The Candidate Speaks on July 4

Candidate Ralph will hold a press conference on July 4 to respond to a growing number of interview requests. Yesterday’s online publication of the second installment of "The Morning After", in which Senator Clinton manages to drag herself away from the orgy in the Lincoln Bedroom and get on with the serious business of herding the news media into re-education centers, prompted a record number of 3 calls to the answering machine at Troll Party campaign headquarters.

Several critics have expressed disappointment that the second installment has no sex in it. Mr. Millard Shickelberg, member of the blue ribbon panel my colleague RalphyFan reported on two days ago, said, "Part Two was a real let-down. I mean yeah, there’s a good nightmare futuristic scenario building up, but if he wants to make a best-seller of it he needs some more jiggle, too. I mean, Ann Coulter? You gotta be kidding!"

However, Bill O’Reilly, who along with Sean Hannity features as the hero of the installment, dismissed this criticism. "Ralph is a God-fearing, family-values man. That first installment was not lowbrow titillation for pure shock value - he wrote it to tell America to wake up. When PIAPS has turned your neighborhood church into a re-education center and forced your children to study the Koran in school, don’t say I didn’t warn you."

In other news, the manager of the Wal*Mart Superstore in Columbus, Ohio where Ralph spoke last Friday is seeking an undisclosed amount of compensation for the damage done by Rush the vulture in the store’s Meats and Deli department. Ralph has refused to discuss the matter, saying, "WHERE DOES WAL-MART COME FROM? ARKANSAS!!! WHO ELSE COMES FROM ARKANSAS?!! NICE TRY, PIAPS AND CLINTOON, BUT I’M ON TO YOU!!! RALPH IS ON TO YOU!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Meanwhile, there have been several sightings of the 1973 Ford LTD presumably being driven by Vice-Presidential candidate Blat. Two young women saw it at a filling station in Knoxville, Tennessee, and observed "that’s one honkin’ big boat. That guy must be a pimp." A few hours later, a general store clerk near Cumberland Mountain also saw the car drive by, with the driver singing "You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hound Dog" at the top of his voice. He recalls thinking, "Looks like one of them cars Ezra McAuliffe has in his front yard, but in a lot better shape." The theory that Blat is heading for Graceland appears to be holding true.