Blat Denies Free-Health-Care Allegation

Breaking a two-day silence, Blat has vehemently denied that he ever promised to implement free universal health care if he became Vice President.

Speaking from a location he wouldn't disclose (but which, according to our electronic call-tracking system, appears to be somewhere in the neighborhood of San Diego), the candidate said Candy Sue Maitland, who swears she heard him make this promise, was lying in her teeth. "She just wants her name in the papers. I love free enterprise. I love the private sector that creates wonderful new drugs to save little girls' lives. I'd never promise socialized medicine. Do I want us to be like Canada, where they're dying in the street? No way!"

Two other witnesses - Dr. Raj Anand, one of the physicians on duty that night, and Marcus Brownlee, a patient who was sitting in the waiting room, have backed Ms. Maitland up. But Blat remains adamant. "It's a plot, isn't it? It's PIAPS out to get us. And of course you Demlib media types are swallowing it hook, line and sinker."

Ralph seems to agree. "SKANKY PIAPS IS HELL-BENT ON TAKING OVER AMERICA," he told a rally in Boone, Iowa. "HER MOTIVE IS HATE!!!!! PIAPS HAS ALREADY ESTABLISHED A PATTERN FOR SERIAL MURDER! DO YOU THINK SHE'LL STOP AT THIS?!!!!" ("F*cktard," croaked Rush the vulture who was sitting on his shoulder.)

Both members of the audience applauded wildly.