Monday, December 15, 2008

The Ministry Continues: or, Artichokes in the Khyber Pass

This is further to the report of my partner RalphyFan on the efforts to retire RALPH’s 2008 campaign debt, while maintaining and building upon his current Ministry. In addition to his ongoing Windshield activities, and the sale of Ralphie Action Figures, it appears that the once (and possibly future?) candidate is offering his dramatizations of The Morning After to network television.

The indefatigable Campaign Bloggers have managed to retrieve the following proposed script from a wastebasket at the Disney Channel headquarters. Perhaps, however, another network has accepted it and will run it in the new year:

-------------------------

Scene: a cave somewhere in the Tribal Areas of Pakistan. Furnished with a table and some rickety chairs, a worn carpet and a state-of-the-art computer with Web cam. OSAMA BIN LADEN is seated in one of the chairs, nervously braiding and unbraiding his beard, while one of his lieutenants (let’s call him AKBAR) paces the floor restlessly. Sound of a cold wind blowing.
BIN LADEN: Oh I hate being stuck up here in winter! I wish spring would come so we could swoop down upon the lowlands like an eagle upon its prey!
AKBAR: Spring will come eventually, inshallah. At least it has always come before this.
(More sounds of wind.)
BIN LADEN: It is so lonely up here. No one ever comes to visit me. I sit by myself, alone with my thoughts, day after day after bitter day. Do you know what I’d like, most in all the world, Akbar?
AKBAR: Universal jihad, and an Islamic state throughout the world?
BIN LADEN: That too. But right now, what I’d really like is a pizza. I have not tasted pizza since I was a university student in Jiddah. Is it a sign of my old age, that I should crave a decadent Western dish?
Honking of horns.
VOICE OF PIAPS (outside): Did somebody mention pizza?
BIN LADEN (rises, his face lighting up): Is that who I think it is?
PIAPS: It is indeed! (She enters, carrying two large flat cardboard boxes, followed by a figure in a black burqa.) And I have brought not one pizza but two! This is a Classic Combo, but with all-beef pepperoni. And this one is a gourmet variety: goat cheese, artichokes and ground chicken.
BIN LADEN (deeply moved): You brought these all the way up here for me?
PIAPS: A little token of my continued regard, Sam. I’m on my first official visit to the Middle East but Taryn and I (the burqa bows deeply) managed to evade our escort so that I could visit you. I came to let you know that even though I am now Secretary of State, I never forget who my real friends are - or (chuckles evilly) what my real purpose is.
BIN LADEN: I am delighted that you have not forgotten your real purpose. In your new position you must be more circumspect than ever - but of course you know that. It is just as well that no one in America knows your real purpose.
PIAPS: Actually, there is one person in America who knows. In fact, he’s written a very perceptive little masterwork on the subject, and posts it on a blog in installments.
BIN LADEN: The dog! The pig! The vile piece of sewer slime! Give me his name and I will have him boiled in oil!
PIAPS: No need for that. No one in America believes him. They all think he’s a nutcase. We can deal with him at our leisure. Now I must go; but remember, I am still your friend under the surface.
BIN LADEN: I am deeply grateful - for the pizza and particularly for your reassurance.

(Scene change: a Jeep parked outside a cave in the mountains, ringed around by Afghan guards with machine guns. PIAPS and TARYN emerge from the cave mouth and get into the car.)
TARYN: Whew! Now at last I can get out of this damn burqa! (She tears it off and throws it under her feet, revealing that she is clad in Speedo briefs and Doc Martens, and nothing else except tattoos. The driver looks back at her, hastily averts his eyes and swerves the vehicle swiftly before it can plummet over the edge of a cliff.)
PIAPS: Now, it’s on to Israel to meet with Tzipi Livni. Mmm, she looks like really hot stuff. Book me some time at the Ein Gedi Spa for her and me, there’s a dear. Make sure to schedule a nice leisurely therapeutic bath in Dead Sea mud. No, don’t look so miserable, dear. You’re quite welcome to join us. The more the merrier! Ah, the whole world is mine! I love this job already! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
----------------
We will let you know if any channel picks this up. In the meantime, help our candidate this Christmas, and order Ralphie Action Figures for your family, friends, co-workers, local radio talk show staff... for everyone!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Own a Piece of RALPH History!

With the heated Troll Party recount in American Samoa at last drawing to a close - and showing a decided preference for "A Small Ball of String" over the Ralph/Blat 2008 ticket - the campaign has finally conceded defeat in its Presidential hopes this election cycle. As the candidates console themselves with a massive binge on doughnuts and Mountain Dew, however, dedicated staffers are doing their best to retire the massive campaign debt amassed for cheap automobile rentals, emergency-overall-mending, hired security to protect the candidates from enraged liberal mobs armed with marshmallow popguns, and of course Konservo's expansive wardrobe (which, unlike Sarah Palin, he has indicated he has no intention whatsoever of giving back).

A key element in the strategy to reduce the Ralph/Blat 2008 debt is the campaign's push to make their exclusive Ralphie Action Figure the wingnut child's toy of choice this holiday season. The campaign released these key selling points to industry distributors as part of their pitch:

The RALPHIE Action Figure is sure to top every boy's and girl's Santa list this year. An authentic likeness of the notorious Presidential candidate and Americaphile Minister, RALPHIE is a dream come true for your little future College Republican! Check out these exciting features:

* He talks! RALPHIE delivers a selection from his ten favorite catchphrases with every pull of the string. His repertoire includes:

"BWAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"IMPLEMENT THE BEAUTIFUL COULTER PLAN FOR MIDDLE EAST STABILITY!!!!"

"SET THE CAPTIVES FREEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"THE CULTURE WAR IS SO FUCKING ON!!!!"

"PLEASE CALL THE AMERICAPHILE MINISTRIES COUNSELING LINE FOR PRAYER AND WISE COUNSEL!!!!!"

"KEEP AMERICA AND ULSTÈR FREE FROM FENIANISM, DESPOTISM, FIANNA FAIL, ALCOHOLISM, SUPERSTITION, THE AOH, BIGOTRY, IDOLATRY, THE WOLFE TONES, IGNORANCE, GURU MAGGOTS, PATTERNS, GLUE-SNIFFING, ENYA (NEW AGE), INCEST, THE INQUISTION, BUCKFAST, JESUITS, DOMESTIC ABUSE, TERRORISM AND THE MASS!!!!!"

"THEY CAN'T EVEN THINK!!!!"

* The RALPHIE Action Figure comes with our exclusive Ralphie-Sprinkle'otron Action for authentic doughnut-bumping. Add some Play-Doh from your existing Fuzzy Pumper playset for even more exciting bumping action - just wind him up and watch him go!

* Keep the RALPHIE fun going with accessories like the Tinfoil Hat action set and, for the ultimate in RALPHIE playtime, the exciting "The Morning After" White House. At one moment it's the staid, formal Lincoln Bedroom, then click! - it's ready for all the fun RALPHIE hijinks you love. Add on Taryn's Womyn's Sweatlodge for even more exciting playtime options! (Your sister's Barbies will never be the same again!)

* For a limited time only, past donors to the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign can have their RALPHIE Action Figure signed by the candidate himself, for only an additional $89.95, plus the cost of the Action Figure ($29.95), plus shipping and handling ($12.95), plus liability insurance ($124.95) to hold the campaign and the RALPHIE Action Figure manufacturer harmless from all damages, including emotional distress on the part of the recipient of this unique, collectible toy.

* Order now! You won't want to miss your opportunity to own an exciting piece of history like this one!
Campaign staffers declined to offer any data on RALPHIE Action Figure sales to date, but they did say that business from Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia had been particularly brisk, and they hinted that a limited edition pair of Konservo/Sarah Palin dolls might be produced in future, designed for a shared designer wardrobe.

The RALPHIE Action Figure can be ordered direct at 1-800-BUMP-NUT.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

A Campaign Game-Changer?

Enthusiasm has been lacking in the Troll Party ranks ever since the tepid public response to the “Derision 2008” Town Hall session earlier this year. RALPH’s predictions regarding an imminent RAPTURE have thus far failed to materialize; California Blat’s musical populist whereabouts remain a mystery; Campaign Blat’s stolen van has disappeared again after one brief sighting “down by the river”; and Lephari, that mythic wanderer, continues to ricochet from NYPD precinct to precinct in search of a willing ear to receive his prophetic warnings of subway terror and chaos.

But in these days of “lipstick on a pig” and foreign policy by proximity, one erstwhile Troll Party candidate has seized the moment - and at least a fraction of the national imagination - by calling for a radical shake-up in the ticket of one major party.

Konservo, once among the front-runners to share the Troll Party ticket with RALPH, last night held a hasty press conference at the Polo Club in Hartford, Connecticut’s South End, where he is establishing a rapid response center in anticipation of the forthcoming Newshounds Off-Topic Convention later this month. The candidate – stunning in a lime-green halter-top gown with matching shawl, his latest wig styled in a fetching schoolmarm up-do punctuated with a large rhinestone flag pin – opened with the following prepared remarks:
(accepting a jello shot from popular Club entertainer “Marita Bonita”)

Good evening, my dear friends! It’s simply marvelous to see such an excited turnout here tonight! I’m sure it’s all because of me and not the two-for-one appetizers or the Midori martinis. ANYWAY, just in a moment of seriousness, I’ve called you all here tonight because I sincerely believe that we, U.S. Americans, such as, must seize this critical moment in our history to make a choice that will forever alter the face of this nation and the level of respect and dignity in which we are held around the globe.

