTOR chokes, and spews pieces of paper all over the floor.

PIAPS: Yes, it sounds bizarre, I know. But remember last August, when we got that telegram from Barack Obama? The one where he said he’d rather be an Antarctic explorer than the President, and was gone to McMurdo Sound to seek the meaning of life?
DOCTOR: How can we ever forget that? It dismayed the whole nation.
PIAPS: That telegram has been haunting me ever since.
DOCTOR: How so it has been haunting you?
PIAPS (wringing her hands): Because - I - no, I can’t say it. But RALPH ... he’s the only one in America who might have guessed...
PIAPS (leaping to her feet): Oh no! It was you all the time! But you haven’t gotten anything out of me yet! And you never will! The Newshounds of the Caribbean are outside! They’ll feed you to the sharks!

Curtain falls as RALPH continues to laugh maniacally.

This scene got a tremendous reception in Southeast Wazoo Junction. However, down in the West Texas town of El Paso, people are flocking to California Blat rallies (they particularly love the seven Rottweilers, whom he’s trained to line-dance while he sings "Walk this Way"), and RALPH is barely a blip on the political horizon.

A new poll coming out shortly may help us gauge Americans’ reaction to RALPH’s message, in light of the changing political situation.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Super Duper RALPH!

Super Tuesday and the primaries that followed were indeed Super for RALPH. He took the majority of states. Only in Louisiana did Konservo post a victory. California and Arizona went solidly to California Blat, even though he’s still an undeclared candidate; as did Tennessee and Georgia, where the Moment-Men campaigned vigorously on his behalf. (New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts don't count as there are no trolls in those states.)

RALPH's main drawing card continues to be the Zacharias family's dramatization of his magnum opus, The Morning After. Here is a faithful transcript of a performance that took place somewhere in Oklahoma:

An upstairs sitting room in the White House. Late in the evening of the same day as the previous scenes. A small table, two easy-chairs and a big-screen TV (actually a large cardboard frame with a curtain drawn over it.) PIAPS and JANET RENO are sitting in the easy chairs with their feet up, sipping wine.

PIAPS: Boy, I’m glad that peace-treaty dinner’s over. Osama has to be the world’s biggest bore. Does he ever talk about anything but jihad? And I wish he’d shampoo that beard at least once in a year.
RENO: But at least you have put an end to war with him.
PIAPS: True. And signed a trade treaty too. Once I’ve legalized opium, we can flood the country with Afghanistan’s number one export product and keep Americans smiling and happy.
RENO: And best of all - you don’t have to spend all that money on the war effort.
PIAPS: You know what the worst part of the evening was? Missing the O’Reilly Factor. I was dying to see how well my experiment went. Pour me another glass; I’m going to watch the tape right now.

She picks up a remote control and flicks it. The curtain on the TV draws back, revealing BILL O’REILLY and ANN COULTER (played by Ezekiel Zacharias). COULTER is wearing a low-cut black dress with a large cross around her neck.

O’REILLY: Welcome to the Factor. I’d like to welcome Ann Coulter back to my show tonight. Ann, why are you wearing that godawful black dress?
COULTER: It should be obvious. I’m in mourning for the death of America, and all it stands for.
O’REILLY: Completely hypocritical - wearing a cross along with that tight little dress. But that’s typical for a floozy like you. I don’t know why I keep having you on my show. Go on, talk.
COULTER: Clinton’s victory is the triumph of everything you and I hate...
O’REILLY: Speak for yourself, lady. Clinton’s victory is the best thing that ever happened to America. Only idiots like you don’t realize that.
COULTER: WHAT!? What in God’s name have you been drinking?
O’REILLY: Look, President Clinton is the savior of this country. She’s already brought us peace by signing that treaty with Bin Laden; she’s outlawed all churches and thus saved America from sectarian violence; and she’s going to give global warming and gay rights and gun control the attention they deserve. I’m surprised at you, trashing her like that after swearing you’d vote for her.
COULTER: I never did! What’s come over you?
COULTER: Look here, you -
O’REILLY: Just shut up! I mean it, just SHUT UP! Cut her mike! CUT HER MIKE!!!

COULTER rises and lunges for O’REILLY’s throat; but two pirates elbow onto the screen and drag her away, screaming and kicking.

