Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Hawaiian Sovereignty Movement Supports Ralph/Blat 2008: An Exclusive Field Report

Although some might characterize this campaign staffer's recent time in the Hawaiian Islands as a "vacation," the true devotees of the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign know that in the struggle against PIAPS and CLINTOON and their sinister DEMLIB AGENTS, there is no such thing as "down time." In line with that point of view, we offer you the following exclusive on the complementary goals of the Ralph/Blat Campaign and the Hawaiian Sovereignty movement.

In-depth details on Hawaiian Sovereignty from a historical, legal and demographic perspective can be found here. However, in keeping with this campaign's disdain for research, the following statement was instead released by Ralph's press office:

"We are delighted to receive the implied endorsement of the various groups advocating Hawaiian sovereignty," stated a Troll Party spokesperson. "Ever since the days of our Vice-Presidential candidate's involvement with an exclusive wingnut hula halau (pictured here in a rare photo with Hardball host Chris Matthews, in the days prior to their respective fame), he and of course our Presidental candidate have had a deep and abiding respect for the Hawaiian people, particularly enjoying their pricey chocolate macadamia nut clusters and the laid-back surfing culture. Oh, and the kalua pork. They both remember seriously pigging out on that stuff at a luau in the 1990s. 'Pigging' out. Get it? Get it?"

Well-positioned to obtain feedback directly from residents of Hawaii, this staffer conducted some impromptu interviews at Kalihiwai Beach, Kauai. The responses to the question "What are your thoughts on the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign?" were very telling:
  • Fully 73% responded with a bemused "Who?"
  • Two locals enthusiastically endorsed the campaign, stating that "We don't know of anything more likely to unite Hawaiians in the effort to obtain sovereignty than the prospect of dealing with a Ralph/Blat federal administration."
  • A group of surfers from Laguna Beach, CA replied with "Whatever, dude. Hey, is that a camera? Whooo! Check us out, man! We're in Hawaii!!"
  • Another 11% of those polled requested campaign literature, and upon reading the Ralph/Blat platform, responded "Ewww! Are you kidding us?" and returned the leaflets.
  • Finally, one toddler accepted a leaflet, and proceeded to shred it to offer to Kauai's ubiquitous wild chickens as nesting material. All except one exceptionally scruffy hen declined.
In an alarming turn of events since running mate Blat's last sightings in the Nashville area, he appeared unexpectedly at an open-mike night at Tradewinds (Coconut Marketplace, Kapaa, Kauai), now sporting a ukulele rather than a guitar and tunelessly working his way through his own campaign rendition of "Tiny Bubbles":

Filthy DEMLIBS (filthy demlibs)
In the House (in the house)
Filthy DEMLIBS (filthy demlibs)
Make me want to grouse (make me want to grouse)

Filthy DEMLIBS (filthy demlibs)
Make me ralph all o-ver
With a feeling that I'm gonna
Win the ol' White House this time.

When the audience began to pelt him with the dregs of their pupu platters and Mai Tais, Blat reportedly fled to the parking lot and pretzeled himself awkwardly into a Hertz rental convertible Mustang, peeling away down the Kuhio Highway toward the South Shore. Unverified reports place him at the scene of an unfortunate snorkeling incident at Poipu Beach involving the remnants of a shattered ukulele, numerous miniature paper umbrellas, three agitated sea turtles, a helicopter rescue crew, and representatives of the Speedo Corporation addressing complex issues involving unconditional warranties on their men's swimwear.

Aloha and mahalo.


wee nelson said...

Blat sure gets around, doesn't he? He has a few challenges if he's going to keep coming up with song lyrics - do you know any words that rhyme with "Ralph"?

et said...

I've been trying to rework the theme from "Alfie" for the campaign...lyrics still percolating.

wee nelson said...

What the campaign needs is a Ralphy Girl video.