Now, we’ve all seen how shamefully the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, has been treated by the corporate media. The disrespect of expecting someone in that position to understand the Bush Doctrine, the unmitigated gall of asking what qualifications living in a state near Russia confer on one’s foreign policy chops, and above all the absolute snub of Charlie Gibson's failure to open the nominee’s first one-on-one interview with the traditional exclamation “Darling, what are you wearing? – you look simply divine!

Well, I say it’s time to put a stop to this rank brutality. No moose-hunter should have to endure such relentless grilling by the wolfpack media – not even from a low-flying plane.

I would like to offer the Republican ticket a graceful way out of this dilemma.

Senator McCain….pick me! Ooh, please, pretty pretty please, pick ME!!

A pit bull with lipstick? Honey, that’s a look I invented. Global expertise? Can anyone forget my heroic efforts to rescue RALPH from the Royal Ottawa Hospital in godless, socialistic Canada earlier in this campaign? Talking about energy? Well, anyone who has seen my cabaret act knows that I put out enough juice to singlehandedly power any small rural town on the tundra you care to name. And forget about earmarks – any ticket involving Konservo will be heavy on the earrings.

You want reform? Well, just imagine the kind of change I could bring to the GOP ticket. A little fashion reform, for a start! Did you see what Cindy was wearing on the first non-night of the convention in dear old Minneapolis/St. Paul, home of my favorite airport restroom? Hel-LO, Rhinestone Cowgirl, if you’re going to shell out that much on a dress then for heaven’s sake go for a look that doesn’t scream Flash Gordon Bimbo! No, a Konservo-influenced administration will bring in some fresh talent, Project Runway-style, to garb the Cabinet. I’m thinking Christian Siriano for domestic policy, and for foreign policy something more restrained and structured, maybe a little Rami Kashou. With a few special outfits from that crazy woman who spit-marks her patterns, just to keep things interesting, for the U.N. Ambassador…who will after all have to stand up to Paris couture and international scrutiny. You can't go up against Chanel unprepared and unvetted.

It solves so many problems, Senator McCain. Your trophy veep from Alaska won’t have to continue to undergo the third degree from the Fourth Estate. You’ll still have someone absolutely gorgeous to ogle on the campaign trail (nudge-nudge, wink-wink). I’m supremely confident I can deliver the Log Cabin Republican vote for you, even if I have to persuade them voter by voter (nudge-nudge, wink-wink, again). And after what I’ve already been through in this campaign, I’m absolutely fearless – no media pundit, no opposition candidate, no Sausage-Haus proprietor is too daunting for me to take on!

So, I implore you, Senator. Consider my proposal. And let’s really make history…together.

And now, my friends, before I take some questions from these very uncomfortable-looking reporters, I would like to conclude my remarks with a little song! Maestro?
With this, Konservo grabbed a proffered microphone from Club entertainer “Ms. Phil” and regaled the audience with his own version of “I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General”:
I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President
Embody all that’s evil, yet I cover it with sentiment.
I know the world’s heads of state from Gordon Brown to Medvedev
With many a histor’cal nod to Stalin, Blair and Gorbachev.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with taxes and th’ economy;
The first, I never pay them, and the second doesn’t bother me.
These people losing jobs and homes, I just tune out their hollers…
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!

(at this point the Polo Club chorus stepped in)
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollarlollars!

I'm very good at marking ears and lining lobbyists’ pockets,
And stonewalling subpoenas that would put my staff in dockets.
In short, when it involves a Unitary Executive precedent,
I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President!
Konservo then seated himself on the Polo Club’s massive bar, showing a tempting quantity of leg as “Marita” poured him a generous margarita, and settled in to take reporters’ questions. A detailed transcript of the explosive Q&A will follow this breaking news report in due course.

Friday, August 22, 2008

ARMAGEDDON: SIX DAYS AND COUNTING

Is the date for the Rapture set? RALPH appears to think so.

It appears that the heavily favored Troll Party candidate for President lost interest in the campaign after Senator Clinton was defeated in the primaries. He abruptly deserted his "Morning After" road show, leaving his partner, the Reverend Thomas P. Zacharias of Bedlam Junction, Pennsylvania, to pay the hotel bills. Taking no further part in the campaign, he withdrew to his fortified retreat in the mountains of Montana and started obsessing about the Irish.

Now, however, it seems that Senator Clinton’s intention to play a role in next week’s Democratic convention has revived his fervor for the End of Days.

"In RALPH’s theology, Clinton’s presence is essential for the Rapture to take place," says the noted RALPHologist, Canon Simeon Infarct-Smith of the Church of St.-Michael’s-Up-the-Creek in Rumball, New Jersey. "Therefore, when she apparently ceased to be a political player, the thought of at least four more un-Raptured years threw RALPH into despair. Now, the prospect of her presidency has raised his hopes."

He puts it this way in his latest blog entry:

IF THE RAPTURE OCCURS BEFORE THURSDAY, AUGUST 28TH, THE NEWLY-RAPTURE-READY SENATOR OBAMA WILL BE RAPTURED ALONG WITH SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN AND AMERICAS GREATEST PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH AND VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY LEAVING PIAPS TO RUN UNOPPOSED IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!!!

BY DEFAULT, NANCY PELOSI WOULD BECOME "PRESIDENT" UNTIL PIAPS WINS UNOPPOSED IN NOVEMBER TO BE SWORN-IN ON JANUARY 19, 2009, TO START THE FIRST CHAPTER OF THE MORNING AFTER!!!!

He does qualify the predictions by saying, STILL MUCH IS SPECULATIVE AT THIS POINT!!!!!! However, sources close to the Candidate claim he doesn’t believe his own qualifier. "He’s getting ready for the Rapture," said Sonny White. "He really thinks it’s coming next Thursday."

But Moment-Man Jesse Earl Pickin, spokesman for arch-rival California Blat, says, "There ain’t no Army-Geddin comin’ on Thursday. That’s a pile o’ crap. He ain’t gonna git outta the campaign that easy."

We’ll be counting down the days...

Thursday, May 22, 2008

RALPH’s Vision for Border Control Catches Fire (Literally)


With the Democratic Party’s nomination battle between Senators Clinton and Obama headed into overtime, scant attention has been focused on the RALPH campaign since the Troll Party Town Hall earlier this spring. Does that mean the candidate has been idle, coasting lazily into an all-but-certain nomination on a string of dull speeches punctuated with a laconic and insincere “my friends” every half-dozen words or so? No, indeed – in his trademark style, RALPH has blazed forward, taking his message of radical foreign policy and border control overhaul to convenience store after convenience store throughout the sparsely-populated regions of the Upper Midwest, straight to the heart of his dedicated (if deeply and fundamentally confused) constituency.

RALPH’s most recent stump speech at the Shop-n-Save Laundromat & Deli adjoining the Sinclair station in Ottertail, Minnesota outlined his “TEN ESSENTIALS FOR ESTABLISHING AMERICA’S RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WORLD.” He delivered this barn-burner of a speech from the artfully-staged bed of a flatbed pickup truck as Sonny White, Sonny Green and Sonny Black sat on the bumper whittling themselves new sets of teeth (knotty pine) while Campaign Blat, stoned on vitamins, sulked in the van.

“COULTER PLAN! COULTER PLAN!” shouted RALPH repeatedly.

Ida Rose Svensdottir, sorting her lights from her darks as the speech began, shrugged. “I don’t give a fig for what he says he’ll do about horses,” she commented to a fellow laundromat patron (apparently mis-hearing his reference as to a “colt-er” plan). “He just better not get any of that muck from that truck on my linens. Also, I’m much more interested in his economic stimulus package. I could barely pay to drive here to do my laundry after the kickback check from the current administration.”

As RALPH moved on to his plans for defensive barriers at both the southern and northern borders of the United States, his message fell on more enthusiastic ears in the form of Lars Svensson, a long-time resident of Ottertail who is a regular at the Tuesday foot-long-sub-combo-special at the Deli. “I completely get what he’s saying about the Doberman patrols along the Canadian border. Might stop them lining up on the other side most weekends, brandishing hockey sticks and taunting us about weak beer. The alligators on the Mexican border, well, I don’t know if that makes a whole lotta sense given the risk of poachers trying to shoot them for a new pair of boots. But I leave that to the experts.” Although not in a position to donate financially to the RALPH campaign, Lars did offer to share the Fritos from his combo with the campaign team, even as the campaign displayed the composite image shown above, outlining their border plan.

But the rally really kicked into high gear as RALPH prepared to address his grievances regarding Ulster and the Vatican. Not because of RALPH’s often inflammatory rhetoric, but thanks to a sudden

`”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•..•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`
------ E X P L O S I O N ------
.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”``”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•. ”*°•.

in the bank of tumble dryers at the Shop-n-Save.

Ida Rose emerged through a cloud of smoke, screaming for assistance. “The third Speed Queen down just blew completely up! Somebody call the fire department!”

Lars, sniffing the air experimentally, commented that the combination of flame and the chemicals in a box of Bounce would result in a toxic cloud that could make Three Mile Island look like a picnic, and advised bystanders to clear the area in an orderly manner.

