Sunday, July 29, 2007
She’s managed to locate the owner of the blue 1973 Ford LTD which Blat allegedly drove to Nashville. He is Damon DeRosa, a shoe salesman from Alexandria VA and a devotee of all things Seventies. He drove the car to the Abbacadabba Club in Falls Church on June 28 (he’s never missed one of their Super Seventies Thursdays) and left the club at 1:30 a.m. to find his car missing. He reported the theft to police at once. The following morning he was visited by "two guys in suits," who didn’t say where they were from, but offered him a rather large incentive not to press charges. What did they look like? If he told Ms. Stone she isn’t saying. "I’m working on that one," she writes.
Not that Mr. DeRosa is too upset. "Whoever took that car is welcome to it. It was a bitch getting it into parking spaces. And it just slurped down gas. I had to fill it every twenty minutes. I bought a brand-new Prius with what those guys gave me. It's not very authentic if you know what I mean, but I can't believe the money I'm saving."
Meanwhile, the candidates spent last night at a College Republican safe house in Sikeston, Missouri. About 9 p.m., neighbours reported hearing furious shouts of rage from the house ("I think one of them said faggot," reports 92-year-old Jessie Ward who lives next door, "but that can’t be, because that house doesn’t have a fireplace") and soon afterward a young man was seen being chased out the front door by a vulture. This young man, who asked not to be identified, later said, "I was trying to tell Ralph how great the College Republicans have been for me because they helped me deal with my doubts about my sexuality. I had no idea he’d react like that."
Blat was not on the premises; he had gone to Cheers Bar & Grill to take in the Rotary Club Texas Hold’em Poker tournament. He was last seen at an after-hours game in a dark corner of the bar, staring gloomily at the other players’ money piles.
Ralph reportedly left Sikeston this morning. It is not known whether Blat was with him, or whether the candidates will resurface for the August 5 Republican debate, as planned. We'll keep you posted.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Ralph/Blat Campaign Tragedy! HQ Torched ... Lowe's Boycott Heroically Continues ... PIAPS Implicated?
"THE HATERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS HAVE NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! ALL THEY CAN DO IS HATE AND DESTROY AND BUMP DOUGHNUTS AND EMBOLDEN THE TERRORISTS!!!!"
In a further clear jab at the Clinton campaign, Ralph added, "THE FBI AND THE HEROIC JUSTICE DEPARTMENT OF AMERICA'S-GREATEST-ATTORNEY-GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES MUST SECURE A SEARCH WARRANT FOR PIAPS’ OFFICE AND DETAIN HER ENTIRE TERRORIST-CODDLING, AMERICA-HATING STAFF FOR QUESTIONING IN THIS ATTACK ON OUR FAIR-AND-BALANCED CAMPAIGN TO SAVE AMERICA AND PREPARE FOR THE RAPTURE!!!! PIAPS’ NAME MUST BE PUT ON THE NO-FLY LIST!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!"
Running mate Blat then took a brief set of questions from the press pool.
Q. How will this incident affect your announced platform of boycotting Lowe's Home Improvement for their withdrawal of advertising support from The O'Reilly Factor?
A. Listen, pal, it's not like Lowe's is the only game in town for power tools or a vat of Bondo. We'll rebuild this campaign HQ out of used pallets and wrapping paper if we have to. We're not giving in to the wretched assholes like Lowe's who think it's OK to desert Bill O'Reilly just as he's giving DailyKos and other liberal web sites more publicity than they ever deserved...wait...that's not what I meant to say, exactly. I mean...er...what do I mean?
Q. Do you have actual evidence that the Clinton campaign or another rival organization is behind what can only be construed as a criminal case of vandalism and arson?
A. Well, it stands to reason. What are the possible explanations? Could the explosion have been caused by the moonshine still being located too close to the hot plate? By Ralph carelessly smoking near the corner where I warehouse my Eniva products? Or by sinister agents of Hillary Clinton and her ilk skillfully infiltrating the Hi-Lo Trailer Court in the dead of night, planting undetectable explosive devices, and then detonating them at the precise moment when nobody was there? I put it to you that the last of these possible explanations is the only one that remotely merits consideration.
