Northeast Regional Campaign Manager Appointed, Interviewed

The Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign this evening announced that noted Troll Party Member and occasional (pre-banning) scourge of jihad-site Newshounds, Ranger Bob, has agreed to spearhead the NE Regional campaign as chairman for his own rarefied beach house environment of Kennebunkport, Maine -- on the very threshold of the power wielded by America's-Greatest-President's-Dad, Bush Senior. Oh my gosh-golly-goodness, maybe our dear Ranger even SEES the Bush clan from a distance from time to time! What a thrill, what a moment...er...ahem...all right, let's just carry on as if nobody lost it, there.

Ranger Bob graciously deigned to change into commoners' clothing from his normal morning dress to answer upstart questions posed by the great unwashed press, at a closed briefing on a public street earlier today.

Q: Mister Ranger, what are your foremost campaign goals for the Northeast region, which as we know is an acknowledged HOTBED OF LIBERAL PIAPS-SUPPORTING, DOUGHNUT-BUMPING SKANKY SCUM? (Editorial Note: This particular questioner was later found to be a paid supporter of the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign, and, rather than being evicted from the forum, he was taken to the nearest DQ where he was fed a chili dog, a Mountain Dew and a butterscotch Dilly Bar in return for his silence and his agreement to Forget The Whole Thing.)

A.: Well, it's commonly considered that New England is a bastion of liberalism, but we are convinced that we can rally the True Patriots of the region to come out in support of our candidate.

Q.: What are your platform's key elements?

A.:

Of course, we want to emphasize our candidate's deep understanding of the coming Rapture, his keen grasp of global affairs (as evidenced by his strong advocacy of the Coulter Plan for the Middle East and, of course, his personal concern for Ulster), and his unique perspective on the perils posed by a PIAPS coup in the White House, as elucidated in his fictionalized accounts.

Oh, yes. And his running mate Blat's comprehensive Health Care Plan, guaranteeing all Americans unfettered and undiscounted access to Eniva products.

Q.: And how to do plan to disseminate your ideas to the electorate?

A.: "Disseminate?" We consider that loaded language indicating sexual profligacy, madam. I will have to ask you to leave this briefing. (Editorial Note: The reporter posing this question was escorted from the briefing directly to a Purity Ball at which she was requested to take a vow of celibacy until Mitt Romney cast his wandering eye upon her. She escaped through a service corridor and presently remains at large.)

Reporters displayed a strange reluctance to address questions to Ranger Bob following this exchange, and the press conference was abruptly terminated...but not before a battered Yugo careened down the street, finally disgorging Vice-Presidential Candidate Blat, clad only in a tattered Speedo and an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt from the Hilo Hattie clearance rack, who leapt from the vehicle to declare: "Louie, Louie! Oh, yea! A-way we go!" Campaign handlers rapidly hustled him into a waiting Buick Impala and sped for Ralph/Blat 2008 HQ, grateful to have their wandering VP candidate back in the fold at last.

Both candidates' status for participation in the upcoming Presidential campaign debates remained unknown at press time.