RALPH reacted to the incident with the cool, calm leadership qualities we all look for in a Chief Executive.

He leapt down from the flatbed screaming:

“PIAPS!!!! IT’S PIAPS!!!!!!

QUICK, SOMEBODY FIND OUT HOW FAR WE ARE FROM HER NEAREST CAMPAIGN OFFICE!!!!!!!
SET THE CAPTIVES FR…..

and at this point he disappeared underneath the flatbed, crawling rapidly on hands and knees away from the conflagration.

The three Sonny Brothers placidly continued to whittle, Sonny Black occasionally distance-spitting in an apparent attempt to reach the newspaper vending machine bolted to the concrete outside the now flaming Shop-n-Save.

But before a panicked Ida Rose could reach the highway-side phone booth to call 9-1-1, an unexpected figure pulled into the Sinclair station with unmistakable flair and a circular skid that would have done any Hollywood stuntman proud.

Yes, it was California Blat himself who emerged from the cab of his red-white-and-blue pickup (to which not a grain of dust adhered), his guitar slung across his back and his legendary baseball cap covering his rapidly balding pate. Swinging his instrument easily into place (settle down, now, gentle reader; that’s not the instrument I meant!) he strummed an opening chord and sang:

I didn’t start the fire,
But now that it’s burning
Time I was returning;
I didn’t start the fire,
No, I didn’t light it,
But I’m here to fight it!

And with that musical pronouncement, California Blat swept his baseball cap off and beat back the flames with it, leaving snowdrop petals wherever it landed and ensuring that Ida Rose’s precious percale sheets not only retained their luxurious hand in the wake of the disaster, but were also perfectly pressed and folded. One final, triumphant chord resulted in the entire Shop-n-Save gleaming with a new coat of paint, a repaired Slurpee machine, and the welcome disappearance of Starburst Fruit Chews from the snack aisle.

The Sonnys leapt to their feet in applause, Ida Rose hugged California Blat while cuddling her pillowcases, and Lars acknowledged grudging admiration, allowing as how maybe he could vote for a guy who would singlehandedly fight deli/laundromat fires so courageously, alligators or no alligators...though he would have to weigh heavily such a candidate’s stand on Dobermans.

RALPH could be heard to quietly bleat from beneath the flatbed: “CHANGING LIVES! ON THE MARCH!! YES!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!!!!

California Blat took a step nearer and strummed a threatening D-Minor chord, and RALPH subsided.

Vaulting back into the cab of his pickup, California Blat sang his farewell:

Well, since that RALPHIE’s speeches
Ain’t so much to recall,
I hope that you all will vote for me
At election time this fall…
Coz I am a hero, baby,
A great big hero,
And RALPH is a zero, yes he is.


On that note – literally – California Blat was off as he had come, wheeling into the distance with theatrical flair.

By the time RALPH had emerged from under the flatbed, peering cautiously from side to side in fear of PIAPS’ minions, Ida Rose had long since returned home with her lemon-fresh laundry, Lars had consumed his combo and departed for parts unknown, the Sonny Brothers were asleep on the flatbed – one of them mumbling/humming “I’m proud to be an Okie from Muskogee” while deep in REM – and Campaign Blat appeared to have taken the van and left them stranded overnight.

As this reporter left the scene, RALPH was doggedly placing printouts from “The Morning After” under windshields of the vehicles parked near the Shop-n-Save…apparently oblivious to the fact that the area adjacent to the Sinclair Station/Shop-n-Save – littered with vehicles – was, in fact, an automotive salvage yard.

LATE UPDATE: RALPH’s campaign had no comment on the charges of trespassing and vandalism filed today by Joe’s Auto Salvage of Ottertail, MN.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Lephari on the Warpath

We have finally managed to trace the wherabouts of RALPH's fantastical clone, Prophet Lephari, last seen as the unappreciative guest of the Newshounds of the Caribbean.

As usual, his adventures are of epic proportions. Read on...

(Invocation:)

Of mad Lephari’s frenzied wanderings
Sing, glorious Muse; inspire my feeble pen
With fantasies bizarre and marvellous!

(The narrative commenceth...)

Across the broad Atlantic sails a ship,
Bearing the Jolly Roger on its mast.
It is the "Snakeskin Bentley", and its crew,
The famous Newshounds of the Caribbean!
Upon the deck a mound of treasure gleams,
The plunder of their celebrated prize,
The cruise ship of the National Review.
The culinary plunder - surf and turf,
Sweet petit-fours and wines extraordinaire -
Are being shared among the pirate crew;
And special brownies, from the oven hot,
Are served about by beaming PbDs.
The pirates, in high glee, do laugh and sing:
"Oh pass the bottles round!
To Hartford we are bound!
To party on
At the Newshound Con
Till we pass out on the ground!”

Silent upon the deck Lephari stands,
Aloof from all the glee and merriment.
Leaning upon the plunder, moodily
He stares out at the emptiness of sea.
“Come, have a brownie!” urges Jolly Nell.
He picks one up and downs it wordlessly.

All of a sudden, from his pallid lips
There comes a shriek that echoes ‘cross the sea:
“ALAS!!! A SUDDEN VISION COMES UPON ME!!!
AND HIDEOUS THE HORRORS I BEHOLD!!!
FOR DEEP BENEATH THE TOWERS OF NEW YORK
A VILE CONSPIRACY IS BEING HATCHED!!!
THERE, HIDDEN IN THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH,
CONSORT THE LIBYANS AND THE FENIANS
AND ALL THE LEGIONS OF THE CHURCH OF ROME,
ALL BOWING SLAVISHLY BEFORE THE FEET
OF HER WHOSE NAME IS VOMIT ON MY TONGUE -
THE LOATHSOME PIAPS, DOUGHNUT-BUMPING SKANK!!!
HELP!!! NEW YORK CITY MUST BE WARNED AT ONCE -
I PRITHEE TAKE ME THERE - NO TIME TO LOSE!!!

The pirates laugh. “No fornicating way!
We’re bound for Hartford; we’ll no detours make!”
Lephari screams and raves - to no avail -
In fury snatches from the pile of loot
A silver coffee creamer; squeezes it
While mumbling: “Libtard PIAPS-loving scum!
I wish I were in New York City now,
To save its people!”


Lo! With rush of wind
The Bentley disappears! Before him now
The towers of Manhattan shine aloft
While all about him traffic honks and roars.
“Best get onto the sidewalk, friend,” a voice
Beside him says, in drawling Texan tones.
And lo! Behold! A wispy figure clad
In suit and tie, with gleaming toothy smile,
Hovers like cobweb at the creamer’s mouth.
“Praise to the Lord! Your wish is my command!”
Lephari stares astounded; then he asks, “
WHY, WHO ARE YOU? THE GENIE OF THE CREAMER?”
“I am no heathen genie!” snaps the wraith.
“I am a Christian, minion of the Lord;
Because you’re a believer, He has sent
Me to your aid, to grant you Wishes Three.
You’ve taken one already; I’m empow’rd
To grant two more.”



“THE LORD IS ON MY SIDE!!!”
Lephari chortles. “I WILL GO AT ONCE
TO WARN NYPD OF PIAPS’ PLOT,
AND WITH THEIR CHIEF DEVISE GREAT STRATEGIES
OF RESCUE!!! TREMBLE, SKANKY PIAPS VILE!!!
THE CULTURE WAR IS ON!!!!”

(...to be continued)

Monday, April 14, 2008

RALPH Blasts McCain Campaign Over "Donut Moment," Claims Clinton Complicit!


Off the beaten path but still on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania, RALPH today issued a blistering statement against presumptive Republican candidate John McCain. Speaking from the hood of a 1999 Pontiac Bonneville at Woy Brothers auto dealership in Somerset, the Troll Party frontrunner accused McCain of conspiring with Democratic rival Senator Hillary Clinton in what one onlooker describes as a "heckuva weird speaking style."

The source of RALPH's ire? It was reported today that, following the candidate's remarks at the annual meeting of the Associated Press, the moderator presented him with his "favorite treat"...half a dozen Dunkin' Donuts. With sprinkles.

"McCAIN HAS SUCCUMBED TO THE LURE OF P.I.A.P.S. AND HER DONUTS OF DOOM!" thundered RALPH. "SHE HAS TURNED THE ASSOCIATED PRESS MODERATOR INTO A PUSHER, HOOKING McCAIN ON HER SUGARY PERVERSITY! BEWARE THE SPRINKLES, SENATOR, OR YOU RISK MISSING THE RAPTURE AND SPENDING ALL OF ETERNITY WITH P.I.A.P.S.!!!! BWAHHHHHH!"

RALPH was unable to take questions from the audience, due to the rapid approach of Used Car Manager Sam Bandanna, heard to yell "Get the $%*# off that %#$(%ing car NOW, you *@%# lunatic! That's this week's Featured Vehicle!" RALPH's response was to slide down the Sand Beige hood and sprint for the road and his waiting van.

"SAVE YOURSELVES!" he screeched as campaign staffer Sonny Black peeled out into traffic on Highway 985 North. "DON'T VOTE FOR THAT SKANKY DONUT-PUSHER!! REMEMBER...WITHOUT PA THERE IS NO P.I.A.P.S.!!!!"

