We thought RALPH would be heading for Pennsylvania, where Konservo is trying to needle him into a debate. Instead, the Morning After Road Show has taken an unexpected detour into Illinois. It was part of the Candidate's ongoing ministry to Senator Barack Obama, as was the following dramatization which took place this morning at a Holiness Fire Church just south of Springfield.
Sound of howling wind. Curtain rises on a rude log shack, with board walls, a few rough chairs, a gun-metal stove, and, incongruously, a big-screen TV. Through a window we can see mountains of ice. BARACK OBAMA (played by Ezekiel Zacharias, who has played Ann Coulter in previous episodes) sits on a rough wooden chair, wearing a parka with a fur hood. There are two husky dogs at his feet.
OBAMA (smiling a big phony smile): Hello everyone, and welcome to the latest installment of “Survivor: Antarctic Candidate,” the ultimate reality show that pits former Presidential candidates against one another and the savage Last Continent. I’m here with two of my huskies, Truffles and Caviar. John McCain wanted to be with us today, but he’s still nursing Mitt Romney after that sea lion attack. The sucker jumped right up out of the water and started chasing Mitt across an ice floe. I thought all seals did was swim. Today my pups and I will have a wonderful day. We’re going to go for a sled ride! Aren't you happy, girl? (Makes to pat Caviar, who snarls and tries to snap at his hand.)
Oh dear, we’re cross today. (Lowers his voice). And let me tell you something in confidence. I’m pretty cross myself. This place is a bitch. Sometimes, as I lie in my bunk listening to the wind howl and the ice crack, I think to myself, Barack, you should have listened to RALPH. He kept trying to tell you, with those phone calls and tracts and blog posts. He warned you to become Rapture Ready or you’d be spending the rest of your life, and all eternity, with You Know Who. But did I believe him? No! I thought he was a nutcase. I wanted too much to be President. And now where am I! Exiled to Antarctica, me and the man-eating sea lions.
The TV set suddenly switches itself on, revealing TARYN standing completely naked, holding a cucumber. The audience cheers.
TARYN: Hey, dude! None of that attitude! You are not an exile, remember; you’re an enthusiastic participant in a blockbuster reality-TV series.
OBAMA: Yes, that’s what PIAPS has told me to say. But let me tell you...
TARYN: No, let me tell you. There's a plane waiting on a runway in Christchurch, New Zealand. You know what’s on it. Real caviar and truffles. Filet mignon. Cognac. New hi-tech winter clothes. A box full of DVDs. If you're good, and stick to the script, we’ll give the word and that plane will take off, right to your door. But if you keep on with this attitude stuff... well, we’ll have to have another Elimination Challenge, and maybe what happened to Ron Paul will happen to you.
OBAMA (gulps) No - uh - no elimination challenges, thanks.
TARYN: Thought you’d agree. Now stop bitching and get back to playing the game. With verve and zest. I don't want to have to warn you again. I had to leave the Lincoln Bedroom to come speak to you, and there's an amazing party going on there and I really want to get back to it. If you make me come back and check on you again, I won’t be happy. (The TV switches off.)
OBAMA (sighing). Well, my furry friends, I guess we’d better go hunting. And don’t worry, we won't be out long and I won’t take you anywhere near that crevasse. (Exit OBAMA with dogs.)
RALPH: TAKE HEED OF THIS MESSAGE, SENATOR OBAMA! YOU WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT - ALL YOU’LL EVER BE IS A WALKING TARGET!!!!
EMBRACE THE RAPTURE!!! CAREFULLY REVIEW THE MATERIALS SENT TO YOU, ESPECIALLY THE MORNING AFTER !!!! SHARE IT WITH YOUR STAFF!!!! CALL THE CONFIDENTIAL AMERICAPHILE PRAYER COUNSELING NUMBER FOR ONE-ON-ONE WITNESSING AND MINISTRY!!!! FIND A VOTER REGISTRATION FORM AT YOUR OFFICE AND TO CHANGE YOUR PARTY AFFILIATION TO THE PRO-AMERICAN G.O.P.!!!!
SENATOR, PLEASE DON'T GO WITH THE FLOE; GO WITH THE RAPTURE!!! YOU WILL BE FEASTING IN PARADISE WHILE AMERICA GROVELS UNDER THE HEEL OF SKANKY, CARPET-MUNCHING PIAPS!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
We have no word from Senator Obama’s office on whether he intends to follow RALPH’s counsel - or join the march of the penguins.