Monday, April 14, 2008
RALPH Blasts McCain Campaign Over "Donut Moment," Claims Clinton Complicit!
Off the beaten path but still on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania, RALPH today issued a blistering statement against presumptive Republican candidate John McCain. Speaking from the hood of a 1999 Pontiac Bonneville at Woy Brothers auto dealership in Somerset, the Troll Party frontrunner accused McCain of conspiring with Democratic rival Senator Hillary Clinton in what one onlooker describes as a "heckuva weird speaking style."
The source of RALPH's ire? It was reported today that, following the candidate's remarks at the annual meeting of the Associated Press, the moderator presented him with his "favorite treat"...half a dozen Dunkin' Donuts. With sprinkles.
"McCAIN HAS SUCCUMBED TO THE LURE OF P.I.A.P.S. AND HER DONUTS OF DOOM!" thundered RALPH. "SHE HAS TURNED THE ASSOCIATED PRESS MODERATOR INTO A PUSHER, HOOKING McCAIN ON HER SUGARY PERVERSITY! BEWARE THE SPRINKLES, SENATOR, OR YOU RISK MISSING THE RAPTURE AND SPENDING ALL OF ETERNITY WITH P.I.A.P.S.!!!! BWAHHHHHH!"
RALPH was unable to take questions from the audience, due to the rapid approach of Used Car Manager Sam Bandanna, heard to yell "Get the $%*# off that %#$(%ing car NOW, you *@%# lunatic! That's this week's Featured Vehicle!" RALPH's response was to slide down the Sand Beige hood and sprint for the road and his waiting van.
"SAVE YOURSELVES!" he screeched as campaign staffer Sonny Black peeled out into traffic on Highway 985 North. "DON'T VOTE FOR THAT SKANKY DONUT-PUSHER!! REMEMBER...WITHOUT PA THERE IS NO P.I.A.P.S.!!!!"
Befuddled locals pondered this statement, wondering whether RALPH meant the result would then be PIS, IPS, SIP, ISP, or PSI. The impromptu caucus then dispersed as Sam desperately tried to interest any of them in a black 1997 Grand Am.
In other Troll Party news, California Blat spent the weekend participating in a bowl-a-thon at Idle Hour Bowling Lanes (motto, "? Family Fun Center ?") in Scranton, earning $53.75 in charity pledges - matched penny for penny by his baseball cap - for his superhuman ability to convert 7-10 splits. Konservo danced the night away at Woody's Bar in Philly, vowing over his sixth $3 frozen margarita to be back this evening for karaoke night. And one unconfirmed report placed Campaign Blat picketing GNC headquarters in Pittsburgh and attempting to sign up employees going off-shift as Eniva affiliates.