Q. Candidate Ralph has made several references in the past to "JIHAD-SITES" which might have played a role in escalating both the temperature of the online rhetoric in this campaign, as well as in other, more direct, confrontations. Is it the campaign's view that such sites were involved in this incident?
A. Undeniably. Newshounds and its infamous Off-Topic Forum are particularly virulently opposed to everything that this campaign stands for, as Ralph has many times explained. Mere days ago he issued a scathing denunciation of their BANNING OF EDUCATED POSTERS [like himself] FROM ACCESS and the SHRILL AND HYSTERICAL COMMENTS SO DESPERATELY OFFERED BY BRAIN-DEAD LIBTARDS!!!!! Would it be such a stretch to imagine a criminal conspiracy by geographically-diverse, anonymous, sporadic bloggers to coordinate a secret effort to physically vandalize our offices and cause uncounted damage to our campaign? I think not. They're just afraid to debate me, that's all. Wait till I get my lawyers on this.
Q. What critical campaign assets were lost in this tragic explosion and fire?
A. Well, I believe Ralph's complete Left Behind collection, including the beta-test uncensored video games and the first edition autographed by Tim LaHaye, were lost to the blaze. My Eniva vitamin inventory, of course...though I can just substitute food-colored tap water and Tic-Tacs; they'll never know. Fortunately, all our online materials are backed up in a bunker at an undisclosed location, so as soon as we can raise Skeeter on his CB radio we'll be back up and running at nearly full capacity.
Blat called a halt to the press conference just as citizen journalist Kate Stone, author of the syndicated No Stone Unturned column, was requesting recognition.
Until campaign headquarters at the Hi-Lo Trailer Court can be restored, Ralph and Blat will be staying with a network of College Republicans running what they call the "Underground BAIL-road." The grocery owned by noted wingnut Mike Thayer is reputed to be a hub for this series of neocon "safe houses" designed to ferry operatives clandestinely through hostile blue states to havens of safe harbor. The campaign pledged to disclose the candidates' whereabouts once their "Ralph/Blat Terror Alert Level" dropped below the Orange "Libfuck!" level.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
As can be seen below, RALPH offered many deep insights to the current crises facing America, as well as multi-faceted solutions.
"RALPH'S leadership and charisma are undeniable," one staffer is quoted as saying, "His message is accessible to anyone - from the mentally deranged to the Pat Buchanan supporter. Everyone can get behind this."
Donkey, the now "exclusive" video interviewer of RALPH, attempted to contact Jesus for post-interview comment. Jesus could not be reached. Donkey and several staffers tried prayer, but to no avail.
Full interview on the link below:
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
While the audience sat under parasols in the shimmering heat, enjoying a lunch catered for the occasion by Bumpin' Donuts, the Candidate shouted and gestured until the sweat formed a puddle an inch deep about his feet.
"ASK YOURSELVES WHETHER YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH THE UNSPEAKABLE NIGHTMARE OF SOCIALIZED (SOCIALIST) MEDICINE, WHICH INEVITABLY RESULTS IN ISLAMOFASCISM!!!" he shouted. "UTAH WILL BE THE ONLY POST-RAPTURE RED STATE!!!!" When one of the audience asked what the Sam Hill that meant, Ralph hurled a tract at him. "I HAVE SENT THIS TO BILL O’REILLY AND I NOW I GIVE IT TO YOU SO YOU MAY READ IT AND BE RAPTURED!!!!"
When a reporter asked Ralph about the allegations raised by Kate Stone in her recent column, he waxed furious. "THAT AMERICA-HATING, BIN-LADEN-LOVING, PIAPS-SLURPING DEMLIB FEMLIB WITCH SHOULD BE SENT TO GITMO!!! LIKE THOSE ARROGANT, BRAIN-DEAD NEWSHOUNDS AND ALL THE OTHER JIHADIST TRAITORS!!!" he roared.