O’REILLY: Whew. Thanks, Newshounds of the Caribbean; the air smells a lot cleaner now. Stay tuned for my next guest - the Prime Minister of Canada, Mr. Rick Mercer, who is looking forward to exporting his country’s brand of health-care to the US.

The curtain is drawn over the TV. PIAPS and RENO high-five one another.

PIAPS: It’s wonderful! Better than I dreamed! Oh, Janet, I’ve never been so happy. I’ll take the peace dividend and spend it on re-programming! If I can do it to Bill O’Reilly I can do it to the whole world!

Curtain falls. RALPH comes out on stage and gives rant about how only he can save America from this scenario.

Rumor has it that RALPH will soon hold a press conference to discuss his platform, his amazing comeback, and the threat from California Blat. It’s rumored that he will be joined by young Zipporah Zacharias, who plays Clinton’s topless aide Taryn in the dramatizations. THAT ought to bring the reporters out!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Konservo Lagging in Polls as Super Tuesday Dawns

With the surprising success of Ralph's Screaming Glory Tour of The Morning After, as well as a groundswell of support for California Blat in the heartland states, Konservo - once the cross-dressing darling of the Troll Party, poised to wrest the nomination from Ralph's grasp - heads into Super Tuesday at a serious disadvantage. This blogger caught up with the candidate at a combination town hall and karaoke night in Galesburg, Illinois.

The crowd at Showgirls, perhaps dismayed that the usual "Monday Madness" pole dancing night had been interrupted for "polls" of another kind, showed little receptivity to Konservo's campaign platform despite his stunning red sequinned taffeta sheath dress and dramatic up-do. The audience was relatively placid through the candidate's opening rendition of "Born in a Trunk":

I was born in a trunk
At a Troll Campaign stop in Pocatello, Idaho;
It was during the stump speech on a Tuesday
And they swaddled me right up in that day’s Newsday.
When I first saw the light, it was red and angry
Coming from the temperamental crowd;
And when Reagan carried me out to say hello
They told me that I stopped the show.

So I grew up in a crazy world
Of smoky rooms and back-door rooms,
And rooms for snooping ’round behind the scenes.
And I can't forget the endless strings
Of Rovian plots and Yakki’s knots,
And nights without a condom in my jeans…

But it's all in the game and the way you play it
And you've got to play the game, you know,
When you're born in a trunk at a Troll Campaign stop
in Pocatello, Idaho.

Once Konservo began discussing his campaign platform, including such reasonable proposals as off-price designer outlets being within reasonable public transit distances for every American and the summary banning of overalls, the crowd became, as they say, restless. Boos and catcalls met his bold proposition that funding for faith-based initiatives instead be diverted to a new agency built around the principle of Fabulous-Based Funding, which would provide government grants to failed American Idol contestants who failed to advance despite broad popular backing from the viewers.

By the time Konservo got down to health care, foreign policy, infrastructure and government corruption, a faction of the audience was counter-chanting in support of Ralph, to the tune of "Waltzing Matilda":

Bump us some doughnuts, if you have the nuts,
But you've got no nuts, you sorry fair-eee,
So we'll sneer and we'll laugh
As our Ralphie wipes you off the map,
Then you'll be bumping your doughnuts for free!

Red-faced, Konservo stomped offstage at this taunt, in the process ignoring completely the one sober occupant of Showgirls, whose legitimate question regarding climate change went unheeded thanks to the swift, emotional exit.

On a nationwide scale, Konservo's position has fared little better. Campaign insiders say that Konservo had high hopes for an approval "bump" thanks to his recent appearance as a guest on Bravo's fourth season of Project Runway, where a competition late in the challenge was geared around designing him a truly devastating gown for the Troll Party Convention on April 1.

Sadly, the gambit backfired as even the talented remaining designers scrambled to outfit the candidate appropriately. "It's completely NOT what I do," observed Christian; while SweetP commented "If I don't really do menswear, it kind of goes without saying that I don't do womenswear for men! Geez!" The only designer who welcomed the challenge was Chris, who immediately set about prepping an enormous hat which would both complement Konservo's distinctive facial makeup and illustrate his equally distinctive campaign journey. Even Heidi Klum had praise for his miniature rendition of the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa - Konservo's springboard to global attention - and pronounced the designer's work in the challenge not just appropriate, but "wunderbar."

Spokespeople for the Konservo campaign were not responding to press queries as the entourage boarded their VW Westphalia to make for their regional headquarters at the Heart O'Chicago Motel to await the following day's returns.