Monday, February 4, 2008

Konservo Lagging in Polls as Super Tuesday Dawns

With the surprising success of Ralph's Screaming Glory Tour of The Morning After, as well as a groundswell of support for California Blat in the heartland states, Konservo - once the cross-dressing darling of the Troll Party, poised to wrest the nomination from Ralph's grasp - heads into Super Tuesday at a serious disadvantage. This blogger caught up with the candidate at a combination town hall and karaoke night in Galesburg, Illinois.

The crowd at Showgirls, perhaps dismayed that the usual "Monday Madness" pole dancing night had been interrupted for "polls" of another kind, showed little receptivity to Konservo's campaign platform despite his stunning red sequinned taffeta sheath dress and dramatic up-do. The audience was relatively placid through the candidate's opening rendition of "Born in a Trunk":

I was born in a trunk
At a Troll Campaign stop in Pocatello, Idaho;
It was during the stump speech on a Tuesday
And they swaddled me right up in that day’s Newsday.
When I first saw the light, it was red and angry
Coming from the temperamental crowd;
And when Reagan carried me out to say hello
They told me that I stopped the show.

So I grew up in a crazy world
Of smoky rooms and back-door rooms,
And rooms for snooping ’round behind the scenes.
And I can't forget the endless strings
Of Rovian plots and Yakki’s knots,
And nights without a condom in my jeans…

But it's all in the game and the way you play it
And you've got to play the game, you know,
When you're born in a trunk at a Troll Campaign stop
in Pocatello, Idaho.

Once Konservo began discussing his campaign platform, including such reasonable proposals as off-price designer outlets being within reasonable public transit distances for every American and the summary banning of overalls, the crowd became, as they say, restless. Boos and catcalls met his bold proposition that funding for faith-based initiatives instead be diverted to a new agency built around the principle of Fabulous-Based Funding, which would provide government grants to failed American Idol contestants who failed to advance despite broad popular backing from the viewers.

By the time Konservo got down to health care, foreign policy, infrastructure and government corruption, a faction of the audience was counter-chanting in support of Ralph, to the tune of "Waltzing Matilda":

Bump us some doughnuts, if you have the nuts,
But you've got no nuts, you sorry fair-eee,
So we'll sneer and we'll laugh
As our Ralphie wipes you off the map,
Then you'll be bumping your doughnuts for free!

Red-faced, Konservo stomped offstage at this taunt, in the process ignoring completely the one sober occupant of Showgirls, whose legitimate question regarding climate change went unheeded thanks to the swift, emotional exit.

On a nationwide scale, Konservo's position has fared little better. Campaign insiders say that Konservo had high hopes for an approval "bump" thanks to his recent appearance as a guest on Bravo's fourth season of Project Runway, where a competition late in the challenge was geared around designing him a truly devastating gown for the Troll Party Convention on April 1.

Sadly, the gambit backfired as even the talented remaining designers scrambled to outfit the candidate appropriately. "It's completely NOT what I do," observed Christian; while SweetP commented "If I don't really do menswear, it kind of goes without saying that I don't do womenswear for men! Geez!" The only designer who welcomed the challenge was Chris, who immediately set about prepping an enormous hat which would both complement Konservo's distinctive facial makeup and illustrate his equally distinctive campaign journey. Even Heidi Klum had praise for his miniature rendition of the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa - Konservo's springboard to global attention - and pronounced the designer's work in the challenge not just appropriate, but "wunderbar."

Spokespeople for the Konservo campaign were not responding to press queries as the entourage boarded their VW Westphalia to make for their regional headquarters at the Heart O'Chicago Motel to await the following day's returns.

1 comment:

man of constant sorrow said...

I cried