Meanwhile: The latest "Fine Caviar" blog entry offers a clarification from Blat on some of his previous statements. "When I said I'd like to be out on the road like Jack Kerouac and Hunter S. Thompson, that didn't mean I was endorsing their lifestyles," he said. "I hate drugs. I've never touched them in my life. Well, maybe I toked up once or twice - but I didn't inhale. Well, yes, I did inhale a bit - but I didn't enjoy it. Well - yeah, I did enjoy it, kind of. I enjoyed it a lot, really. But that's not to say I'd make some kind of art form out of drugs. Not now, anyway. I'm Raptured now."
P.S. We asked Bill O'Reilly how he liked the tract and he replied, "What tract?" He figures his secretary must have pitched it into the garbage. But he's still a big fan of Ralph's. He had considered having him on the Factor this week but instead he's going to interview a Canadian who died on a hospital waiting list. He promises Ralph will be a guest on the Factor at some future date.
In actuality, explained a campaign staffer, this is less because of any incoherence or inability to express themselves on the candidates' part, and more the result of their own unique (one might add, often colorful) contribution to the political lexicon.
This staffer was referring, of course, to Original Ralph Adaptive Linguism, otherwise known as ORAL.
ORAL first put in an appearance when the candidates-to-be initially met, in a remedial composition class during middle school. Struggling with such concepts as "a noun is a person, place or thing," and "verbs are action words," Blat reportedly scribbled in the corner of his class notes, "DIE DIE DIE DIE!", adding a large lightning bolt. RALPH, seated at an adjacent desk, saw the message and responded in kind on his own sheet, above a previously-doodled image of the pantsuited teacher with a pig's head substituted, "HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!"
Thus was their initial bond first forged.
As their school careers in study hall and detention continued, ORAL began to take on more of the characteristics we see today, adding bizarre metaphors, hyphenation-fixation, CAPS LOCK, and the candidate's trademark repetitive punctuation (!!!!!!!!) to its descriptive arsenal.
Through their peripheral involvement with a College Republicans group at Exterior Latex University - where, although not actually enrolled, they were allowed to stand in for the Pet Goats when required for group initiations - they subsequently obtained their entré to politics as junior speechwriters for then-outgoing Vice President Dan Quayle. A great many of Quayle's public-speaking gems are in fact attributable to the duo, including:
- "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
- "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
- "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
Of course, when these statements are considered in light of RALPH's and Blat's authorship, the common thread running through them all is readily understandable and clear to even the least perspicacious reader.
Perhaps the most common question addressed to our source within the campaign is, however, just how the breathtakingly audacious narrative devices characteristic of ORAL came to be. From ISLAMOFASCIST INFATUATED LIBTARDS to SKANKY PIAPS to FAIR AND BALANCED REPORTING to RED DOUGHNUT-BUMPING, devotees of Original Ralph Adaptive Linguism have been treated to a completely over-the-top level of rhetoric that seemingly defies interpretation.
Or, does it? The key, swears our source, is to break down each phrase into its separate elements and to analyze those elements in detail before reassembling the hermeneutics. This staffer walked us through the process using the RED DOUGHNUT-BUMPING example.
- The element "RED" suggests communism, stopping, danger, energy, and power.
- The element "DOUGHNUT" is a metaphor for achievement of consensus, as around the water cooler and a box of doughnuts. (Blat is reported to be partial to rainbow sprinkles.)
- The element "BUMPING" suggests conflict and friction, as in "bumping up against" prevailing opinion.
"So...there's no slang, kind of voyeuristic lesbian fascination whatsoever, on the candidates' part, in the use of the phrase?" we inquired of our source.
The Ralph/Blat campaign staffer quickly changed the subject, offered us an apple fritter to split, and then informed us we would have to terminate the interview because both candidates had important visitors pending. (A perusal of the visitor logs later revealed these visitors to be a parole officer from Gackle, North Dakota and a doctor from the Eastern State Psychiatric Hospital in Lexington, Kentucky. There was no indication which visitor was slated to see which candidate.)
Monday, July 23, 2007
Investigative reporter Kate Stone, author of the popular No Stone Unturned column, is getting suspicious. In today's column, titled "Who Let the Dogs Out?" she asked the following questions:
- Why did the owner of an Oscar Meyer Wienermobile, allegedly carjacked by Blat in Baltimore, abruptly drop charges after a lunch with Karl Rove?
