Tuesday, April 1, 2008

An Opening Statement from California Blat

Oh they call me Blat
Come from Californ’
I’m gonna be President
Just as sure as you’re born
So you give me your vote
Leave old Ralphy alone
I’m the one you need
‘Cause I’m BLAT to the bone
I’m BLAT to the bone
And now I'll answer some questions that a certain ET asked me particularly:
Pantsuits – fabulous, or manifest evil? Pick a side: we’re at war.
You’re at war; I love the world.

But seriously: better a woman in a pantsuit than a man in a dress.
I’m not the world’s most puritan bloke,
But when I see him prancing I just want to choke
That Konservo

What role do you, as California Blat, foresee for your demoralized twin Campaign Blat in a Ralph/Blat White House?
There won’t be a Ralph/Blat White House.
But as for Campaign Blat, I sincerely pity him. It’s not his fault that I got all the magic as well as the brains and talent, during that whatever-it-was in Smallville. And RALPH has destroyed what little brain he had left. I would go talk to him and show him the love and tenderness that poor lost soul deserves - except I don’t want his negativity to rub off on me.

What about the Iraq "surge? Are payments to insurgents professionalism and "good business?
Depends what you’re paying them for. I will pay insurgents only if:
- they make good kebabs
- they’ll teach me how to sing "Heartbreak Hotel" in Arabic
- they’ll teach my Rottweilers how to belly dance
- they actually hit me when they shoot at me. (NOTE from Hiram: CB is too moddist to say it but, you see, bullets don’t do him no hurt. Even them Impervised Exploding Thangs can’t harm him - they jist tickle him a bit.)

Will you institute a system of love points" for Congress and the Cabinet?
Oh absolutely. I plan to completely change the adversarial natural of party politics. Every morning before meetings begin, all Congressmen will have to join hands and sing "The Barney Song." There will be "hug breaks" every two hours. Anyone who won’t agree to love their fellow decision makers unconditionally will be forced to work 12-hour days at minimum wage like every other American.

Newshounds: assholes, wretched assholes, or the most wretched assholes of all time?
Of course they’re assholes; if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be Newshounds. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being an asshole. Some of my best friends are assholes. Some people have even told me I’m one myself.

They’re not the most wretched of all time though. There are at least two people in the world who are more wretched. I won’t say their names but one begins with "R" and the other begins with "K". But I love them anyway. I love the world!


konservo press corps said...

Konservo welcomes you all with air kisses and a flutter of his marabou fan! He'll be along for questions just as soon as his nail polish is dry.

Californiacated said...

I have a question for California Blat.

"California" is part of your name, apparently. How do you reconcile that with being the President of all 50 states, not to mention DC and the territories? Or will the surfers and chardonnay-sippers be more equal than everyone else in a C.B. administration, as RALPH has been heard to allege?

california blat said...

That's easy. I'm going to change the name of every state in the union to "California" so no one will feel left out.

Aunty Em Ericann said...

This question is for California Blat, and it is a visual representation of one of the oldest troll policy questions in the universe. I'd appreciate your thoughts on my question/submission!

Sorry, you'll have to C&P the link, blogger doesn't allow more than formatting html!


With all my love,
Aunty Em

california blat said...

I think I'll let the others answer that one, Em. More in their line.

RALPH said...





Californy-Forni-Horny said...

I have a questyion for California Blat.

Mr. C-Blat,what do you intend to do about Campaign Blat,if anything?

And if you win the nomination,will you finally proclaim yourself as the one true Blat?