Tuesday, April 1, 2008

More Policy from California Blat

I'm back. I have a few more questions to answer and I want to knock Konservo off the top of this blog...

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?
Oh, definitely a business opportunity. And don’t think Al Gore doesn’t know it. Let me tell you something: I was talking to this entrepenoor from Minneapolis, about growing bananas in Minnesota - and what do you think he told me? He said he’d already signed a deal with Al Gore! Man talks out of both sides of his mouth. He needs some vitamins to get him thinking straight.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?
The nameless scumbag who invented Lite Rock. Back when I was working in an office, that's all I'd hear - the same three songs over and over again on the same evil radio station. I will ABOLISH that radio station as soon as I become President and I will tear the country apart to find whoever owns it. Do you know how much TORMENT that person’s inflicted on the ears of society? I'll throw him into a soundproof prison and make him listen to those three songs over and over for the rest of his miserable life.

Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?
No, it won’t be a priority. I think it’s more of a priority for me to have a new Turkmen hat. Though I’d be happy to take on the Newshounds of the Caribbean in some other way. A Sumo wrestling tournament maybe?

• What about the impending RAPTURE?
As I mentioned before, I don’t believe it’s impending. I was told so by two unimpeachable sources - Elvis, and this pterodactyl I met last summer while I was climbing the letter Y in "HOLLYWOOD". They both said the RAPTURE was a lie invented to sell more donuts. I believe them.

4 comments:

wastin' away in freeperville said...

You sound really angry for someone who's supposed to be all about the LOVE, California Blat. Are you sure your temper won't become a liability in this campaign, as with, say, McCain?

whispering campaign said...

Some say that California Blat never renounced his relationship with an inflammatory preacher who dodged the draft in order to have an illicit interracial baby while running from sniper fire.

But I'm sure that won't hurt his chances. As far as I know.

Kim, PbD said...

Stockings....they've resurfaced on the campaign trail. Do you think they are coming into fashion, again, for the gents?

California Blat said...

Hello, folks. I know it’s been a few days since the debate, but the Moment-Men invited me to share a carload of Backyard Bourbon from Alabama with them. That stuff does amazing things to my powers; do you know that after a pint of it I can fly at Mach 2? If you hear a sonic boom in the next few days, wave - it might be me.

Anyway, here are some answers to your questions:

- You sound really angry for someone who's supposed to be all about the LOVE, California Blat. Are you sure your temper won't become a liability in this campaign, as with, say, McCain?


Who, me, angry? I’m not angry with anyone. I love the world. I don’t know who’s been spreading the rumor that I’m angry. But I’ll find out. I’ll find that vicious little twerp if it’s the last thing I do. And when I find him I’ll send him back to nursery school for re-education in how to be a basic human being. Daring to say I’m angry!! Of all the FUCKING NERVE!

But of course I forgive him because I love him. And my temper will never be a liability in this campaign because I am so full of love.


- Some say that California Blat never renounced his relationship with an inflammatory preacher who dodged the draft in order to have an illicit interracial baby while running from sniper fire.

That wasn’t me. If you’re referring to the yoga master who experimented with tantric sexual practices while levitating, and who has not been seen since she sneaked into a munitions factory with the intention of turning the tanks into rhododendron bushes... yes, there was someone sort of like that in my life once.


- Stockings....they've resurfaced on the campaign trail. Do you think they are coming into fashion, again, for the gents?

I don’t see myself as a stockings person, Kim. That’s more of a Konservo thing. Hiram has been wearing the same pair of socks since Evel Knievel’s Snake River Canyon jump. I’m not quite that bad, but I do tend to change my socks only when I think about it. When I’m President, though, I’ll try to wear new socks every day.

(A note from Hiram T. Peashucker: CB don’t know this, but Cletus wears stockins. Yeah, he do. He wears ‘em ‘cause of his very-close veins. Does that mean our Cletus is one of yer trend setters? Coulda fooled me.)