- Who paid Blat’s $30,000 bail when he was arrested in Washington on breaches of violating Capitol security?
- Why, when he had been released, was he allowed to go free? Did no one think to put a monitoring device on him? Bail jumping is a criminal offense; particularly, you’d think, for a violation of national security. I mean, we’re at war, aren’t we? We’re fighting them here so we don’t have to fight them over there. Or is it the other way around? Oh, forget it.
- He was seen many times driving a blue 1973 Ford LTD similar to one reported missing from a Falls Church, VA, parking lot. But no one is hounding the police to "find the son of a bitch who stole my car." Nor is there any indication that the police were following him - and surely a car like that would be hard to miss.
- Where did he get the money for an expensive guitar and a return Nashville-Kauai-Kennebunkport flight? Did he receive other perks we don’t know about?
Ms. Stone hasn’t answered the questions yet, but she writes, "I’m watching him, and when I get more answers you’ll be the first to know, reader. There was talk of replacing him a while ago. He’d better watch his step; I don’t think the controversy is quite dead yet."
We will give you the response of Ralph and/or Blat when we receive it.
Meanwhile, since his return to the fold Blat has been seen wearing a suit and tie and strutting proudly in Ralph’s shadow. But Zen Caviar, in his "Fine Caviar" blog, reports that Blat told him wistfully, "That was a good time, being on the road. I felt wild and free. You know, like Jack Kerouac or Hunter S. Thompson." Will he hit the road again, do you think?
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Wonder no more, faithful hordes!
RALPH himself is scheduled to participate in the Republican debates scheduled on ABC News in Des Moines, Iowa on August 5, 2007. He and running mate BLAT plan to address the crowd on issues including abstinence education, the Rapture, and vitamin saturation therapies.
RALPH and BLAT also plan to participate in the Democratic debates, also in Des Moines, on August 19, 2007 - as Troll Party candidates they are free to attach themselves to both events - and at this latter event they hope to emphasize PIAPS' sinister attempts to institute the One World Order, frustrate the Rapture, and institute a reign of corruption and evil, enforced by a malicious motorcycle-straddling dyke squad, upon those few un-Raptured of the ostensibly-God-fearing populace.
When asked for his pre-debate commentary, RALPH was heard to say: "PRO-AMERICAN SITES, SUCH AS AMERICAPHLE, ARE NOT INTIMATED BY OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS. THIS IS BECAUSE WHEN IRREPUTABLE [sic.] FACTS ARE PRESENTED, THEY ARE MERELY VINDICATED BY THE SHRILL AND HYSTERICAL COMMENTS SO DESPERATELY OFFERED BY BRAIN-DEAD LIBTARDS!!!!!THEY JUST CRACK ME UP!!!!!BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...THIS IS A MERE FORETASTE OF THE HOW AMERICA WILL BE WHEN PIAPS BECOMES “PRESIDENT”, AND THEN THE ENTIRE WORLD, WHEN U.N. FORCES WILL ACT AS THE THOUGHT-POLICE AFTER CLINTOON WORMS HIS WAY INTO THAT DESPICAPLE [sic.] BABEL ON THE EAST RIVER!!!!!"
BLAT, for his part, added: "Please do try VIBE as an essential booster to your daily routine! You'll find it enhances energy, invigorates your metabolism, and above all pads my bank account at your expense..."
Campaign staffers could offer no additional position papers or campaign comment as RALPH and BLAT were speedily hustled away.
Q.: What are your platform's key elements?
Oh, yes. And his running mate Blat's comprehensive Health Care Plan, guaranteeing all Americans unfettered and undiscounted access to Eniva products.
Q.: And how to do plan to disseminate your ideas to the electorate?
A.: "Disseminate?" We consider that loaded language indicating sexual profligacy, madam. I will have to ask you to leave this briefing. (Editorial Note: The reporter posing this question was escorted from the briefing directly to a Purity Ball at which she was requested to take a vow of celibacy until Mitt Romney cast his wandering eye upon her. She escaped through a service corridor and presently remains at large.)