Befuddled locals pondered this statement, wondering whether RALPH meant the result would then be PIS, IPS, SIP, ISP, or PSI. The impromptu caucus then dispersed as Sam desperately tried to interest any of them in a black 1997 Grand Am.

In other Troll Party news, California Blat spent the weekend participating in a bowl-a-thon at Idle Hour Bowling Lanes (motto, "? Family Fun Center ?") in Scranton, earning $53.75 in charity pledges - matched penny for penny by his baseball cap - for his superhuman ability to convert 7-10 splits. Konservo danced the night away at Woody's Bar in Philly, vowing over his sixth $3 frozen margarita to be back this evening for karaoke night. And one unconfirmed report placed Campaign Blat picketing GNC headquarters in Pittsburgh and attempting to sign up employees going off-shift as Eniva affiliates.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Town Hall Lives On in Cyberspace


Well, ladies and gentlemen of Trollsylvania; residents of Freeperville; envoys from the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy; and anyone else who happens to have stumbled across tonight's festivities - the lights are dimming in Yantis, Texas (a former finalist for "Most Redneck Town In America"). The prospective candidates have all stumbled toward their campaign convoys, the pundits have begun their evaluations, and volunteers are cleaning up the detritus of the debate-closing ceremonial donut-drop.

But that doesn't mean the Town Hall is over! By no means. The candidates and representatives of their campaigns have pledged to continue monitoring your further questions and to respond to them as they arise. Think of it as the 7-Eleven of campaign debates: we never close!

In the coming days you'll see in this space insightful or at least space-filling reports from journalists on this debate - who were the winners, the losers, and Miss Congeniality. Audio and video coverage is also anticipated, to memorialize for all time the highlights and lowlights of this landmark event.

So, thanks to the providers of our debate venue, to our readers for their questions and issues, and to California Blat, Konservo and RALPH for their participation this evening. From the Troll Party Town Hall, I'm your host, RalphyFan. Good night: vote early, vote often.

More Policy from California Blat

I'm back. I have a few more questions to answer and I want to knock Konservo off the top of this blog...

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?
Oh, definitely a business opportunity. And don’t think Al Gore doesn’t know it. Let me tell you something: I was talking to this entrepenoor from Minneapolis, about growing bananas in Minnesota - and what do you think he told me? He said he’d already signed a deal with Al Gore! Man talks out of both sides of his mouth. He needs some vitamins to get him thinking straight.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?
The nameless scumbag who invented Lite Rock. Back when I was working in an office, that's all I'd hear - the same three songs over and over again on the same evil radio station. I will ABOLISH that radio station as soon as I become President and I will tear the country apart to find whoever owns it. Do you know how much TORMENT that person’s inflicted on the ears of society? I'll throw him into a soundproof prison and make him listen to those three songs over and over for the rest of his miserable life.

Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?
No, it won’t be a priority. I think it’s more of a priority for me to have a new Turkmen hat. Though I’d be happy to take on the Newshounds of the Caribbean in some other way. A Sumo wrestling tournament maybe?

• What about the impending RAPTURE?
As I mentioned before, I don’t believe it’s impending. I was told so by two unimpeachable sources - Elvis, and this pterodactyl I met last summer while I was climbing the letter Y in "HOLLYWOOD". They both said the RAPTURE was a lie invented to sell more donuts. I believe them.

Konservo BUMPS To The Front

TADAAADAAAADAAAAA - take that, RALPH!

Just kidding, darlings. But it is time to share a little more of my thinking on the important issues facing us, now that the children are keeping one another amused.

• Who will you invite to perform at your inauguration party?

Well, I would want to give a shout-out and a nice, lucrative gig to my band from the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa. Might as well start out on a good foot with our neighbors to the north. I could even sit in on a special inaugural number, assuming we can get the June Tailor Dancers. Then, a combination Barbara Streisand/Elton John performance would really get up the other candidates’ noses. Sweeet.

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?

I couldn’t care less about Al Gore. He’s a has-been if you ask me. And he’s inconvenient, too. As for this climate-change stuff, so long as I have my AC I’m not bothered if we end up with a few more days of sun in the Bahamas. In fact, if we’re going to war, why not invade THEM? At least it would be someplace US Americans, such as, with maps, would want to go.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?

Oh, definitely Donald Trump. Not only has he foisted lousy, egocentric television on us all for season after season, you just want to rip out that idiotic combover and tell his latest golddigger wife to keep the “girls” in their corral a little more discreetly. He’s a boil on the collective backside of America in more ways than one. I will actively pursue his participation on What Not To Wear in penance for his crimes against humanity. For six successive weeks.

• Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?

I've already made my position on Al Gore just crystal clear. But, no, I don’t think I can be bothered with that. I’ve always been secretly drawn to the whole “pirate” vibe – cutlasses, high boots, bodice-ripping. Besides, doesn’t that SAMPO stuff depend on Blat’s baseball cap? I wouldn’t touch that thing with a hazmat suit. Seriously. You don’t know where he’s been.

• Your opinion on magic underwear and feathers? Is it cheating? And, if you do use magic underwear…boxers, briefs or thongs?

Honey, come on. ALL underwear is magic. It’s when it comes off that the real fun begins.

• What about the impending RAPTURE?

What about it? Like I said, it means different things to different people. And I’m as different as they come. Aren’t you?

• And above all, what are your plans for those bad-ass Newshounds?

Even liberals obsessed with me aren’t beyond redemption and a little nookie. I’d invite them all to the Oval Office for a tiddlywinks tournament, a polka-fest, some mini-quiches and champagne, and then skinny-dipping in the White House pool. After an evening with me, politics will be the LAST thing on all your minds, darlings.

RAPTURE-READY RIGHTEOUS RALPH ENTERS THE FRAY!!

*fade in*

Commentator: “Welcome America to the Troll Party Primary Debate! Tonight looks to be an historic moment, as we discuss the platforms, strategies, and insanity of our three remaining Troll Party™ candidates. We’ve already heard from Candidates California Blat and Konservo, up next is the self proclaimed ‘America’s Greatest President in Waiting’ and the Prophet of Lephari, RALPH!”

*camera shot changes*

Ralph: “BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHHHAA!!!!!! *mumbles incoherently*”

“LIBTARDS! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE MOUNTAINS!!! I HAVE OOZED FROM THE SWAMPS!! I HAVE SIFTED FROM THE DESERTS! I BRING A MESSAGE OF RAPTURE FOR YOU!!!!”

*rumble of applause*

“YOU DECRIED AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT AND TURNED FROM THE FAITH! STARSHIP JAYZUS APPROACHES (August 27th ™) AND YOU STIL DO NOT HATE!!!! YOU DON’T HATE ISLAMOFASCISTS! YOU DON’T HATE THE EVIL PIAPS!!! YOU DON’T HATE HER BUMPITY DONUTS!!!”

*shocked silence*

“EVIL JELLY-FILLED, GLAZE COVERED ABOMINATIONS! ANAL INVADING CREAM OOZING SUCCUBI!!!!”

*stunned looks*

“YOU ARE FILLED WITH TROOP-HATE, AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT HATE, IRAQ WAR HATE, PENIS-HATE, MONKEY-HATE!!”

*beginning epiphany*

“IT IS TIME TO TAKE BACK YOUR RECTUMS FROM THE DEVILS THE LIKES OF CALIFORNIA BLAT, KONSERVO AND PIAPS!!!! BE OF GOOD CHEER, FOR I, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT IN WAITING ™, AM HERE!!!!!”


*standing ovation*

Commentator: “Yes, herm. The floor is open for questions to the candidate.”

Are the Candidates RAPTURE READY?

Crement Boffo asked the Candidates:

Is each of you RAPTURE READY ? If you are, who will serve your term of office in your absence ?

California Blat answers:

I hate to tell you this but I don’t believe in the RAPTURE. That’s Ralph’s shtick.

There’s a RALPHY who’s sure
That he’s bound for rapture.
And he’s buying a stairway to heaven.
But he’s wrong as can be
And before long he’ll see
That he’s stuck here forever with PIAPS.
Oooooh
And it makes me wonder.

Experience the Rapture here on this earth!
P.S. But if I do get Raptured - mind, I say if - then who else to take my place but Elvis? Yeah, I know you think he's dead; but we all know he's really managing a gas station in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, by the banks of the Mississippi.

Konservo's Kampaign Komments

The candidate speaks:

Welcome, you lovely people! Sorry I'm a little bit late. Andre was just showing me this lovely silk charmeuse number that I think will be perfect for the Inaugural Ball.

I'll just jump right in and answer some of the questions that have been posed to me by fans at Newshounds OT:

• What about that RALPH’s hairstyle?

Well, I think it works for him. It’s been like that since he stuck one finger in a live electrical socket and the other into the ice cube maker on his fridge. One of his defining moments. He SAW THE LIGHT! {{{giggles}}}

• Come to that, what’s with YOUR hair, dude?

Isn’t it fabulous? You’re going to be seeing a lot of this look in the general election. Konservo is the new “cool.” McCain is SO jealous!

• Look, you haven’t been very consistent. First you’re RALPH’s hanger-on, then you’re cross-dressing in Ottawa clubs, and then you’re back on the campaign trail in opposition. How can we TRUST in what a Konservo Presidency would bring?

