Friday, August 22, 2008

ARMAGEDDON: SIX DAYS AND COUNTING

Is the date for the Rapture set? RALPH appears to think so.

It appears that the heavily favored Troll Party candidate for President lost interest in the campaign after Senator Clinton was defeated in the primaries. He abruptly deserted his "Morning After" road show, leaving his partner, the Reverend Thomas P. Zacharias of Bedlam Junction, Pennsylvania, to pay the hotel bills. Taking no further part in the campaign, he withdrew to his fortified retreat in the mountains of Montana and started obsessing about the Irish.

Now, however, it seems that Senator Clinton’s intention to play a role in next week’s Democratic convention has revived his fervor for the End of Days.

"In RALPH’s theology, Clinton’s presence is essential for the Rapture to take place," says the noted RALPHologist, Canon Simeon Infarct-Smith of the Church of St.-Michael’s-Up-the-Creek in Rumball, New Jersey. "Therefore, when she apparently ceased to be a political player, the thought of at least four more un-Raptured years threw RALPH into despair. Now, the prospect of her presidency has raised his hopes."

He puts it this way in his latest blog entry:

IF THE RAPTURE OCCURS BEFORE THURSDAY, AUGUST 28TH, THE NEWLY-RAPTURE-READY SENATOR OBAMA WILL BE RAPTURED ALONG WITH SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN AND AMERICAS GREATEST PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH AND VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY LEAVING PIAPS TO RUN UNOPPOSED IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!!!

BY DEFAULT, NANCY PELOSI WOULD BECOME "PRESIDENT" UNTIL PIAPS WINS UNOPPOSED IN NOVEMBER TO BE SWORN-IN ON JANUARY 19, 2009, TO START THE FIRST CHAPTER OF THE MORNING AFTER!!!!

He does qualify the predictions by saying, STILL MUCH IS SPECULATIVE AT THIS POINT!!!!!! However, sources close to the Candidate claim he doesn’t believe his own qualifier. "He’s getting ready for the Rapture," said Sonny White. "He really thinks it’s coming next Thursday."

But Moment-Man Jesse Earl Pickin, spokesman for arch-rival California Blat, says, "There ain’t no Army-Geddin comin’ on Thursday. That’s a pile o’ crap. He ain’t gonna git outta the campaign that easy."

We’ll be counting down the days...

1 comment:

et said...

Canon Simeon Infarct-Smith of the Church of St.-Michael’s-Up-the-Creek in Rumball, New Jersey

An instant chortle-worthy classic, madame!