Read and be Raptured!

Ralph painted a mind-numbing picture of what America would be like under a third Clinton presidency, when he spoke at a rally in Vernon, Texas today.

While the audience sat under parasols in the shimmering heat, enjoying a lunch catered for the occasion by Bumpin' Donuts, the Candidate shouted and gestured until the sweat formed a puddle an inch deep about his feet.

"ASK YOURSELVES WHETHER YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH THE UNSPEAKABLE NIGHTMARE OF SOCIALIZED (SOCIALIST) MEDICINE, WHICH INEVITABLY RESULTS IN ISLAMOFASCISM!!!" he shouted. "UTAH WILL BE THE ONLY POST-RAPTURE RED STATE!!!!" When one of the audience asked what the Sam Hill that meant, Ralph hurled a tract at him. "I HAVE SENT THIS TO BILL O’REILLY AND I NOW I GIVE IT TO YOU SO YOU MAY READ IT AND BE RAPTURED!!!!"

When a reporter asked Ralph about the allegations raised by Kate Stone in her recent column, he waxed furious. "THAT AMERICA-HATING, BIN-LADEN-LOVING, PIAPS-SLURPING DEMLIB FEMLIB WITCH SHOULD BE SENT TO GITMO!!! LIKE THOSE ARROGANT, BRAIN-DEAD NEWSHOUNDS AND ALL THE OTHER JIHADIST TRAITORS!!!" he roared.

Meanwhile: The latest "Fine Caviar" blog entry offers a clarification from Blat on some of his previous statements. "When I said I'd like to be out on the road like Jack Kerouac and Hunter S. Thompson, that didn't mean I was endorsing their lifestyles," he said. "I hate drugs. I've never touched them in my life. Well, maybe I toked up once or twice - but I didn't inhale. Well, yes, I did inhale a bit - but I didn't enjoy it. Well - yeah, I did enjoy it, kind of. I enjoyed it a lot, really. But that's not to say I'd make some kind of art form out of drugs. Not now, anyway. I'm Raptured now."

P.S. We asked Bill O'Reilly how he liked the tract and he replied, "What tract?" He figures his secretary must have pitched it into the garbage. But he's still a big fan of Ralph's. He had considered having him on the Factor this week but instead he's going to interview a Canadian who died on a hospital waiting list. He promises Ralph will be a guest on the Factor at some future date.