Reporters displayed a strange reluctance to address questions to Ranger Bob following this exchange, and the press conference was abruptly terminated...but not before a battered Yugo careened down the street, finally disgorging Vice-Presidential Candidate Blat, clad only in a tattered Speedo and an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt from the Hilo Hattie clearance rack, who leapt from the vehicle to declare: "Louie, Louie! Oh, yea! A-way we go!" Campaign handlers rapidly hustled him into a waiting Buick Impala and sped for Ralph/Blat 2008 HQ, grateful to have their wandering VP candidate back in the fold at last.
Both candidates' status for participation in the upcoming Presidential campaign debates remained unknown at press time.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Speaking from a location he wouldn't disclose (but which, according to our electronic call-tracking system, appears to be somewhere in the neighborhood of San Diego), the candidate said Candy Sue Maitland, who swears she heard him make this promise, was lying in her teeth. "She just wants her name in the papers. I love free enterprise. I love the private sector that creates wonderful new drugs to save little girls' lives. I'd never promise socialized medicine. Do I want us to be like Canada, where they're dying in the street? No way!"
Two other witnesses - Dr. Raj Anand, one of the physicians on duty that night, and Marcus Brownlee, a patient who was sitting in the waiting room, have backed Ms. Maitland up. But Blat remains adamant. "It's a plot, isn't it? It's PIAPS out to get us. And of course you Demlib media types are swallowing it hook, line and sinker."
Ralph seems to agree. "SKANKY PIAPS IS HELL-BENT ON TAKING OVER AMERICA," he told a rally in Boone, Iowa. "HER MOTIVE IS HATE!!!!! PIAPS HAS ALREADY ESTABLISHED A PATTERN FOR SERIAL MURDER! DO YOU THINK SHE'LL STOP AT THIS?!!!!" ("F*cktard," croaked Rush the vulture who was sitting on his shoulder.)
Both members of the audience applauded wildly.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
THE LIBTARD-DOMINATED PRESS REFUSES TO REPORT THAT THE LOCATION OF THE INCIDENT, LEXINGTON AVENUE & 41ST STREET, OCCURRED A MERE SEVEN BLOCKS, LESS THAN 2 MILES, FROM PIAPS’ NYC OFFICE AT THIRD AVENUE & 48TH STREET!!!!!
MOTIVE!!!!!! MEANS!!!!!!!! OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!
THE NYPD MUST SECURE A SEARCH WARRANT FOR PIAPS’ OFFICE AND DETAIN HER ENTIRE TERRORIST-CODDLING, AMERICA-HATING STAFF FOR QUESTIONING!!!!
Is this an official position of the Ralph/Blat Campaign and What proof does the Campaign have to back up these statements up?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Candy Sue Maitland, an emergency-room admitting clerk at [name deleted for liability reasons] Health Center, says that around midnight on Wednesday, July 11, a man resembling V-P Candidate Blat came in bleeding from a cut above one eye, which he said had been caused by a napkin dispenser thrown by "some drunken libtard jerk." He was refused treatment because he had missed two payments on his health insurance.
As he stormed angrily out of the hospital, he allegedly shouted, "Wait till I'm Vice President! I'll show those bloodsucking insurance goons! I'll make sure everyone has all the health care they need, for free!"
"I thought he was just some drunk," says Ms. Maitland. "Until I saw that picture on the blog."
Is this allegation true? If it is, it's a major break from the Troll Party line as expressed by Ralph, who has repeatedly denounced "socialized medicine" as "INTRINSICALLY LINKED TO ISLAMOFASCIST TERRORISM."
