The indefatigable Campaign Bloggers have managed to retrieve the following proposed script from a wastebasket at the Disney Channel headquarters. Perhaps, however, another network has accepted it and will run it in the new year:
Scene: a cave somewhere in the Tribal Areas of Pakistan. Furnished with a table and some rickety chairs, a worn carpet and a state-of-the-art computer with Web cam. OSAMA BIN LADEN is seated in one of the chairs, nervously braiding and unbraiding his beard, while one of his lieutenants (let’s call him AKBAR) paces the floor restlessly. Sound of a cold wind blowing.
BIN LADEN: Oh I hate being stuck up here in winter! I wish spring would come so we could swoop down upon the lowlands like an eagle upon its prey!
AKBAR: Spring will come eventually, inshallah. At least it has always come before this.
(More sounds of wind.)
BIN LADEN: It is so lonely up here. No one ever comes to visit me. I sit by myself, alone with my thoughts, day after day after bitter day. Do you know what I’d like, most in all the world, Akbar?
AKBAR: Universal jihad, and an Islamic state throughout the world?
BIN LADEN: That too. But right now, what I’d really like is a pizza. I have not tasted pizza since I was a university student in Jiddah. Is it a sign of my old age, that I should crave a decadent Western dish?
Honking of horns.
VOICE OF PIAPS (outside): Did somebody mention pizza?
BIN LADEN (rises, his face lighting up): Is that who I think it is?
PIAPS: It is indeed! (She enters, carrying two large flat cardboard boxes, followed by a figure in a black burqa.) And I have brought not one pizza but two! This is a Classic Combo, but with all-beef pepperoni. And this one is a gourmet variety: goat cheese, artichokes and ground chicken.
BIN LADEN (deeply moved): You brought these all the way up here for me?
PIAPS: A little token of my continued regard, Sam. I’m on my first official visit to the Middle East but Taryn and I (the burqa bows deeply) managed to evade our escort so that I could visit you. I came to let you know that even though I am now Secretary of State, I never forget who my real friends are - or (chuckles evilly) what my real purpose is.
BIN LADEN: I am delighted that you have not forgotten your real purpose. In your new position you must be more circumspect than ever - but of course you know that. It is just as well that no one in America knows your real purpose.
PIAPS: Actually, there is one person in America who knows. In fact, he’s written a very perceptive little masterwork on the subject, and posts it on a blog in installments.
BIN LADEN: The dog! The pig! The vile piece of sewer slime! Give me his name and I will have him boiled in oil!
PIAPS: No need for that. No one in America believes him. They all think he’s a nutcase. We can deal with him at our leisure. Now I must go; but remember, I am still your friend under the surface.
BIN LADEN: I am deeply grateful - for the pizza and particularly for your reassurance.
(Scene change: a Jeep parked outside a cave in the mountains, ringed around by Afghan guards with machine guns. PIAPS and TARYN emerge from the cave mouth and get into the car.)
TARYN: Whew! Now at last I can get out of this damn burqa! (She tears it off and throws it under her feet, revealing that she is clad in Speedo briefs and Doc Martens, and nothing else except tattoos. The driver looks back at her, hastily averts his eyes and swerves the vehicle swiftly before it can plummet over the edge of a cliff.)
PIAPS: Now, it’s on to Israel to meet with Tzipi Livni. Mmm, she looks like really hot stuff. Book me some time at the Ein Gedi Spa for her and me, there’s a dear. Make sure to schedule a nice leisurely therapeutic bath in Dead Sea mud. No, don’t look so miserable, dear. You’re quite welcome to join us. The more the merrier! Ah, the whole world is mine! I love this job already! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
We will let you know if any channel picks this up. In the meantime, help our candidate this Christmas, and order Ralphie Action Figures for your family, friends, co-workers, local radio talk show staff... for everyone!