Thursday, May 22, 2008

RALPH’s Vision for Border Control Catches Fire (Literally)

With the Democratic Party’s nomination battle between Senators Clinton and Obama headed into overtime, scant attention has been focused on the RALPH campaign since the Troll Party Town Hall earlier this spring. Does that mean the candidate has been idle, coasting lazily into an all-but-certain nomination on a string of dull speeches punctuated with a laconic and insincere “my friends” every half-dozen words or so? No, indeed – in his trademark style, RALPH has blazed forward, taking his message of radical foreign policy and border control overhaul to convenience store after convenience store throughout the sparsely-populated regions of the Upper Midwest, straight to the heart of his dedicated (if deeply and fundamentally confused) constituency.

RALPH’s most recent stump speech at the Shop-n-Save Laundromat & Deli adjoining the Sinclair station in Ottertail, Minnesota outlined his “TEN ESSENTIALS FOR ESTABLISHING AMERICA’S RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WORLD.” He delivered this barn-burner of a speech from the artfully-staged bed of a flatbed pickup truck as Sonny White, Sonny Green and Sonny Black sat on the bumper whittling themselves new sets of teeth (knotty pine) while Campaign Blat, stoned on vitamins, sulked in the van.

“COULTER PLAN! COULTER PLAN!” shouted RALPH repeatedly.

Ida Rose Svensdottir, sorting her lights from her darks as the speech began, shrugged. “I don’t give a fig for what he says he’ll do about horses,” she commented to a fellow laundromat patron (apparently mis-hearing his reference as to a “colt-er” plan). “He just better not get any of that muck from that truck on my linens. Also, I’m much more interested in his economic stimulus package. I could barely pay to drive here to do my laundry after the kickback check from the current administration.”

As RALPH moved on to his plans for defensive barriers at both the southern and northern borders of the United States, his message fell on more enthusiastic ears in the form of Lars Svensson, a long-time resident of Ottertail who is a regular at the Tuesday foot-long-sub-combo-special at the Deli. “I completely get what he’s saying about the Doberman patrols along the Canadian border. Might stop them lining up on the other side most weekends, brandishing hockey sticks and taunting us about weak beer. The alligators on the Mexican border, well, I don’t know if that makes a whole lotta sense given the risk of poachers trying to shoot them for a new pair of boots. But I leave that to the experts.” Although not in a position to donate financially to the RALPH campaign, Lars did offer to share the Fritos from his combo with the campaign team, even as the campaign displayed the composite image shown above, outlining their border plan.

But the rally really kicked into high gear as RALPH prepared to address his grievances regarding Ulster and the Vatican. Not because of RALPH’s often inflammatory rhetoric, but thanks to a sudden

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in the bank of tumble dryers at the Shop-n-Save.

Ida Rose emerged through a cloud of smoke, screaming for assistance. “The third Speed Queen down just blew completely up! Somebody call the fire department!”

Lars, sniffing the air experimentally, commented that the combination of flame and the chemicals in a box of Bounce would result in a toxic cloud that could make Three Mile Island look like a picnic, and advised bystanders to clear the area in an orderly manner.

RALPH reacted to the incident with the cool, calm leadership qualities we all look for in a Chief Executive.

He leapt down from the flatbed screaming:

“PIAPS!!!! IT’S PIAPS!!!!!!


and at this point he disappeared underneath the flatbed, crawling rapidly on hands and knees away from the conflagration.

The three Sonny Brothers placidly continued to whittle, Sonny Black occasionally distance-spitting in an apparent attempt to reach the newspaper vending machine bolted to the concrete outside the now flaming Shop-n-Save.

But before a panicked Ida Rose could reach the highway-side phone booth to call 9-1-1, an unexpected figure pulled into the Sinclair station with unmistakable flair and a circular skid that would have done any Hollywood stuntman proud.

Yes, it was California Blat himself who emerged from the cab of his red-white-and-blue pickup (to which not a grain of dust adhered), his guitar slung across his back and his legendary baseball cap covering his rapidly balding pate. Swinging his instrument easily into place (settle down, now, gentle reader; that’s not the instrument I meant!) he strummed an opening chord and sang:

I didn’t start the fire,
But now that it’s burning
Time I was returning;
I didn’t start the fire,
No, I didn’t light it,
But I’m here to fight it!

And with that musical pronouncement, California Blat swept his baseball cap off and beat back the flames with it, leaving snowdrop petals wherever it landed and ensuring that Ida Rose’s precious percale sheets not only retained their luxurious hand in the wake of the disaster, but were also perfectly pressed and folded. One final, triumphant chord resulted in the entire Shop-n-Save gleaming with a new coat of paint, a repaired Slurpee machine, and the welcome disappearance of Starburst Fruit Chews from the snack aisle.

The Sonnys leapt to their feet in applause, Ida Rose hugged California Blat while cuddling her pillowcases, and Lars acknowledged grudging admiration, allowing as how maybe he could vote for a guy who would singlehandedly fight deli/laundromat fires so courageously, alligators or no alligators...though he would have to weigh heavily such a candidate’s stand on Dobermans.

RALPH could be heard to quietly bleat from beneath the flatbed: “CHANGING LIVES! ON THE MARCH!! YES!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!!!!

California Blat took a step nearer and strummed a threatening D-Minor chord, and RALPH subsided.

Vaulting back into the cab of his pickup, California Blat sang his farewell:

Well, since that RALPHIE’s speeches
Ain’t so much to recall,
I hope that you all will vote for me
At election time this fall…
Coz I am a hero, baby,
A great big hero,
And RALPH is a zero, yes he is.

On that note – literally – California Blat was off as he had come, wheeling into the distance with theatrical flair.

By the time RALPH had emerged from under the flatbed, peering cautiously from side to side in fear of PIAPS’ minions, Ida Rose had long since returned home with her lemon-fresh laundry, Lars had consumed his combo and departed for parts unknown, the Sonny Brothers were asleep on the flatbed – one of them mumbling/humming “I’m proud to be an Okie from Muskogee” while deep in REM – and Campaign Blat appeared to have taken the van and left them stranded overnight.

As this reporter left the scene, RALPH was doggedly placing printouts from “The Morning After” under windshields of the vehicles parked near the Shop-n-Save…apparently oblivious to the fact that the area adjacent to the Sinclair Station/Shop-n-Save – littered with vehicles – was, in fact, an automotive salvage yard.

LATE UPDATE: RALPH’s campaign had no comment on the charges of trespassing and vandalism filed today by Joe’s Auto Salvage of Ottertail, MN.


Anonymous said...

That picture with Ralph and the dogs is hilarious.

et said...

Glad you liked it, Count.

RALPH's campaign means so much...what would we do without him, I ask you?

hiram t. peashucker said...

Well, hate ter say I told you so, but look like our man Californy Blat done saved the day AGIN. He's kinda makin a habbit of that. But that's just the kinda dude he is. He were born to save the world.

Why ain't he way up there in the polls? He'd make a helluva lot better Prezdint than that Obammy feller, or even old McNoBrain. We just gotter get the word out better is all.

Konservo said...


I know I said I wouldn't be back, but, I thought y'all might want to investigate this.

I subscribe to RALPH!!!'s feed with Google reader and I found that he had posted this but then taken it down. When I asked him about it he deleted my comment.

Any thoughts?

Donuts A'bumpin said...

Illo and story are tributes to THE MAN???????/THE MYTH!!!!!!!THE MISTAKE that is Ralph. BRAVA!!!!!