Not consistent?! I’ve been perfectly consistent with what the voices in my head are telling me. And lately they’ve been saying that RALPH will be a disaster as President. His Rapture-talk used to inspire me until I figured out he was talking about right-wing religion instead of orgies. What will happen to his brilliant fictional vision if he actually wins the contest? Instead of all that delicious stuff going down in the Lincoln Bedroom, he’ll be in there for real with a bunch of balding, paunchy preachers, trying to see who can yell the loudest! You can TRUST me on that. I’ll be a hell of a lot more fun. The table dancing has only just begun.

• If you become President, how will you decorate the White House?

I’d like to bring a retro/Bohemian vibe to the place. Inflatables and beanbag chairs for Cabinet meetings and maybe some hammocks on the North Portico for visiting dignitaries. Beaded curtains and black light. Lava lamps. Yeah, that would be groovy.

• Are the rumours about your virginity true?

What have you heard, sweetheart? No, but, seriously. If you want someone – ahem! – “experienced,” I’m your choice. There’s no scandal I haven’t already participated in and put behind me. It would be hard to pin anything on MY tail! And don’t think it hasn't been tried...

Fire away, you beautiful people! I'll be back just as soon as I've freshened up a little...

An Opening Statement from California Blat

Oh they call me Blat
Come from Californ’
I’m gonna be President
Just as sure as you’re born
So you give me your vote
Leave old Ralphy alone
I’m the one you need
‘Cause I’m BLAT to the bone
I’m BLAT to the bone
B-b-b-b-b-b-BLAT
B-b-b-b-b-b-BLAT...
And now I'll answer some questions that a certain ET asked me particularly:
Pantsuits – fabulous, or manifest evil? Pick a side: we’re at war.
You’re at war; I love the world.

But seriously: better a woman in a pantsuit than a man in a dress.
I’m not the world’s most puritan bloke,
But when I see him prancing I just want to choke
That Konservo
Ko-ko-ko-Konservo
Ko-ko-ko-Konservo....

What role do you, as California Blat, foresee for your demoralized twin Campaign Blat in a Ralph/Blat White House?
There won’t be a Ralph/Blat White House.
But as for Campaign Blat, I sincerely pity him. It’s not his fault that I got all the magic as well as the brains and talent, during that whatever-it-was in Smallville. And RALPH has destroyed what little brain he had left. I would go talk to him and show him the love and tenderness that poor lost soul deserves - except I don’t want his negativity to rub off on me.

What about the Iraq "surge? Are payments to insurgents professionalism and "good business?
Depends what you’re paying them for. I will pay insurgents only if:
- they make good kebabs
- they’ll teach me how to sing "Heartbreak Hotel" in Arabic
- they’ll teach my Rottweilers how to belly dance
- they actually hit me when they shoot at me. (NOTE from Hiram: CB is too moddist to say it but, you see, bullets don’t do him no hurt. Even them Impervised Exploding Thangs can’t harm him - they jist tickle him a bit.)

Will you institute a system of love points" for Congress and the Cabinet?
Oh absolutely. I plan to completely change the adversarial natural of party politics. Every morning before meetings begin, all Congressmen will have to join hands and sing "The Barney Song." There will be "hug breaks" every two hours. Anyone who won’t agree to love their fellow decision makers unconditionally will be forced to work 12-hour days at minimum wage like every other American.

Newshounds: assholes, wretched assholes, or the most wretched assholes of all time?
Of course they’re assholes; if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be Newshounds. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being an asshole. Some of my best friends are assholes. Some people have even told me I’m one myself.

They’re not the most wretched of all time though. There are at least two people in the world who are more wretched. I won’t say their names but one begins with "R" and the other begins with "K". But I love them anyway. I love the world!
VOTE FOR ME!!!!

Derision 2008 - The Troll Party Town Hall Debate


Welcome! The floor opens for your questions in approximately ten minutes.

Monday, March 31, 2008

REMINDER: TROLL PARTY TOWN HALL TOMORROW, APRIL 1!!

If you have not yet done so, there is still time to submit questions for RALPH, Konservo and California Blat to answer during what may be the Troll Party's only Town Hall Debate of the campaign season! Even now, feverish preparations are afoot at the Fux News temporary auditorium in Yantis, Texas, where all three candidates will take the stage on Tuesday. Watch this blog for transcripts, podcasts and video of the landmark event and, of course, feel free to submit your questions below.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Inside California Blat: The Manic Mage of the Mojave

California Blat is a hero of the road.
He’s totally out of his tree.
He rides the desert in his pickup truck
And he’s a Presidential wannabee (poor boy),
A crazy Presidential wannabee.

As the Troll Party Candidates’ Debate draws near, we bring you a profile of the most enigmatic character in the race - the legendary Hippie Outlaw Magic-Man of the Desert, California Blat.

Those who knew him, back when he was just plain Blat, would never have believed he’d turn out the way he did. Blat often made wild claims about his parentage: for example, that he'd been found in the hold of a trading ship just arrived in New York Harbor from Samarkand (easily disproved since Samarkand is about 1,000 miles from the nearest ocean); or that he’d been born on a 12-foot sailboat in a storm off Cape Horn; or that a European noblewoman had left him on a convent doorstep with a note saying "Be kind to my precious child and see that he never grows up to be a vitamin salesman."

In reality, he was born into a family of accounting clerks and copy-paper salesmen in Hammond, Indiana. In his teens he spent most of his spare time reading books like Think and Grow Rich but there’s no record of his ever actually having done either. He did become a vitamin salesman in spite of his mother's plea. But he was not a very successful one; he was always complaining about "the rat race" and bragging how he could do better if only this horrible screwed-up society would let him. According to one of his customers, Kestrel Fire-Spirit who manages Fire-Spirit’s Holistic Emporium, "I could sense his bitter, negative aura a mile away. It always made me want to curl up into a ball and lick my toes like a kitten."

It was while on his sales rounds that he met RALPH, who was just putting a copy of The Morning After on his windshield. Their first conversation started rather inauspiciously, with Blat shouting, "Get the fuck away from my car!" But it ended at the nearest bar, and a few days later, it resulted in Blat joining RALPH’s campaign as his hand-picked Vice-Presidential appointee.

It didn’t take long for Blat to become disillusioned again. When RALPH went on a speaking tour, the VP-designate took off on his own and hit the road, being was arrested for wandering through restricted parts of the White House and thrown out of a nightclub in Nashville on the way. Brought to heel at last, he appeared doomed to a life driving RALPH’s campaign van and picking up his dry cleaning.

But early last August, while RALPH was speaking at a campaign stop at an industrial facility in Smallville, Kansas, an explosion splattered the air with color and, in Blat’s own words, " in the confusion I could for a moment have sworn that I saw a carbon copy of myself, fleeing the scene in horror and looking, if I may say so, downright liberal!"

The rest, as they say, is history. California Blat surfaced in LA very soon after, preaching love for all the world, and quickly became a hero in the deserts of the Southwest for rescuing strangers in distress. Alarmed at his defection, RALPH sent the Moment-Men to nail him, but they wound up becoming his devoted disciples.

California Blat’s advantages are obvious. He has a magic baseball cap that dispenses $$$, which could probably save the economy single-handed. He has been seen to teach Rottweilers to line-dance, turn himself into a vulture, and stand in a hail of machine-gun fire without getting a scratch. If he has nothing to say, he can take out his National guitar and sing.

Beyond that, though, we don’t know what his position is on key issues. When a reporter asked him about his policies recently, he merely took out his guitar and sang (to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel"):

I haven’t got positions
Don’t care for all that stuff.
I only know I love the world
And that should be enough,
Cause I’m a mighty hero,
(A mighty hero)
And RALPH is just a zero,
Yes he is.

Maybe the upcoming debate would be a good opportunity to find out what (or if) he really thinks.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

COMING APRIL 1 - THE TROLL PARTY TOWN HALL DEBATE!!!

The Troll Party organizers have done the impossible! We’ve gotten RALPH, Konservo and California Blat to agree to answer YOUR questions and, we hope, DEBATE one another VIGOROUSLY on the issues!

On the evening of Tuesday, April 1, the Candidates will answer YOUR questions on any topic you choose to ask them about:
• war in the Middle East
• the environment
• doughnut bumping
• American Idol
• the meaning of life
• favorite toilet cleaners...

You name it, they'll debate it! No subject is off limits!

If you want to submit questions in advance to give the Candidates time to think (they need a LOT of time for that, you know), you can post them in the Comments section of this post, or on Newshounds Off-Topic Forum.

More details and logistical stuff to follow. Just stay tuned!

Will RALPH go orgasmic if he hears the word “pantsuit”?
Will Konservo give us a preview of his new Cher tribute show?
Will California Blat bring his seven line-dancing Rottweilers?

Join us on April 1 and find out!

`*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•..•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°`*’
RALPH ... KONSERVO ... CALIFORNIA BLAT!
LUNATIC CANDIDATES FOR A CRAZY WORLD!
They debate.... you decide! .
•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”`.•°*”``”*°•.`”*°•.`”*°•. ”*°•.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Ad Wars Kick It Up a Notch - RALPH Answers the Phone

Reportedly outraged at Konservo's recent accusatory ad proclaiming him a "sissy" and "donut-bumper" for refusing to meet his former associate in debate, RALPH and his campaign today fired back with a new campaign advertisement outlining the value of his experience in...well, whatever RALPH is actually experienced in.



