"If Senator Clinton does not win the Democratic Primary does that mean the Apocalypse will be called off or just delayed?" asked the Roachman the other day.
It’s a question that many RALPH watchers are starting to ask: what will happen to our candidate if the Obama juggernaut continues? RALPH bases his whole campaign on the assumption that Clinton will win handily, thus ushering in the End Times - which he himself will miss because he’ll have been Raptured by then. But if Obama wins the nomination, does that mean no End Times? No Rapture? RALPH is stuck on this earth for another who knows how long?
He hinted at the answer to that question earlier this month. The other day he and his Bedlam Buddies, in their latest installment of the dramatized Morning After (presented at the Holy Rapture Tabernacle in Southeast Wazoo Junction, Texas), hinted at it again.
Scene: a psychiatrist’s office. PIAPS is lying on the couch. DR. FERNSEHER, in a rumpled suit and a long beard, is sitting in a chair beside her, taking notes.
DOCTOR: But you have no reason to feel this way. You have everything you ever dreamed of. You are the President of the United States. You have unlimited power. You’ve won Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity to your side. You’re sending your enemies the Rapture Christians to re-education camps by the trainload. (Boos from the audience). And the Lincoln Bedroom is full of nubile young ladies ready to kick off their Speedos at the crook of your finger. Sweaty moaning ecstasies all night long! Bumping of doughnuts until there is nothing left of them but a few crumbs and some congealed Boston creme! Tattooed breasts heaving -
PIAPS: Yes, Doctor, I take your point. Please wipe the drool off your mouth. I know I have everything I ever wanted, but, as Shakespeare said, "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown."
DOCTOR: Is there anything particular that makes you uneasy?
PIAPS: There are no listening devices in the room?
DOCTOR: Oh no, Ms. President, nothing like that!
PIAPS: Don’t take notes on this. That’s an executive order.
DOCTOR: (rips his notes into little pieces and stuffs them in his mouth) Mmmf. Go ahhdd.
PIAPS: I can hardly bear to admit it, Doctor, but - I’m afraid of RALPH.
DOCTOR chokes, and spews pieces of paper all over the floor.
PIAPS: Yes, it sounds bizarre, I know. But remember last August, when we got that telegram from Barack Obama? The one where he said he’d rather be an Antarctic explorer than the President, and was gone to McMurdo Sound to seek the meaning of life?
DOCTOR: How can we ever forget that? It dismayed the whole nation.
PIAPS: That telegram has been haunting me ever since.
DOCTOR: How so it has been haunting you?
PIAPS (wringing her hands): Because - I - no, I can’t say it. But RALPH ... he’s the only one in America who might have guessed...
DOCTOR (leaning forward and drooling again) Guessed what? (Silence). I said, WHAT!? (More silence. DOCTOR leaps from his chair.) SPIT IT OUT, PIAPS, YOU SKANKY BUNNY-BOILING, CARPET-MUNCHING, OSAMA-KISSING VAGITARIAN DEMLIB BITCH! YOU ARE EXPOSED!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
PIAPS (leaping to her feet): Oh no! It was you all the time! But you haven’t gotten anything out of me yet! And you never will! The Newshounds of the Caribbean are outside! They’ll feed you to the sharks!
RALPH: THE RAPTURE IS NOT CANCELLED!!! THE RAPTURE IS COMING!!!! DON’T BELIEVE THOSE JIHADIST LIBTARD NEWSHOUNDS!!! IT’S NOT PIAPS WHO DECIDES THESE THINGS BUT SOMEONE MUCH GREATER!!!!! THE RAPTURE IS COMING!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Curtain falls as RALPH continues to laugh maniacally.
This scene got a tremendous reception in Southeast Wazoo Junction. However, down in the West Texas town of El Paso, people are flocking to California Blat rallies (they particularly love the seven Rottweilers, whom he’s trained to line-dance while he sings "Walk this Way"), and RALPH is barely a blip on the political horizon.
A new poll coming out shortly may help us gauge Americans’ reaction to RALPH’s message, in light of the changing political situation.