Ralph has not offered a comment so far. Nor has Blat, who has not been seen since the snorkelling incident at Poipu Beach referred to by my friend RalphyFan. We will keep you posted on this one.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
In-depth details on Hawaiian Sovereignty from a historical, legal and demographic perspective can be found here. However, in keeping with this campaign's disdain for research, the following statement was instead released by Ralph's press office:
"We are delighted to receive the implied endorsement of the various groups advocating Hawaiian sovereignty," stated a Troll Party spokesperson. "Ever since the days of our Vice-Presidential candidate's involvement with an exclusive wingnut hula halau (pictured here in a rare photo with Hardball host Chris Matthews, in the days prior to their respective fame), he and of course our Presidental candidate have had a deep and abiding respect for the Hawaiian people, particularly enjoying their pricey chocolate macadamia nut clusters and the laid-back surfing culture. Oh, and the kalua pork. They both remember seriously pigging out on that stuff at a luau in the 1990s. 'Pigging' out. Get it? Get it?"
Well-positioned to obtain feedback directly from residents of Hawaii, this staffer conducted some impromptu interviews at Kalihiwai Beach, Kauai. The responses to the question "What are your thoughts on the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign?" were very telling:
- Fully 73% responded with a bemused "Who?"
- Two locals enthusiastically endorsed the campaign, stating that "We don't know of anything more likely to unite Hawaiians in the effort to obtain sovereignty than the prospect of dealing with a Ralph/Blat federal administration."
- A group of surfers from Laguna Beach, CA replied with "Whatever, dude. Hey, is that a camera? Whooo! Check us out, man! We're in Hawaii!!"
- Another 11% of those polled requested campaign literature, and upon reading the Ralph/Blat platform, responded "Ewww! Are you kidding us?" and returned the leaflets.
- Finally, one toddler accepted a leaflet, and proceeded to shred it to offer to Kauai's ubiquitous wild chickens as nesting material. All except one exceptionally scruffy hen declined.
In the House (in the house)
Filthy DEMLIBS (filthy demlibs)
Make me want to grouse (make me want to grouse)
Filthy DEMLIBS (filthy demlibs)
Make me ralph all o-ver
With a feeling that I'm gonna
Win the ol' White House this time.
When the audience began to pelt him with the dregs of their pupu platters and Mai Tais, Blat reportedly fled to the parking lot and pretzeled himself awkwardly into a Hertz rental convertible Mustang, peeling away down the Kuhio Highway toward the South Shore. Unverified reports place him at the scene of an unfortunate snorkeling incident at Poipu Beach involving the remnants of a shattered ukulele, numerous miniature paper umbrellas, three agitated sea turtles, a helicopter rescue crew, and representatives of the Speedo Corporation addressing complex issues involving unconditional warranties on their men's swimwear.
Aloha and mahalo.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Jonathan: I understand that you have expressed some interest in having Bill Kristol, editor of the Weekly Standard and founder of PNAC to be your Secretary of Defense. Can you please elaborate on why you have thought of Kristol being in your cabinet? choice?
Rapture Ralph: [Kristol] CONTINUES TO OFFER WISE COUNSEL TO AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH!!!!!!
Ralph was of course, referring to the advice he gave to Mr. Bush in his current briefing:
The best strategy for the president is to hold firm. There is every reason to believe that he can survive the current calamity-Janes of the Republican party (does anyone really imagine that a veto-proof majority will form in the Senate this week or next?). This nonsense will pass, Congress will go on recess, and Petraeus will have a chance to continue to produce results--and the president and his allies will have a chance to gain political ground here at home. Why on earth pull the plug now? Why give in to an insane, irrational panic that will destroy the Bush administration and most likely sweep the Republican party to ruin? The president still has a chance to emerge from this as a visionary who could see what the left could not--but not if he gives in to them. There is no safety in the position some in the Bush administration are running towards.
Now that's the kind of leadership we should all look for in a Secretary of Defense! Who cares about the party drowning because of a single issue that 68% of Americans disapprove of? This is a war, dammit! There's no voicing dissent of The Leader's policies during times of war!
Just another example of Rapture Ralph leading the way in 08!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Oh, I’m an American hero,
And you-all are just a great big zero.
I’ll be in the White House by and by,
And then you can all f*** off and die.
Die, die, die
Yes, die, die, die
I’ll have your asses in the sweet by-and-by...