Whether it was Campaign Blat or California Blat referenced in the ad remains unclear. The Sonny Brothers, speaking for Team RALPH, declined to comment, Sonny White declaring that the advertisement "speaks for itself."

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Barack of the Antarctic; RALPH's Ministry to Obama Continues

We thought RALPH would be heading for Pennsylvania, where Konservo is trying to needle him into a debate. Instead, the Morning After Road Show has taken an unexpected detour into Illinois. It was part of the Candidate's ongoing ministry to Senator Barack Obama, as was the following dramatization which took place this morning at a Holiness Fire Church just south of Springfield.

Sound of howling wind. Curtain rises on a rude log shack, with board walls, a few rough chairs, a gun-metal stove, and, incongruously, a big-screen TV. Through a window we can see mountains of ice. BARACK OBAMA (played by Ezekiel Zacharias, who has played Ann Coulter in previous episodes) sits on a rough wooden chair, wearing a parka with a fur hood. There are two husky dogs at his feet.

OBAMA (smiling a big phony smile): Hello everyone, and welcome to the latest installment of “Survivor: Antarctic Candidate,” the ultimate reality show that pits former Presidential candidates against one another and the savage Last Continent. I’m here with two of my huskies, Truffles and Caviar. John McCain wanted to be with us today, but he’s still nursing Mitt Romney after that sea lion attack. The sucker jumped right up out of the water and started chasing Mitt across an ice floe. I thought all seals did was swim. Today my pups and I will have a wonderful day. We’re going to go for a sled ride! Aren't you happy, girl? (Makes to pat Caviar, who snarls and tries to snap at his hand.)

Oh dear, we’re cross today. (Lowers his voice). And let me tell you something in confidence. I’m pretty cross myself. This place is a bitch. Sometimes, as I lie in my bunk listening to the wind howl and the ice crack, I think to myself, Barack, you should have listened to RALPH. He kept trying to tell you, with those phone calls and tracts and blog posts. He warned you to become Rapture Ready or you’d be spending the rest of your life, and all eternity, with You Know Who. But did I believe him? No! I thought he was a nutcase. I wanted too much to be President. And now where am I! Exiled to Antarctica, me and the man-eating sea lions.

The TV set suddenly switches itself on, revealing TARYN standing completely naked, holding a cucumber. The audience cheers.

TARYN: Hey, dude! None of that attitude! You are not an exile, remember; you’re an enthusiastic participant in a blockbuster reality-TV series.

OBAMA: Yes, that’s what PIAPS has told me to say. But let me tell you...

TARYN: No, let me tell you. There's a plane waiting on a runway in Christchurch, New Zealand. You know what’s on it. Real caviar and truffles. Filet mignon. Cognac. New hi-tech winter clothes. A box full of DVDs. If you're good, and stick to the script, we’ll give the word and that plane will take off, right to your door. But if you keep on with this attitude stuff... well, we’ll have to have another Elimination Challenge, and maybe what happened to Ron Paul will happen to you.

OBAMA (gulps) No - uh - no elimination challenges, thanks.

TARYN: Thought you’d agree. Now stop bitching and get back to playing the game. With verve and zest. I don't want to have to warn you again. I had to leave the Lincoln Bedroom to come speak to you, and there's an amazing party going on there and I really want to get back to it. If you make me come back and check on you again, I won’t be happy. (The TV switches off.)

OBAMA (sighing). Well, my furry friends, I guess we’d better go hunting. And don’t worry, we won't be out long and I won’t take you anywhere near that crevasse. (Exit OBAMA with dogs.)

Enter RALPH.

RALPH: TAKE HEED OF THIS MESSAGE, SENATOR OBAMA! YOU WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT - ALL YOU’LL EVER BE IS A WALKING TARGET!!!!

EMBRACE THE RAPTURE!!! CAREFULLY REVIEW THE MATERIALS SENT TO YOU, ESPECIALLY THE MORNING AFTER !!!! SHARE IT WITH YOUR STAFF!!!! CALL THE CONFIDENTIAL AMERICAPHILE PRAYER COUNSELING NUMBER FOR ONE-ON-ONE WITNESSING AND MINISTRY!!!! FIND A VOTER REGISTRATION FORM AT YOUR OFFICE AND TO CHANGE YOUR PARTY AFFILIATION TO THE PRO-AMERICAN G.O.P.!!!!

SENATOR, PLEASE DON'T GO WITH THE FLOE; GO WITH THE RAPTURE!!! YOU WILL BE FEASTING IN PARADISE WHILE AMERICA GROVELS UNDER THE HEEL OF SKANKY, CARPET-MUNCHING PIAPS!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

We have no word from Senator Obama’s office on whether he intends to follow RALPH’s counsel - or join the march of the penguins.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Konservo Surges With a Hard-Hitting Ad in Pennsylvania

Desperate to make his mark on the Troll Party campaign, in the face of Ralph's popularity surge thanks to the traveling show of "The Morning After" and California Blat's undeniable populist appeal given his magical baseball cap's largesse, KONSERVO - largely shedding his cross-dressing mantle in order to challenge Ralph's lead in the polls - is hitting back hard with a new campaign video.


video

While Konservo could not be reached for comment on this latest salvo in the increasingly acrimonious Troll Party campaign, the following comments were recorded from rival campaigners.

McCain: "Who's this young feller anyway? What about the Spanish? Have we ceded Arizona?"
Obama: "I prefer to discuss the way forward, not the way backward."
Clinton: "Do you want the Troll Party answering the phone at 3 AM?"
Ralph: "PIAPS! Pantsuit! Pantsuit! Pantsuit! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Konservo, meanwhile, is reported to be organizing street theatre in Pittsburgh over the coming weeks.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Yes, the RALPHTURE is still coming!!!

"If Senator Clinton does not win the Democratic Primary does that mean the Apocalypse will be called off or just delayed?" asked the Roachman the other day.

It’s a question that many RALPH watchers are starting to ask: what will happen to our candidate if the Obama juggernaut continues? RALPH bases his whole campaign on the assumption that Clinton will win handily, thus ushering in the End Times - which he himself will miss because he’ll have been Raptured by then. But if Obama wins the nomination, does that mean no End Times? No Rapture? RALPH is stuck on this earth for another who knows how long?

He hinted at the answer to that question earlier this month. The other day he and his Bedlam Buddies, in their latest installment of the dramatized Morning After (presented at the Holy Rapture Tabernacle in Southeast Wazoo Junction, Texas), hinted at it again.

Scene: a psychiatrist’s office. PIAPS is lying on the couch. DR. FERNSEHER, in a rumpled suit and a long beard, is sitting in a chair beside her, taking notes.

DOCTOR: But you have no reason to feel this way. You have everything you ever dreamed of. You are the President of the United States. You have unlimited power. You’ve won Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity to your side. You’re sending your enemies the Rapture Christians to re-education camps by the trainload. (Boos from the audience). And the Lincoln Bedroom is full of nubile young ladies ready to kick off their Speedos at the crook of your finger. Sweaty moaning ecstasies all night long! Bumping of doughnuts until there is nothing left of them but a few crumbs and some congealed Boston creme! Tattooed breasts heaving -
PIAPS: Yes, Doctor, I take your point. Please wipe the drool off your mouth. I know I have everything I ever wanted, but, as Shakespeare said, "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown."
DOCTOR: Is there anything particular that makes you uneasy?
PIAPS: There are no listening devices in the room?
DOCTOR: Oh no, Ms. President, nothing like that!
PIAPS: Don’t take notes on this. That’s an executive order.
DOCTOR: (rips his notes into little pieces and stuffs them in his mouth) Mmmf. Go ahhdd.
PIAPS: I can hardly bear to admit it, Doctor, but - I’m afraid of RALPH.

DOCTOR chokes, and spews pieces of paper all over the floor.

PIAPS: Yes, it sounds bizarre, I know. But remember last August, when we got that telegram from Barack Obama? The one where he said he’d rather be an Antarctic explorer than the President, and was gone to McMurdo Sound to seek the meaning of life?
DOCTOR: How can we ever forget that? It dismayed the whole nation.
PIAPS: That telegram has been haunting me ever since.
DOCTOR: How so it has been haunting you?
PIAPS (wringing her hands): Because - I - no, I can’t say it. But RALPH ... he’s the only one in America who might have guessed...
DOCTOR (leaning forward and drooling again) Guessed what? (Silence). I said, WHAT!? (More silence. DOCTOR leaps from his chair.) SPIT IT OUT, PIAPS, YOU SKANKY BUNNY-BOILING, CARPET-MUNCHING, OSAMA-KISSING VAGITARIAN DEMLIB BITCH! YOU ARE EXPOSED!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
PIAPS (leaping to her feet): Oh no! It was you all the time! But you haven’t gotten anything out of me yet! And you never will! The Newshounds of the Caribbean are outside! They’ll feed you to the sharks!
RALPH: THE RAPTURE IS NOT CANCELLED!!! THE RAPTURE IS COMING!!!! DON’T BELIEVE THOSE JIHADIST LIBTARD NEWSHOUNDS!!! IT’S NOT PIAPS WHO DECIDES THESE THINGS BUT SOMEONE MUCH GREATER!!!!! THE RAPTURE IS COMING!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Curtain falls as RALPH continues to laugh maniacally.

