Monday, March 31, 2008

REMINDER: TROLL PARTY TOWN HALL TOMORROW, APRIL 1!!

If you have not yet done so, there is still time to submit questions for RALPH, Konservo and California Blat to answer during what may be the Troll Party's only Town Hall Debate of the campaign season! Even now, feverish preparations are afoot at the Fux News temporary auditorium in Yantis, Texas, where all three candidates will take the stage on Tuesday. Watch this blog for transcripts, podcasts and video of the landmark event and, of course, feel free to submit your questions below.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Inside California Blat: The Manic Mage of the Mojave

California Blat is a hero of the road.
He’s totally out of his tree.
He rides the desert in his pickup truck
And he’s a Presidential wannabee (poor boy),
A crazy Presidential wannabee.

As the Troll Party Candidates’ Debate draws near, we bring you a profile of the most enigmatic character in the race - the legendary Hippie Outlaw Magic-Man of the Desert, California Blat.

Those who knew him, back when he was just plain Blat, would never have believed he’d turn out the way he did. Blat often made wild claims about his parentage: for example, that he'd been found in the hold of a trading ship just arrived in New York Harbor from Samarkand (easily disproved since Samarkand is about 1,000 miles from the nearest ocean); or that he’d been born on a 12-foot sailboat in a storm off Cape Horn; or that a European noblewoman had left him on a convent doorstep with a note saying "Be kind to my precious child and see that he never grows up to be a vitamin salesman."

In reality, he was born into a family of accounting clerks and copy-paper salesmen in Hammond, Indiana. In his teens he spent most of his spare time reading books like Think and Grow Rich but there’s no record of his ever actually having done either. He did become a vitamin salesman in spite of his mother's plea. But he was not a very successful one; he was always complaining about "the rat race" and bragging how he could do better if only this horrible screwed-up society would let him. According to one of his customers, Kestrel Fire-Spirit who manages Fire-Spirit’s Holistic Emporium, "I could sense his bitter, negative aura a mile away. It always made me want to curl up into a ball and lick my toes like a kitten."

It was while on his sales rounds that he met RALPH, who was just putting a copy of The Morning After on his windshield. Their first conversation started rather inauspiciously, with Blat shouting, "Get the fuck away from my car!" But it ended at the nearest bar, and a few days later, it resulted in Blat joining RALPH’s campaign as his hand-picked Vice-Presidential appointee.

It didn’t take long for Blat to become disillusioned again. When RALPH went on a speaking tour, the VP-designate took off on his own and hit the road, being was arrested for wandering through restricted parts of the White House and thrown out of a nightclub in Nashville on the way. Brought to heel at last, he appeared doomed to a life driving RALPH’s campaign van and picking up his dry cleaning.

But early last August, while RALPH was speaking at a campaign stop at an industrial facility in Smallville, Kansas, an explosion splattered the air with color and, in Blat’s own words, " in the confusion I could for a moment have sworn that I saw a carbon copy of myself, fleeing the scene in horror and looking, if I may say so, downright liberal!"

The rest, as they say, is history. California Blat surfaced in LA very soon after, preaching love for all the world, and quickly became a hero in the deserts of the Southwest for rescuing strangers in distress. Alarmed at his defection, RALPH sent the Moment-Men to nail him, but they wound up becoming his devoted disciples.

California Blat’s advantages are obvious. He has a magic baseball cap that dispenses $$$, which could probably save the economy single-handed. He has been seen to teach Rottweilers to line-dance, turn himself into a vulture, and stand in a hail of machine-gun fire without getting a scratch. If he has nothing to say, he can take out his National guitar and sing.

Beyond that, though, we don’t know what his position is on key issues. When a reporter asked him about his policies recently, he merely took out his guitar and sang (to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel"):

I haven’t got positions
Don’t care for all that stuff.
I only know I love the world
And that should be enough,
Cause I’m a mighty hero,
(A mighty hero)
And RALPH is just a zero,
Yes he is.

Maybe the upcoming debate would be a good opportunity to find out what (or if) he really thinks.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

COMING APRIL 1 - THE TROLL PARTY TOWN HALL DEBATE!!!

The Troll Party organizers have done the impossible! We’ve gotten RALPH, Konservo and California Blat to agree to answer YOUR questions and, we hope, DEBATE one another VIGOROUSLY on the issues!

On the evening of Tuesday, April 1, the Candidates will answer YOUR questions on any topic you choose to ask them about:
• war in the Middle East
• the environment
• doughnut bumping
• American Idol
• the meaning of life
• favorite toilet cleaners...

You name it, they'll debate it! No subject is off limits!

If you want to submit questions in advance to give the Candidates time to think (they need a LOT of time for that, you know), you can post them in the Comments section of this post, or on Newshounds Off-Topic Forum.

More details and logistical stuff to follow. Just stay tuned!

Will RALPH go orgasmic if he hears the word “pantsuit”?
Will Konservo give us a preview of his new Cher tribute show?
Will California Blat bring his seven line-dancing Rottweilers?

Join us on April 1 and find out!

`*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•..•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°`*’
RALPH ... KONSERVO ... CALIFORNIA BLAT!
LUNATIC CANDIDATES FOR A CRAZY WORLD!
They debate.... you decide! .
•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”``”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•. ”*°•.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Ad Wars Kick It Up a Notch - RALPH Answers the Phone

Reportedly outraged at Konservo's recent accusatory ad proclaiming him a "sissy" and "donut-bumper" for refusing to meet his former associate in debate, RALPH and his campaign today fired back with a new campaign advertisement outlining the value of his experience in...well, whatever RALPH is actually experienced in.



