If the paparazzi following Ralph’s campaign are hoping for another raunchy installment of "The Morning After," they have been disappointed so far. Lately the candidate has preferred to talk about health care, equating universal health coverage with "Islamofascist terrorism."
At a precent press conference in Burlington, Iowa, he made a few spine-chilling references to the arrests of physicians on terror charges in Britain. SOCIALIZED (SOCIALIST) MEDICINE IS INTRINSICALLY LINKED TO ISLAMOFASCIST TERRORISM!!!!!!" he shouted. "THIS IS WHY PIAPS WAS (AND IS) FOR SOCIALIZED MEDICINE!!!!!"
Challenged as to why France, which has universal health care coverage, is considered to have the best health care system in the world, he responded: "NEITHER FRANCE, NOR ANY OTHER COUNTRY, NEEDS SOCIALIST MEDICINE!!!!! THEY COULD ELIMINATE MOST CONTAGION BY WASHING AND BATHING!!!! OVERALL, THE AVERSION TO SOAP, IS INDICATIVE OF THEIR LACK OF CHARACTER AND COWARDICE, AND ULTIMATELY, THEIR OPPOSITION TO PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH'S FREEDOM AGENDA FOR IRAQ. FRANCE SUPPORTS TERROR BY OPPOSING AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENT AND HIS HEROIC STRUGGLE AGAINST AL-QAEDA!!!"
In a futile attempt to divert him from this theme, Zen Caviar of the National Investigator asked him if the next installment of "The Morning After" would feature some more frolicking in the Lincoln Bedroom, and was it true that Glenn Close wanted to play Hillary Clinton in the movie version? This question inspired a fit of unprecedented eloquence from the candidate:
"YOU LIBTARDS CAN'T ADDRESS THE REAL ISSUES BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEAS!!!!" he roared. "NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! "YOUR MINDS ARE SO TWISTED WITH PATHETIC BRAIN-ERODING HATE!!!! "AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-HATE, CHENEY-HATE, O'REILLY-HATE, GOP-HATE, HANNITY-HATE, TRUTH-HATE, FACTS-HATE, FREEDOM-AGENDA-HATE, FOURTH-OF-JULY-HATE, FLAG -HATE, FAMILY-VALUES-HATE, FAITH-HATE, FOUNDING-FATHERS-HATE, LIBERTY-BELL-HATE, FAIR-AND BALANCED-REPORTING-HATE, O'REILLY-HATE, HANNITY-HATE, COULTER-HATE, MALKIN-HATE, LIMBAUGH-HATE, MIKE-SAVAGE-HATE, WILLIAM-KRISTOL-HATE, ISRAEL-HATE, JOYCE-MEYER-MINISTRIES-HATE, NO-CHILD-LEFT-BEHIND-HATE, PRESIDENTIAL-PRAYER-TEAM-HATE, FREE-REPUBLIC-HATE, LAURA-INGRAHAM-HATE, REFORMATION-HATE, ULSTER-HATE, 2ND-AMENDMENT-HATE, RICHARD-PEARLE-HATE, PAUL-WOLFOWITZ-HATE, RONALD-REAGAN-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!!"
The assembled press gallery stared for a minute in open-mouthed silence, then broke into applause. Zen Caviar appeared rooted to the spot. When he finally stirred, twenty minutes later, he took a deep breath and sighed, "That man is amazing. He is a f***ing god."
There appears to be little appetite for a palace coup against VP candidate Blat. Just as well because Blat appears unwilling to step aside. He and his new guitar took the stage at a Sunday afternoon open mike session in Nashville, performing Tom Petty’s "I Won’t Back Down", which he dedicated it to "all his enemies out there." But since he seems to have learned only one chord so far, the performance didn’t go particularly well. In fact, he got no further than "now for my second number," before the audience chased him off the stage.