Saturday, July 28, 2007

Ralph/Blat Campaign Tragedy! HQ Torched ... Lowe's Boycott Heroically Continues ... PIAPS Implicated?

A genuinely tragic blow befell the Ralph/Blat 2008 Presidential campaign when, shortly before midnight yesterday, a deafening explosion and 12-foot-high fireball engulfed the Ralph/Blat Worldwide Campaign Headquarters, Space 16 at the Hi-Lo Trailer Court in Notasulga, Alabama. Flames spread rapidly through the structure, which is now considered a complete loss.

Thankfully, neither candidate was on site at the time of the explosion (it being Two-For-One Kountry Karaoke night at the White Lightning Bar & Grill, where the duo's tipsy rendition of "Bush Was Right" is always a crowd-pleaser). Ralph himself was speedily on the scene the morning after - coincidentally, the very title of his exciting new serialized fact-based novel! - and issued a pithy and direct statement to reporters documenting the tragedy.

"THE HATERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS HAVE NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! ALL THEY CAN DO IS HATE AND DESTROY AND BUMP DOUGHNUTS AND EMBOLDEN THE TERRORISTS!!!!"

In a further clear jab at the Clinton campaign, Ralph added, "THE FBI AND THE HEROIC JUSTICE DEPARTMENT OF AMERICA'S-GREATEST-ATTORNEY-GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES MUST SECURE A SEARCH WARRANT FOR PIAPS’ OFFICE AND DETAIN HER ENTIRE TERRORIST-CODDLING, AMERICA-HATING STAFF FOR QUESTIONING IN THIS ATTACK ON OUR FAIR-AND-BALANCED CAMPAIGN TO SAVE AMERICA AND PREPARE FOR THE RAPTURE!!!! PIAPS’ NAME MUST BE PUT ON THE NO-FLY LIST!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!"

Running mate Blat then took a brief set of questions from the press pool.

Q. How will this incident affect your announced platform of boycotting Lowe's Home Improvement for their withdrawal of advertising support from The O'Reilly Factor?

A. Listen, pal, it's not like Lowe's is the only game in town for power tools or a vat of Bondo. We'll rebuild this campaign HQ out of used pallets and wrapping paper if we have to. We're not giving in to the wretched assholes like Lowe's who think it's OK to desert Bill O'Reilly just as he's giving DailyKos and other liberal web sites more publicity than they ever deserved...wait...that's not what I meant to say, exactly. I mean...er...what do I mean?

Q. Do you have actual evidence that the Clinton campaign or another rival organization is behind what can only be construed as a criminal case of vandalism and arson?

A. Well, it stands to reason. What are the possible explanations? Could the explosion have been caused by the moonshine still being located too close to the hot plate? By Ralph carelessly smoking near the corner where I warehouse my Eniva products? Or by sinister agents of Hillary Clinton and her ilk skillfully infiltrating the Hi-Lo Trailer Court in the dead of night, planting undetectable explosive devices, and then detonating them at the precise moment when nobody was there? I put it to you that the last of these possible explanations is the only one that remotely merits consideration.

Q. Candidate Ralph has made several references in the past to "JIHAD-SITES" which might have played a role in escalating both the temperature of the online rhetoric in this campaign, as well as in other, more direct, confrontations. Is it the campaign's view that such sites were involved in this incident?

A. Undeniably. Newshounds and its infamous Off-Topic Forum are particularly virulently opposed to everything that this campaign stands for, as Ralph has many times explained. Mere days ago he issued a scathing denunciation of their BANNING OF EDUCATED POSTERS [like himself] FROM ACCESS and the SHRILL AND HYSTERICAL COMMENTS SO DESPERATELY OFFERED BY BRAIN-DEAD LIBTARDS!!!!! Would it be such a stretch to imagine a criminal conspiracy by geographically-diverse, anonymous, sporadic bloggers to coordinate a secret effort to physically vandalize our offices and cause uncounted damage to our campaign? I think not. They're just afraid to debate me, that's all. Wait till I get my lawyers on this.

Q. What critical campaign assets were lost in this tragic explosion and fire?

A. Well, I believe Ralph's complete Left Behind collection, including the beta-test uncensored video games and the first edition autographed by Tim LaHaye, were lost to the blaze. My Eniva vitamin inventory, of course...though I can just substitute food-colored tap water and Tic-Tacs; they'll never know. Fortunately, all our online materials are backed up in a bunker at an undisclosed location, so as soon as we can raise Skeeter on his CB radio we'll be back up and running at nearly full capacity.

Blat called a halt to the press conference just as citizen journalist Kate Stone, author of the syndicated No Stone Unturned column, was requesting recognition.

Until campaign headquarters at the Hi-Lo Trailer Court can be restored, Ralph and Blat will be staying with a network of College Republicans running what they call the "Underground BAIL-road." The grocery owned by noted wingnut Mike Thayer is reputed to be a hub for this series of neocon "safe houses" designed to ferry operatives clandestinely through hostile blue states to havens of safe harbor. The campaign pledged to disclose the candidates' whereabouts once their "Ralph/Blat Terror Alert Level" dropped below the Orange "Libfuck!" level.

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