Whether it was Campaign Blat or California Blat referenced in the ad remains unclear. The Sonny Brothers, speaking for Team RALPH, declined to comment, Sonny White declaring that the advertisement "speaks for itself."

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Barack of the Antarctic; RALPH's Ministry to Obama Continues

We thought RALPH would be heading for Pennsylvania, where Konservo is trying to needle him into a debate. Instead, the Morning After Road Show has taken an unexpected detour into Illinois. It was part of the Candidate's ongoing ministry to Senator Barack Obama, as was the following dramatization which took place this morning at a Holiness Fire Church just south of Springfield.

Sound of howling wind. Curtain rises on a rude log shack, with board walls, a few rough chairs, a gun-metal stove, and, incongruously, a big-screen TV. Through a window we can see mountains of ice. BARACK OBAMA (played by Ezekiel Zacharias, who has played Ann Coulter in previous episodes) sits on a rough wooden chair, wearing a parka with a fur hood. There are two husky dogs at his feet.

OBAMA (smiling a big phony smile): Hello everyone, and welcome to the latest installment of “Survivor: Antarctic Candidate,” the ultimate reality show that pits former Presidential candidates against one another and the savage Last Continent. I’m here with two of my huskies, Truffles and Caviar. John McCain wanted to be with us today, but he’s still nursing Mitt Romney after that sea lion attack. The sucker jumped right up out of the water and started chasing Mitt across an ice floe. I thought all seals did was swim. Today my pups and I will have a wonderful day. We’re going to go for a sled ride! Aren't you happy, girl? (Makes to pat Caviar, who snarls and tries to snap at his hand.)

Oh dear, we’re cross today. (Lowers his voice). And let me tell you something in confidence. I’m pretty cross myself. This place is a bitch. Sometimes, as I lie in my bunk listening to the wind howl and the ice crack, I think to myself, Barack, you should have listened to RALPH. He kept trying to tell you, with those phone calls and tracts and blog posts. He warned you to become Rapture Ready or you’d be spending the rest of your life, and all eternity, with You Know Who. But did I believe him? No! I thought he was a nutcase. I wanted too much to be President. And now where am I! Exiled to Antarctica, me and the man-eating sea lions.

The TV set suddenly switches itself on, revealing TARYN standing completely naked, holding a cucumber. The audience cheers.

TARYN: Hey, dude! None of that attitude! You are not an exile, remember; you’re an enthusiastic participant in a blockbuster reality-TV series.

OBAMA: Yes, that’s what PIAPS has told me to say. But let me tell you...

TARYN: No, let me tell you. There's a plane waiting on a runway in Christchurch, New Zealand. You know what’s on it. Real caviar and truffles. Filet mignon. Cognac. New hi-tech winter clothes. A box full of DVDs. If you're good, and stick to the script, we’ll give the word and that plane will take off, right to your door. But if you keep on with this attitude stuff... well, we’ll have to have another Elimination Challenge, and maybe what happened to Ron Paul will happen to you.

OBAMA (gulps) No - uh - no elimination challenges, thanks.

TARYN: Thought you’d agree. Now stop bitching and get back to playing the game. With verve and zest. I don't want to have to warn you again. I had to leave the Lincoln Bedroom to come speak to you, and there's an amazing party going on there and I really want to get back to it. If you make me come back and check on you again, I won’t be happy. (The TV switches off.)

OBAMA (sighing). Well, my furry friends, I guess we’d better go hunting. And don’t worry, we won't be out long and I won’t take you anywhere near that crevasse. (Exit OBAMA with dogs.)

Enter RALPH.

RALPH: TAKE HEED OF THIS MESSAGE, SENATOR OBAMA! YOU WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT - ALL YOU’LL EVER BE IS A WALKING TARGET!!!!

EMBRACE THE RAPTURE!!! CAREFULLY REVIEW THE MATERIALS SENT TO YOU, ESPECIALLY THE MORNING AFTER !!!! SHARE IT WITH YOUR STAFF!!!! CALL THE CONFIDENTIAL AMERICAPHILE PRAYER COUNSELING NUMBER FOR ONE-ON-ONE WITNESSING AND MINISTRY!!!! FIND A VOTER REGISTRATION FORM AT YOUR OFFICE AND TO CHANGE YOUR PARTY AFFILIATION TO THE PRO-AMERICAN G.O.P.!!!!

SENATOR, PLEASE DON'T GO WITH THE FLOE; GO WITH THE RAPTURE!!! YOU WILL BE FEASTING IN PARADISE WHILE AMERICA GROVELS UNDER THE HEEL OF SKANKY, CARPET-MUNCHING PIAPS!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

We have no word from Senator Obama’s office on whether he intends to follow RALPH’s counsel - or join the march of the penguins.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Konservo Surges With a Hard-Hitting Ad in Pennsylvania

Desperate to make his mark on the Troll Party campaign, in the face of Ralph's popularity surge thanks to the traveling show of "The Morning After" and California Blat's undeniable populist appeal given his magical baseball cap's largesse, KONSERVO - largely shedding his cross-dressing mantle in order to challenge Ralph's lead in the polls - is hitting back hard with a new campaign video.


video

While Konservo could not be reached for comment on this latest salvo in the increasingly acrimonious Troll Party campaign, the following comments were recorded from rival campaigners.

McCain: "Who's this young feller anyway? What about the Spanish? Have we ceded Arizona?"
Obama: "I prefer to discuss the way forward, not the way backward."
Clinton: "Do you want the Troll Party answering the phone at 3 AM?"
Ralph: "PIAPS! Pantsuit! Pantsuit! Pantsuit! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Konservo, meanwhile, is reported to be organizing street theatre in Pittsburgh over the coming weeks.