This scene got a tremendous reception in Southeast Wazoo Junction. However, down in the West Texas town of El Paso, people are flocking to California Blat rallies (they particularly love the seven Rottweilers, whom he’s trained to line-dance while he sings "Walk this Way"), and RALPH is barely a blip on the political horizon.

A new poll coming out shortly may help us gauge Americans’ reaction to RALPH’s message, in light of the changing political situation.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Super Duper RALPH!

Super Tuesday and the primaries that followed were indeed Super for RALPH. He took the majority of states. Only in Louisiana did Konservo post a victory. California and Arizona went solidly to California Blat, even though he’s still an undeclared candidate; as did Tennessee and Georgia, where the Moment-Men campaigned vigorously on his behalf. (New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts don't count as there are no trolls in those states.)

RALPH's main drawing card continues to be the Zacharias family's dramatization of his magnum opus, The Morning After. Here is a faithful transcript of a performance that took place somewhere in Oklahoma:

An upstairs sitting room in the White House. Late in the evening of the same day as the previous scenes. A small table, two easy-chairs and a big-screen TV (actually a large cardboard frame with a curtain drawn over it.) PIAPS and JANET RENO are sitting in the easy chairs with their feet up, sipping wine.

PIAPS: Boy, I’m glad that peace-treaty dinner’s over. Osama has to be the world’s biggest bore. Does he ever talk about anything but jihad? And I wish he’d shampoo that beard at least once in a year.
RENO: But at least you have put an end to war with him.
PIAPS: True. And signed a trade treaty too. Once I’ve legalized opium, we can flood the country with Afghanistan’s number one export product and keep Americans smiling and happy.
RENO: And best of all - you don’t have to spend all that money on the war effort.
PIAPS: You know what the worst part of the evening was? Missing the O’Reilly Factor. I was dying to see how well my experiment went. Pour me another glass; I’m going to watch the tape right now.

She picks up a remote control and flicks it. The curtain on the TV draws back, revealing BILL O’REILLY and ANN COULTER (played by Ezekiel Zacharias). COULTER is wearing a low-cut black dress with a large cross around her neck.

O’REILLY: Welcome to the Factor. I’d like to welcome Ann Coulter back to my show tonight. Ann, why are you wearing that godawful black dress?
COULTER: It should be obvious. I’m in mourning for the death of America, and all it stands for.
O’REILLY: Completely hypocritical - wearing a cross along with that tight little dress. But that’s typical for a floozy like you. I don’t know why I keep having you on my show. Go on, talk.
COULTER: Clinton’s victory is the triumph of everything you and I hate...
O’REILLY: Speak for yourself, lady. Clinton’s victory is the best thing that ever happened to America. Only idiots like you don’t realize that.
COULTER: WHAT!? What in God’s name have you been drinking?
O’REILLY: Look, President Clinton is the savior of this country. She’s already brought us peace by signing that treaty with Bin Laden; she’s outlawed all churches and thus saved America from sectarian violence; and she’s going to give global warming and gay rights and gun control the attention they deserve. I’m surprised at you, trashing her like that after swearing you’d vote for her.
COULTER: I never did! What’s come over you?
O’REILLY: You’re just too full of hate, you right-wing mattress-warmer. AMERICA-HATE, DEMOCRAT-HATE, SOCIAL-JUSTICE-HATE, INCLUSIVENESS-HATE, PUBLIC-RADIO-HATE, NEWSHOUNDS-HATE, ONE-WORLD-HATE, PAUL-KRUGMAN-HATE, NORWAY-HATE, PEACE-HATE, BRING-THE-TROOPS-HOME-HATE, UNIVERSAL-HEALTH-CARE-HATE, ENVIRONMENTAL-RESPONSIBILITY-HATE, AL-GORE-HATE, ROSIE-O’DONNELL-HATE, SAME-SEX-MARRIAGE-HATE, UNITED-NATIONS-HATE, SANITY-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!
COULTER: Look here, you -
O’REILLY: Just shut up! I mean it, just SHUT UP! Cut her mike! CUT HER MIKE!!!

COULTER rises and lunges for O’REILLY’s throat; but two pirates elbow onto the screen and drag her away, screaming and kicking.

O’REILLY: Whew. Thanks, Newshounds of the Caribbean; the air smells a lot cleaner now. Stay tuned for my next guest - the Prime Minister of Canada, Mr. Rick Mercer, who is looking forward to exporting his country’s brand of health-care to the US.

The curtain is drawn over the TV. PIAPS and RENO high-five one another.

PIAPS: It’s wonderful! Better than I dreamed! Oh, Janet, I’ve never been so happy. I’ll take the peace dividend and spend it on re-programming! If I can do it to Bill O’Reilly I can do it to the whole world!

Curtain falls. RALPH comes out on stage and gives rant about how only he can save America from this scenario.

Rumor has it that RALPH will soon hold a press conference to discuss his platform, his amazing comeback, and the threat from California Blat. It’s rumored that he will be joined by young Zipporah Zacharias, who plays Clinton’s topless aide Taryn in the dramatizations. THAT ought to bring the reporters out!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Konservo Lagging in Polls as Super Tuesday Dawns

With the surprising success of Ralph's Screaming Glory Tour of The Morning After, as well as a groundswell of support for California Blat in the heartland states, Konservo - once the cross-dressing darling of the Troll Party, poised to wrest the nomination from Ralph's grasp - heads into Super Tuesday at a serious disadvantage. This blogger caught up with the candidate at a combination town hall and karaoke night in Galesburg, Illinois.

The crowd at Showgirls, perhaps dismayed that the usual "Monday Madness" pole dancing night had been interrupted for "polls" of another kind, showed little receptivity to Konservo's campaign platform despite his stunning red sequinned taffeta sheath dress and dramatic up-do. The audience was relatively placid through the candidate's opening rendition of "Born in a Trunk":

I was born in a trunk
At a Troll Campaign stop in Pocatello, Idaho;
It was during the stump speech on a Tuesday
And they swaddled me right up in that day’s Newsday.
When I first saw the light, it was red and angry
Coming from the temperamental crowd;
And when Reagan carried me out to say hello
They told me that I stopped the show.

So I grew up in a crazy world
Of smoky rooms and back-door rooms,
And rooms for snooping ’round behind the scenes.
And I can't forget the endless strings
Of Rovian plots and Yakki’s knots,
And nights without a condom in my jeans…

But it's all in the game and the way you play it
And you've got to play the game, you know,
When you're born in a trunk at a Troll Campaign stop
in Pocatello, Idaho.

Once Konservo began discussing his campaign platform, including such reasonable proposals as off-price designer outlets being within reasonable public transit distances for every American and the summary banning of overalls, the crowd became, as they say, restless. Boos and catcalls met his bold proposition that funding for faith-based initiatives instead be diverted to a new agency built around the principle of Fabulous-Based Funding, which would provide government grants to failed American Idol contestants who failed to advance despite broad popular backing from the viewers.

By the time Konservo got down to health care, foreign policy, infrastructure and government corruption, a faction of the audience was counter-chanting in support of Ralph, to the tune of "Waltzing Matilda":

Bump us some doughnuts, if you have the nuts,
But you've got no nuts, you sorry fair-eee,
So we'll sneer and we'll laugh
As our Ralphie wipes you off the map,
Then you'll be bumping your doughnuts for free!

Red-faced, Konservo stomped offstage at this taunt, in the process ignoring completely the one sober occupant of Showgirls, whose legitimate question regarding climate change went unheeded thanks to the swift, emotional exit.

On a nationwide scale, Konservo's position has fared little better. Campaign insiders say that Konservo had high hopes for an approval "bump" thanks to his recent appearance as a guest on Bravo's fourth season of Project Runway, where a competition late in the challenge was geared around designing him a truly devastating gown for the Troll Party Convention on April 1.

Sadly, the gambit backfired as even the talented remaining designers scrambled to outfit the candidate appropriately. "It's completely NOT what I do," observed Christian; while SweetP commented "If I don't really do menswear, it kind of goes without saying that I don't do womenswear for men! Geez!" The only designer who welcomed the challenge was Chris, who immediately set about prepping an enormous hat which would both complement Konservo's distinctive facial makeup and illustrate his equally distinctive campaign journey. Even Heidi Klum had praise for his miniature rendition of the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa - Konservo's springboard to global attention - and pronounced the designer's work in the challenge not just appropriate, but "wunderbar."

Spokespeople for the Konservo campaign were not responding to press queries as the entourage boarded their VW Westphalia to make for their regional headquarters at the Heart O'Chicago Motel to await the following day's returns.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Screaming Glory Show Takes Florida!!!

RALPH the Comeback Kid is continuing to increase his lead over Konservo in the primaries. Our favorite cabaret queen did well in places like Palm Beach, but RALPH took the rest of the state handily.

Much of the credit, of course, has to go to his partnership with Bedlam Tom and the Screaming Glory Players, whose dramatizations of The Morning After continue to pack in audiences. Here is a transcript of one that took place Sunday evening in a church basement somewhere along the St. Johns River:

Scene: the Womyn’s Sweat Lodge. TARYN and JANET RENO are cuddling under a blanket. Their shoulders are bare, so presumably the rest of them is too.

