Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Original Ralph Adaptive Linguism Demystified

A criticism often leveled at the Ralph/Blat campaign by their TERRORIST-CODDLING, AMERICA-HATING opponents is that the positions espoused by RALPH - and, to a lesser extent and only when he can actually be found, running mate Blat - on numerous issues are literally impossible to decipher or understand.

In actuality, explained a campaign staffer, this is less because of any incoherence or inability to express themselves on the candidates' part, and more the result of their own unique (one might add, often colorful) contribution to the political lexicon.

This staffer was referring, of course, to Original Ralph Adaptive Linguism, otherwise known as ORAL.

ORAL first put in an appearance when the candidates-to-be initially met, in a remedial composition class during middle school. Struggling with such concepts as "a noun is a person, place or thing," and "verbs are action words," Blat reportedly scribbled in the corner of his class notes, "DIE DIE DIE DIE!", adding a large lightning bolt. RALPH, seated at an adjacent desk, saw the message and responded in kind on his own sheet, above a previously-doodled image of the pantsuited teacher with a pig's head substituted, "HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!"

Thus was their initial bond first forged.

As their school careers in study hall and detention continued, ORAL began to take on more of the characteristics we see today, adding bizarre metaphors, hyphenation-fixation, CAPS LOCK, and the candidate's trademark repetitive punctuation (!!!!!!!!) to its descriptive arsenal.

Through their peripheral involvement with a College Republicans group at Exterior Latex University - where, although not actually enrolled, they were allowed to stand in for the Pet Goats when required for group initiations - they subsequently obtained their entré to politics as junior speechwriters for then-outgoing Vice President Dan Quayle. A great many of Quayle's public-speaking gems are in fact attributable to the duo, including:

  • "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
  • "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
  • "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

Of course, when these statements are considered in light of RALPH's and Blat's authorship, the common thread running through them all is readily understandable and clear to even the least perspicacious reader.

Perhaps the most common question addressed to our source within the campaign is, however, just how the breathtakingly audacious narrative devices characteristic of ORAL came to be. From ISLAMOFASCIST INFATUATED LIBTARDS to SKANKY PIAPS to FAIR AND BALANCED REPORTING to RED DOUGHNUT-BUMPING, devotees of Original Ralph Adaptive Linguism have been treated to a completely over-the-top level of rhetoric that seemingly defies interpretation.

Or, does it? The key, swears our source, is to break down each phrase into its separate elements and to analyze those elements in detail before reassembling the hermeneutics. This staffer walked us through the process using the RED DOUGHNUT-BUMPING example.

  • The element "RED" suggests communism, stopping, danger, energy, and power.
  • The element "DOUGHNUT" is a metaphor for achievement of consensus, as around the water cooler and a box of doughnuts. (Blat is reported to be partial to rainbow sprinkles.)
  • The element "BUMPING" suggests conflict and friction, as in "bumping up against" prevailing opinion.
Thus, the reassembled meaning of RED DOUGHNUT-BUMPING is that the Ralph/Blat campaign is willing to take an aggressive lead in going against their opponents' consensus position, standing out energetically and powerfully for stopping the dangers of communism.

"So...there's no slang, kind of voyeuristic lesbian fascination whatsoever, on the candidates' part, in the use of the phrase?" we inquired of our source.

The Ralph/Blat campaign staffer quickly changed the subject, offered us an apple fritter to split, and then informed us we would have to terminate the interview because both candidates had important visitors pending. (A perusal of the visitor logs later revealed these visitors to be a parole officer from Gackle, North Dakota and a doctor from the Eastern State Psychiatric Hospital in Lexington, Kentucky. There was no indication which visitor was slated to see which candidate.)


Kate Stone said...

I would very much like to speak with the campaign source referenced in this post in order to corroborate some impotant investigative points. Please contact me at kate @

Thank you.

Kim said...