Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Konservo's Kampaign Komments

The candidate speaks:

Welcome, you lovely people! Sorry I'm a little bit late. Andre was just showing me this lovely silk charmeuse number that I think will be perfect for the Inaugural Ball.

I'll just jump right in and answer some of the questions that have been posed to me by fans at Newshounds OT:

• What about that RALPH’s hairstyle?

Well, I think it works for him. It’s been like that since he stuck one finger in a live electrical socket and the other into the ice cube maker on his fridge. One of his defining moments. He SAW THE LIGHT! {{{giggles}}}

• Come to that, what’s with YOUR hair, dude?

Isn’t it fabulous? You’re going to be seeing a lot of this look in the general election. Konservo is the new “cool.” McCain is SO jealous!

• Look, you haven’t been very consistent. First you’re RALPH’s hanger-on, then you’re cross-dressing in Ottawa clubs, and then you’re back on the campaign trail in opposition. How can we TRUST in what a Konservo Presidency would bring?

Not consistent?! I’ve been perfectly consistent with what the voices in my head are telling me. And lately they’ve been saying that RALPH will be a disaster as President. His Rapture-talk used to inspire me until I figured out he was talking about right-wing religion instead of orgies. What will happen to his brilliant fictional vision if he actually wins the contest? Instead of all that delicious stuff going down in the Lincoln Bedroom, he’ll be in there for real with a bunch of balding, paunchy preachers, trying to see who can yell the loudest! You can TRUST me on that. I’ll be a hell of a lot more fun. The table dancing has only just begun.

• If you become President, how will you decorate the White House?

I’d like to bring a retro/Bohemian vibe to the place. Inflatables and beanbag chairs for Cabinet meetings and maybe some hammocks on the North Portico for visiting dignitaries. Beaded curtains and black light. Lava lamps. Yeah, that would be groovy.

• Are the rumours about your virginity true?

What have you heard, sweetheart? No, but, seriously. If you want someone – ahem! – “experienced,” I’m your choice. There’s no scandal I haven’t already participated in and put behind me. It would be hard to pin anything on MY tail! And don’t think it hasn't been tried...

Fire away, you beautiful people! I'll be back just as soon as I've freshened up a little...

17 comments:

donutbumpingagent4piaps said...

I bet my candidate would be more fun in the Lincoln Bedroom than you, Konservo sweetie.

How much do you want to bet?

california blat said...

Hair and decoration and orgies! Can't you talk about anything MEANINGFUL?

konservo press corps said...

At least our candidate isn't hurting everyone's ears with imaginary musical skills like yours, Blat. When's the last time you had an eager audience begging for more...except when you had your coin-dispensing baseball cap in one hand and your guitar in the other?

In fact, how is that baseball cap financed? Are you bleeding the cosmic treasury dry? Do we owe CHINA?

hiram t. peashucker said...

Well, Press Corpse, let me tell you, my candidate don't need to wear no dress to have 'em beggin' for more.

And don't YOU wish you had a magic baseball cap? Might urn you a few more of them votes.

hiram t. peashucker said...

And by the way, whar's that RALPHY? He cut and run agin?

RalphyFan said...

The Candidate Speaks:

So sorry you don't get the good questions, Blattie.

And, Hiram? Just remember: Jealousy is a Disease.

Now back to some more questions from the Newshounds audience before my masseuse arrives:

• Who would you choose for your Vice President?

Right now I’m leaning toward Weird Al Yankovic. He has cross-generational appeal and you have to love his accordion stylings. If he declines, I’d probably pursue Paris Hilton or somebody like that. We don’t want another VP who’s going to show up to state funerals in a parka straight off the racks at LL Bean, taking up two seats’ width in one folding chair, for chrissakes. Much less without mittens.

• Would YOU implement the Coulter Plan in the Middle East? Or would you try the Gucci plan instead?