TARYN: Janet, that was wonderful!
RENO (coyly): So - am I better than the President?
TARYN: well - ah - ahem! You each have your own unique - ahem!
RENO: Don’t worry about offending us. Jealousy is an outdated construct in this post-Apocalyptic world, just like God, family and property. Everything is shared now, including love.

PIAPS enters, without knocking, in leather Speedo, sleeveless leather vest, black fishnet thigh-highs and six-inch black heels. She is holding a double leash in one hand and carrying a whip in the other. TARYN and RENO sit abruptly upright, letting the blanket fall. Cheers and hoots from the congregation.

PIAPS (in high spirits) Oh, there you are! I thought I’d find you here. Well, my dears, it was a challenge, but I did it! And I’m so proud! I just have to show you. (Cracks whip in the air and tugs leash). All right, boys - come in. Now!
Enter SEAN HANNITY AND BILL O’REILLY, wearing studded dog-collars, one on each leash. They stumble as if sleepwalking, and their eyes are vacant.

PIAPS: Now, boys. I want you to tell my senior advisors exactly what you learned under my tutelage.
Brief silence. They fidget and stare at the floor.
PIAPS: NOW!!! (cracks whip harder.)
HANNITY (mechanically): Praise to PIA- (crack of the whip) I mean President Clinton.
O’REILLY (mechanically): She has saved the world.
HANNITY(ditto) : May she live forever!
O’REILLY (ditto): We love the ground she walks on!
RENO: My God, Hill, you’re amazing! I didn’t think you could do it!
TARYN: What will happen to them now?
PIAPS: That’s the brilliant part of my plan. I’m going to send them back to Fox News, to their old jobs. They’ll host their shows every night, same as before; but now they’ll tell their viewers what I want them to hear.
HANNITY: Let all America bow low before her!
O’REILLY: Blessed be Allah for sending her to us!
TARYN: But - Ms. President - that’s not what people are used to hearing them say. Won’t they suspect anything?
RENO (laughing): Taryn, sweetie, you are so naive. You’re assuming that right-wingers have brains.
PIAPS: When in fact nothing could be further from the truth. The right will believe anything these men say, without questioning it. So if they tell America I should be worshipped - millions of viewers will believe it automatically. I’ll have brought my enemies under my control, with a minimum of effort.
TARYN: That is brilliant, Ms. President!
PIAPS (modestly): I’m glad you agree. Now, boys, turn around and go outside. I’m going to stay here for a while. But behave yourselves. I’ve hired the Newshounds of the Caribbean to keep a watch on you, and if you aren’t good little boys - well, Captain Elijah Ballkicker has lots of rope. Do you understand me?
O’REILLY (shuddering): We will never disobey your wishes, O Glorious One. (They stumble out.)
PIAPS: Oooh. Now I’m really in the mood. (Kicks off her shoes, and begins to strip off her stockings.)
TARYN: You can’t stay here too long, Ms. President. You have the post-peace-treaty dinner party with Osama Bin Laden tonight.
PIAPS: Oh, Sammy can wait. But I can’t. (As she begins to remove her vest, the curtain falls. Thunderous applause. Cries of “Rapture! RAPTURE!”)

How can Konservo ever compete with that?

Saturday, January 26, 2008

The Comeback Kid!

After two months of inactivity, RALPH is back on the campaign trail with a vengeance! He took South Carolina away from Konservo by a wide margin, and despite some aggressive nightclub-stumping by his rival, RALPH looks set to take Florida as well.

A lot of the credit goes to Rev. Thomas P. Zacharias and his family. Their dramatizations of The Morning After which are packing in audiences. Here's a sample of what people saw in South Carolina this week:

TARYN, clad only in Speedo and Doc Martens, is standing alone on stage with a tense look on her face. Enter JANET RENO (played by Rev. Tom’s sister, Rebekah McNish).

RENO: Is the interrogation still going on?
TARYN: Yes. It’s been ages, too. My God, how can they hold out so long?
RENO: They're tough; but the President is tougher.
PIAPS (offstage): All right, you snivelling wingnuts, I am going to give you one more chance. For the last time: Where is the printout of Americaphile?
HANNITY (offstage) Do your worst, Clintoon; we’ll never tell you a thing.
O’REILLY (offstage) There are at least two people in this room who love America, you secular progressive, you!*
TARYN: I never expected them to be that strong.
RENO: Well, we knew they would be difficult to break.
PIAPS (offstage): Very well. I didn’t want to do this, but since you’re so obstinate I have no other choice. Igor... bring out the Box.

(Dead silence. TARYN and RENO both gasp in horror.)

IGOR (offstage): No, Ms. President.. Not ... the Box!
PIAPS (offstage): you heard what I said, Igor. Bring out the Box. All right. Where shall I begin? (Sound of rattling and rummaging). Oh, I think I’ll start with this one here. Igor, put this in the VCR. All right, Foxy boys - you asked for it.

(Whirring noises; then the voice of Rosie O’Donnell fills the air. Horrible screams off stage.)

O’REILLY: Cut her mike! CUT HER MIKE!!!!
HANNITY: You ruthless, heartless bitch! Is there no limit to your cruelty?
PIAPS: I told you I’d stop at nothing to learn the truth.
(More screams)
TARYN: Oh, my God, I can’t stand it!
RENO: They won’t last long now. Soon it will be over and Americaphile will be no more - and then will be helpless against us (chuckles). Why don’t you go to the sweat lodge and relax? Come to think of it, why don’t we both go to the sweat lodge and relax? (They exit with their arms around each other.)

The audience left the rally bubbling with enthusiasm.This blogger overheard repeated comments like, "I wonder if Sean and Bill will break," and "You don't see anything like that at Romney's rallies," and "I wouldn't mind an hour in a sweat lodge with that Speedo gal."

"Great to see him getting back on his game," said commentator VermontDave. "Though I'm a California Blat man myself."

Stay tuned for Florida and Super Duper Tuesday!

*Hannity is played by Micah Zacharias; O'Reilly by Rebekah's husband Elihu McNish.

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Legend of You Know Who; Or, What REALLY Happened in Nevada

You’ll probably never read this story in the mainstream media, but dozens of people swear it’s true. Kate Stone has been busy collecting eyewitness reports, and this is what she believes took place:

Caucus day in Las Vegas dawned sunny and bright; but there was no sunshine on the face of Roger Constantine. He stood on the roof of the Plaza Hotel and Casino, looking down on the busy street below, muttering a prayer as he dashed a tear from his eye.

“What do you think you’re doing? ” said a voice behind him. Roger looked around to see a man in jeans, baseball cap and flak jacket standing behind him, heavily tattooed bare arms crossed over his chest. “If it’s what I think you’re doing - well, you’re not doing it. I’m not going to let you.”

“Why not?” asked Roger despondently. “I have nothing left to live for. I’ve gambled it all away. I’ve lost my home, my job, my family. I’m $300,000 in debt. I wish I had never seen a slot machine; at least now I won’t see them any more. Goodbye.” He stepped toward the edge of the roof but suddenly froze in mid-stride.

“Now you are in my power,” said the stranger. “And you will do what I tell you to. You will climb down from this roof and go out into the street. See that red, white and blue GMC Sierra down there, with I’M AN AMERICAN HERO painted on the side? You are going to climb into the cab and wait for me. Don’t worry about the seven Rottweilers. They won’t hurt you - not unless you try to get out of the truck before I say so. You agree?”

“Yes,” said Roger vaguely. Then, stumbling like a sleepwalker, he dragged himself away from the edge of the roof and toward the open trapdoor.

A few minutes later, a tattooed stranger in baseball cap and flak jacket entered the casino. He went to one slot machine and emptied it. He went to another slot machine and emptied it. He emptied a whole row of slot machines, then headed for the blackjack tables. By this time he’d attracted an astonished and admiring crowd.

“Hey, I know who that is!” said a white-haired woman who happened to hail from Flagstaff, Arizona. “It’s CALIFORNIA BLAT!” Loud gasps of amazement; then cheers.

An hour later, California Blat (for that is indeed who it was) came back out to the truck. “Here you go,” he said, handing Roger a check. “I’ve paid off all your debts, and here’s $50,000 extra to help you start over. I will put a charm upon you to remove your urge to gamble; slots and casinos will never attract you again. Now go, and begin anew!

As Roger fell down on his knees in the street, weeping and kissing the stranger’s dusty hiking boots, the crowd cheered and cheered and cheered.

“It’s nothing,” said their hero. “It’s all in a day’s work for California Blat.”

But the people were already running en masse to the nearest Nevada Caucus precincts. And when all the ballots were counted, California Blat had 21,722 votes - almost as many as Mitt Romney.

But Blat said, “Please don’t count those votes. I’m grateful that you love me as much as I love you; but I am not a candidate. I don’t really want to be president.


I want to roam the desert
In my pickup truck
Helping all the people who
Are down upon their luck,

I’d rather be a hero,
(A mighty hero),
And not a big fat zero
Just like RALPH.”

Then he got into his truck and roared away. And no one ever reported the story in the media.

“He’s a idiot,” commented Moment-Man Eustace Whazzup. “I'd run after him if I could but I still cain't walk too good. He's gotta come back. He's gotta run for President. I mean, who else is there? That Kon-pervo character? I betcha anything CB’ll change his mind if’n we git enough people beggin’ him.”