Finally the manager succeeded in hustling Blat, bleeding over one eye from a well-aimed napkin dispenser, out of the club. In the early hours of Thursday morning a blue 1973 Ford LTD was seen headed westward on I-40, from which we can assume he is back on the road to Graceland again.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
The installment raised the eyebrows of even his loyal campaign workers. "An alleged Christian, writing pornography," said Sergei Andropov at Ralph2008!'s Left Coast Headquarters, with a shake of his head. "He should really get a hooker," observed vermontdave on the other side of the country. Steve Colbert had much less reticence. "You want Sicko, forget Michael Moore - check out that Ralph dude!" he said on last night's show. "Pull down your Speedos for Jesus. Yeccch."
As for Ralph's "base" - they appear to be still loyal. "It does seem rather over the top," said Pastor Silas Applebee at the Wiggle Hill Tabernacle. "But he's a man of God and there must be a higher purpose to it. God's condoned incest in some circumstances - it said so at the Creation Museum. So God must approve of 'The Morning After.' Let us not question His word." He did admit, though, that he'd have to put the book on his top shelf in a plain brown wrapper, along with the King James Bible.
We don't know what Blat is thinking of the latest controversy. Last we heard he was holed up in Nashville somewhere, trying to figure out how to change chords on his new guitar. We'll update you when we can.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
At a precent press conference in Burlington, Iowa, he made a few spine-chilling references to the arrests of physicians on terror charges in Britain. SOCIALIZED (SOCIALIST) MEDICINE IS INTRINSICALLY LINKED TO ISLAMOFASCIST TERRORISM!!!!!!" he shouted. "THIS IS WHY PIAPS WAS (AND IS) FOR SOCIALIZED MEDICINE!!!!!"
Challenged as to why France, which has universal health care coverage, is considered to have the best health care system in the world, he responded: "NEITHER FRANCE, NOR ANY OTHER COUNTRY, NEEDS SOCIALIST MEDICINE!!!!! THEY COULD ELIMINATE MOST CONTAGION BY WASHING AND BATHING!!!! OVERALL, THE AVERSION TO SOAP, IS INDICATIVE OF THEIR LACK OF CHARACTER AND COWARDICE, AND ULTIMATELY, THEIR OPPOSITION TO PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH'S FREEDOM AGENDA FOR IRAQ. FRANCE SUPPORTS TERROR BY OPPOSING AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENT AND HIS HEROIC STRUGGLE AGAINST AL-QAEDA!!!"
In a futile attempt to divert him from this theme, Zen Caviar of the National Investigator asked him if the next installment of "The Morning After" would feature some more frolicking in the Lincoln Bedroom, and was it true that Glenn Close wanted to play Hillary Clinton in the movie version? This question inspired a fit of unprecedented eloquence from the candidate:
"YOU LIBTARDS CAN'T ADDRESS THE REAL ISSUES BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEAS!!!!" he roared. "NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! "YOUR MINDS ARE SO TWISTED WITH PATHETIC BRAIN-ERODING HATE!!!! "AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-HATE, CHENEY-HATE, O'REILLY-HATE, GOP-HATE, HANNITY-HATE, TRUTH-HATE, FACTS-HATE, FREEDOM-AGENDA-HATE, FOURTH-OF-JULY-HATE, FLAG -HATE, FAMILY-VALUES-HATE, FAITH-HATE, FOUNDING-FATHERS-HATE, LIBERTY-BELL-HATE, FAIR-AND BALANCED-REPORTING-HATE, O'REILLY-HATE, HANNITY-HATE, COULTER-HATE, MALKIN-HATE, LIMBAUGH-HATE, MIKE-SAVAGE-HATE, WILLIAM-KRISTOL-HATE, ISRAEL-HATE, JOYCE-MEYER-MINISTRIES-HATE, NO-CHILD-LEFT-BEHIND-HATE, PRESIDENTIAL-PRAYER-TEAM-HATE, FREE-REPUBLIC-HATE, LAURA-INGRAHAM-HATE, REFORMATION-HATE, ULSTER-HATE, 2ND-AMENDMENT-HATE, RICHARD-PEARLE-HATE, PAUL-WOLFOWITZ-HATE, RONALD-REAGAN-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!!"