This Coulter Plan routine of RALPH’s is all, like, so yesterday. The woman – and I of course use the term loosely – can’t even dress herself so as to offset that horrible neck of hers. It’s like she actually wants us to look at her goiter! Put a scarf on, for all our sakes, Annie! But, no, carpet-bombing is not the answer. And Middle Eastern carpets can be SO chic – it’s just a waste. The Gucci plan? Maybe a little too advanced for the region. Baby steps. We probably need to start with the Banana Republic Plan and the Gap Plan, work up slowly to the Nordstrom Plan, and then reassess with a runway show at the Baghdad Airport.

• Which leader of a foreign country will you invite to the White House first?

Oh, definitely Armani. And I’ll try to persuade Gordon Ramsay to do the catering.

• What will you do about the health care problem?

Everybody should have a personal visit with a nurse at least once a year, at government expense. Or, where that is not possible, someone dressed as a nurse. With an active imagination and lots and lots of elastic bandages at her disposal.

- - - -

Maybe RALPH will have the guts to show up by the time I get back, darlings!

california blat said...

Thanks, Hiram, for taking my questions while I was changing my guitar strings.

And Konservo, who says I don't get the good questions? I made them all up and submitted them myself, they have to be good.

Anyway, here are answers to a few more...

- Since you have that magic money-dispensing baseball cap, will you abolish taxes?

Who needs taxes? My baseball cap will eliminate the deficit and the National Debt, and fight any wars we want to PLUS pay for unlimited social programs.

• Who would you choose for your Vice President?

Elvis. That’s not negotiable. I might name Ranger Bob to be my Secretary of State. But I might choose Campaign Blat instead - poor guy deserves a break.

•Which leader of a foreign country will you invite to the White House first?

That’s easy. Gurbanguly Berdimuhammedov, President of Turkmenistan. I want him to bring me one of those awesome big hats.

RalphyFan said...

Candidate Konservo Speaks:

one of those awesome big hats

At last, Blattie Dear - something we can agree on!

california blat said...

Oh, yes... and another very important question:

- How will you solve the health care crisis?

A: What crisis? In my administration, no one will get sick.

RALPH!!! said...

Who would you choose for your Vice President?

MY DEAREST AND CLOSEST FRIENDS!

*holds up left hand*

THIS IS LEWANDA AND HER FIVE SISTERS!!! ALL RAPTURE-READY AND AMERICANS OF TOP WORTH!!!!

Which leader of a foreign country will you invite to the White House first?

AMERICA'S SECOND GREATEST PRESIDENT, GEORGE BUSH OF TEXAS!!!

Who will you invite to perform at your inauguration party?

THE RIGHT BROTHERS AND MOLLY HATCHET!!!

california blat said...

THIS hat.

http://www.equitour.co.uk/showCountry.asp?countryid=130

RALPH said...

OF COURSE YOU LIKE THAT HAT!!! IT LOOKS LIKE A BULL'S BALL SACK!!

PIAPS-SLURPING DEMLIB!!!!

BWAHAHAAH!!

ROFLMAO!!!

california blat said...

Well, looky here, Ralph, someone oughta put a hat on YOUR head; it looks like you haven't put a comb to it since Elvis was declared dead.

campaign blat said...

If you only took your vitamins, Ralph, you wouldn't have the hair issues. It just breaks my heart to see how you've let yourself go.

RALPH said...

HATER!!! HATER!!! ELVIS WAS A GOOD AMERICAN AND SUPPORTER OF THE RAPTURE!!!

HE WASN'T A DONUT-BUMPING SURRENDER MONKEY LIKE YOU!!!!!

ELVIS HATE! MOMMA HATE!JAILHOUSE ROCK HATE! WHITE CHRISTMAS HATE!

DEMLIBS ARE ALL ABOUT HATE!!!

IRave4Ralph said...

(ahem!) Ralph...

Got a few questions for you...

- Which foreign leader would you invite to the White House first?

- and what would YOU do to solve the health care crisis in America?

RALPH said...

Which foreign leader would you invite to the White House first?

AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIdENT OF TEXAS, GEORGE BUSH OF COURSE!

and what would YOU do to solve the health care crisis in America?

THERE IS NO CRISIS!! IT'S DEMLIBS PUNISHMENT FOR BEING DONUT-BUMPERS! FOR BEING CLINTOON LOVERS!!!

BWAHAHAHAA!!!