A Campaign Game-Changer?

Enthusiasm has been lacking in the Troll Party ranks ever since the tepid public response to the “Derision 2008” Town Hall session earlier this year. RALPH’s predictions regarding an imminent RAPTURE have thus far failed to materialize; California Blat’s musical populist whereabouts remain a mystery; Campaign Blat’s stolen van has disappeared again after one brief sighting “down by the river”; and Lephari, that mythic wanderer, continues to ricochet from NYPD precinct to precinct in search of a willing ear to receive his prophetic warnings of subway terror and chaos.

But in these days of “lipstick on a pig” and foreign policy by proximity, one erstwhile Troll Party candidate has seized the moment - and at least a fraction of the national imagination - by calling for a radical shake-up in the ticket of one major party.

Konservo, once among the front-runners to share the Troll Party ticket with RALPH, last night held a hasty press conference at the Polo Club in Hartford, Connecticut’s South End, where he is establishing a rapid response center in anticipation of the forthcoming Newshounds Off-Topic Convention later this month. The candidate – stunning in a lime-green halter-top gown with matching shawl, his latest wig styled in a fetching schoolmarm up-do punctuated with a large rhinestone flag pin – opened with the following prepared remarks:

(accepting a jello shot from popular Club entertainer “Marita Bonita”)

Good evening, my dear friends! It’s simply marvelous to see such an excited turnout here tonight! I’m sure it’s all because of me and not the two-for-one appetizers or the Midori martinis. ANYWAY, just in a moment of seriousness, I’ve called you all here tonight because I sincerely believe that we, U.S. Americans, such as, must seize this critical moment in our history to make a choice that will forever alter the face of this nation and the level of respect and dignity in which we are held around the globe.

Now, we’ve all seen how shamefully the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, has been treated by the corporate media. The disrespect of expecting someone in that position to understand the Bush Doctrine, the unmitigated gall of asking what qualifications living in a state near Russia confer on one’s foreign policy chops, and above all the absolute snub of Charlie Gibson's failure to open the nominee’s first one-on-one interview with the traditional exclamation “Darling, what are you wearing? – you look simply divine!”

Well, I say it’s time to put a stop to this rank brutality. No moose-hunter should have to endure such relentless grilling by the wolfpack media – not even from a low-flying plane.

I would like to offer the Republican ticket a graceful way out of this dilemma.

Senator McCain….pick me! Ooh, please, pretty pretty please, pick ME!!

A pit bull with lipstick? Honey, that’s a look I invented. Global expertise? Can anyone forget my heroic efforts to rescue RALPH from the Royal Ottawa Hospital in godless, socialistic Canada earlier in this campaign? Talking about energy? Well, anyone who has seen my cabaret act knows that I put out enough juice to singlehandedly power any small rural town on the tundra you care to name. And forget about earmarks – any ticket involving Konservo will be heavy on the earrings.

You want reform? Well, just imagine the kind of change I could bring to the GOP ticket. A little fashion reform, for a start! Did you see what Cindy was wearing on the first non-night of the convention in dear old Minneapolis/St. Paul, home of my favorite airport restroom? Hel-LO, Rhinestone Cowgirl, if you’re going to shell out that much on a dress then for heaven’s sake go for a look that doesn’t scream Flash Gordon Bimbo! No, a Konservo-influenced administration will bring in some fresh talent, Project Runway-style, to garb the Cabinet. I’m thinking Christian Siriano for domestic policy, and for foreign policy something more restrained and structured, maybe a little Rami Kashou. With a few special outfits from that crazy woman who spit-marks her patterns, just to keep things interesting, for the U.N. Ambassador…who will after all have to stand up to Paris couture and international scrutiny. You can't go up against Chanel unprepared and unvetted.

It solves so many problems, Senator McCain. Your trophy veep from Alaska won’t have to continue to undergo the third degree from the Fourth Estate. You’ll still have someone absolutely gorgeous to ogle on the campaign trail (nudge-nudge, wink-wink). I’m supremely confident I can deliver the Log Cabin Republican vote for you, even if I have to persuade them voter by voter (nudge-nudge, wink-wink, again). And after what I’ve already been through in this campaign, I’m absolutely fearless – no media pundit, no opposition candidate, no Sausage-Haus proprietor is too daunting for me to take on!

So, I implore you, Senator. Consider my proposal. And let’s really make history…together.

And now, my friends, before I take some questions from these very uncomfortable-looking reporters, I would like to conclude my remarks with a little song! Maestro?

With this, Konservo grabbed a proffered microphone from Club entertainer “Ms. Phil” and regaled the audience with his own version of “I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General”:

I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President
Embody all that’s evil, yet I cover it with sentiment.
I know the world’s heads of state from Gordon Brown to Medvedev
With many a histor’cal nod to Stalin, Blair and Gorbachev.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with taxes and th’ economy;
The first, I never pay them, and the second doesn’t bother me.
These people losing jobs and homes, I just tune out their hollers…
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!

(at this point the Polo Club chorus stepped in)
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollarlollars!

I'm very good at marking ears and lining lobbyists’ pockets,
And stonewalling subpoenas that would put my staff in dockets.
In short, when it involves a Unitary Executive precedent,
I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President!

Konservo then seated himself on the Polo Club’s massive bar, showing a tempting quantity of leg as “Marita” poured him a generous margarita, and settled in to take reporters’ questions. A detailed transcript of the explosive Q&A will follow this breaking news report in due course.