The assembled press gallery stared for a minute in open-mouthed silence, then broke into applause. Zen Caviar appeared rooted to the spot. When he finally stirred, twenty minutes later, he took a deep breath and sighed, "That man is amazing. He is a f***ing god."
There appears to be little appetite for a palace coup against VP candidate Blat. Just as well because Blat appears unwilling to step aside. He and his new guitar took the stage at a Sunday afternoon open mike session in Nashville, performing Tom Petty’s "I Won’t Back Down", which he dedicated it to "all his enemies out there." But since he seems to have learned only one chord so far, the performance didn’t go particularly well. In fact, he got no further than "now for my second number," before the audience chased him off the stage.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Campaign HQ has just received this memo from the Assistant to the Assistant Director, Ralph!2008 for President, NE District
"RE: VP/Running Mate Short List
In light of problems concerning current VP Candidate, here's a few names to consider as potential replacement:
1. David Duke
2. Richard Cheney
3. Emperor Palpatine
4. Michael "Heck of a job, Brownie" Brown
5. Ted Haggard (100% cured and ready to party!)
6. Russell Crowe (He promises to dress & act like "Maximus" character from Gladiator
7. Jesus Christ (He promises to stop acting like a dirty hippie)
Not a bad crop. I'm leaning JC but it entirely up to Ralphie.
P.S. All potential VP candidates have been contacted and are EXTREMELY interested. "
Our Regional Director for the Great Lakes/ Midwest Region suggests that we add Ted Nugent to the list. The geriatric headbanger has blamed “stoned, dirty, stinky hippies” for “rising rates of divorce, high school drop-outs, drug use, abortion, sexual diseases and crime, not to mention the exponential expansion of government and taxes.” Might be a good fit with our platform.
Blat is, as usual, not available for comment. Despite earlier theories that he was bound for Graceland, he has not been seen there. He has, however, been spotted in Nashville. He reportedly bought a late-model National M2 Mahogany Body at Artisan Guitars (don’t ask me where he got the money) and has been seen hanging out at the historic Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge. It’s quite possible that he doesn’t know of this new development in his campaign.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? Should Blat be replaced? Don't let Ralph know yet, OK?
Monday, July 2, 2007
Several critics have expressed disappointment that the second installment has no sex in it. Mr. Millard Shickelberg, member of the blue ribbon panel my colleague RalphyFan reported on two days ago, said, "Part Two was a real let-down. I mean yeah, there’s a good nightmare futuristic scenario building up, but if he wants to make a best-seller of it he needs some more jiggle, too. I mean, Ann Coulter? You gotta be kidding!"
However, Bill O’Reilly, who along with Sean Hannity features as the hero of the installment, dismissed this criticism. "Ralph is a God-fearing, family-values man. That first installment was not lowbrow titillation for pure shock value - he wrote it to tell America to wake up. When PIAPS has turned your neighborhood church into a re-education center and forced your children to study the Koran in school, don’t say I didn’t warn you."
In other news, the manager of the Wal*Mart Superstore in Columbus, Ohio where Ralph spoke last Friday is seeking an undisclosed amount of compensation for the damage done by Rush the vulture in the store’s Meats and Deli department. Ralph has refused to discuss the matter, saying, "WHERE DOES WAL-MART COME FROM? ARKANSAS!!! WHO ELSE COMES FROM ARKANSAS?!! NICE TRY, PIAPS AND CLINTOON, BUT I’M ON TO YOU!!! RALPH IS ON TO YOU!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Meanwhile, there have been several sightings of the 1973 Ford LTD presumably being driven by Vice-Presidential candidate Blat. Two young women saw it at a filling station in Knoxville, Tennessee, and observed "that’s one honkin’ big boat. That guy must be a pimp." A few hours later, a general store clerk near Cumberland Mountain also saw the car drive by, with the driver singing "You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hound Dog" at the top of his voice. He recalls thinking, "Looks like one of them cars Ezra McAuliffe has in his front yard, but in a lot better shape." The theory that Blat is heading for Graceland appears to be holding true.