Saturday, January 12, 2008

Ralph: The Unsung History of Greatness!!!

There are few great men who have shone with the aura of true American patriotism like President-in-waiting Ralph. But how many know the true, deep conviction that this man among men represents? How many know of his upbringing, and the struggles that evolved him to make him the man he is?

A tale that truly needs telling, and one that will soon be in the description of America's Greatest President!

Some years ago:

1: A star is born!

It was the summer of 1965 on a cold winter’s morn, when a little bitty baby-child was born in an Ohio Ghetto. He was a small-built child, but perfect in his smallness. His one feature (and the one that would give him so much pain over the years) was a deformed cranium. His saintly mother, being blessed by Gawd loved him dearly. His father was rather disenchanted with the child, despite having been blessed himself with an immaculate erection with which to create the wonder that would become the President In Waiting. (For quite some time, the President In Waiting’s father was unknown. This biographer, however, has spoken to Ralph and attained permission to print the aforesaid father's identity. It was none other than Dark Lord of the Sith Vader - he who would bring balance to the Force.) They named him Ralphie Georgeous, and his surname was DiddleFiddle.

Ralph DiddleFiddle grew to be a somewhat weak young man. (It has been theorized that this was in fact a ruse perpetrated by Ralph himself, so as to experience what the weak had to endure so as to save them later with his great sacrifice.) Nevertheless, by the time 1969 had rolled in, he was already developing those characteristics that would make him the "great one". It was also in 1969 that he first became acquainted with what he would later scorn, the Libtards.

Local children in his neighborhood were quite cruel to Ralph, due to his misshapen skull. The evil names that flowed from their lips wounded him greatly..."pinhead"..."pokernoggin"..."peckerhead". It was then that he learned what really caused them to tease him mercilessly, from his friend Stubby.(Stubby was also a malformed yet great youth, who had the unfortunate curse of being born a turdbaby with bucked teeth.) Stubby insisted that these children were Liberals, and that they hated all that was good and holy in life. Ralph soon learned through their mercilessness and cruelty that this was the truth.

The neighborhood children constantly gave him grief. He tried to proselytize to them, to give them prophetic knowledge. They laughed. He offered to tutor them in real Conservative values. They derided him. Is there any wonder to the evilness that a liberal represents? To Ralph, there was no doubt. He therefore at that young age rejected Liberalism. Rejected the free love of the Hippie movement(those dirty bastard Satan-worshipping heathens).

Time marched on, and Ralph DiddleFiddle grew into manhood. His teen years were uneventful until the year 1981, when he joined his high school's debate team. A President was elected in that year, a great and noble prophet of the future, named Ronnie Ray-gun. Ralph became enamored with him, and emulated the greatness of the man at every opportunity. The sudden stops in speech, the mysterious memory loss...all those became Ralph's keys in debate. And he was a fluid and fierce debater! One could hear his voice (gravelly, though melodic) echo through the halls:

"ROOSTERFELT WAS A DEMLIB HATER! HE CAN'T EVEN THINK! SOCIALIST! COMMUNIST! FILLED WITH HATE! AMERICA-HATE, FREEDOM-HATE! BWHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"

His opponents would wither under the intensity of his power, and Ralph DiddleFiddle knew he was on his way!

2: Tribulation

Ralph graduated from high school, and eschewed college education due to the dangers of intermingling with evil liberal ideas. Instead he entered the workforce, and through extreme power of will became the manager for a local media conglomerate (The T-Shirt Shack of Ohio). Through his connections he steadily gained momentum in a bid for county constable, and his speech at the local meet and greet was a shining moment for Conservative values:

"I'M HERE FOR ALL THE REAL COMMUNITY CHRISTIANS! WE WILL STOP THOSE LIBTARDED IDEALS! NO MORE MIRANDA! NO MORE WARRANTS! DOWN WITH THE DEMOCRAPS!"

Ralph was quite destroyed however, when he failed to secure the constabulary seat. He brought to attention the hanging chads on ballots, but of course the liberal machine suppressed him. He went back to work, performing his duties with the same dedication, producing the world's greatest t-shirts and sloganeering to the world of liberal evil on them. At night he would immerse himself in "the good book", and speak to Gawd, who quelled Ralph's fears by explaining that soon he would be great among men!

Ralph also became enamored of a local girl, named Phyllus Smegma. They married and began to bring into the world two lovely children, Armageddon and Rapture DiddleFiddle. There was a third child named Ragnarok, who unfortunately was stolen away by Cuban slavers and forced to work on a sugar cane plantation. Ralph and Phyllus never laid eyes on him again. When I asked Ralph his feelings on Ragnarok he stated:

"HE'S A DEMLIB!!! HE CAN'T EVEN THINK! A DIRTY CASTRO LOVING LIBOTARD!!!!"

When I pointed out that the child could hardly help being abducted, Ralph explained the situation to me:

"HE COULD HAVE LEFT ANYTIME! BUT HE CAN'T EVEN THINK!"

Duly chastised, I left him to his pain on the subject and moved on.

Armageddon and Rapture were the light in Ralph's heart, and to keep an uncaring public from belittling them over their shortcomings (both have watermelon heads) he hid them away in a forest retreat deep in Ohio's woodland. There he returned to working t-shirts and studying to become America's Greatest President.

3: The evil that PIAPS do.

In 1992, Ralph was an industrious man. Still managing the Ohio Branch T-shirt Shack, he had collected a vast nest egg for a campaign bid (some $240) and had bought the prerequisite suit and tie. Knowing he was far too late to be in the race that year, he watched the election vigorously, noting the tactics and demeanor of all and scoping out the libtards wherever he could.

It was there that he saw her. She was sitting behind her husband, the Libtard Democraptic candidate. She wasn't that large of a woman like his dear Phyllus, nor did she have the humongous cauliflower ears of his beloved wife. Ralph was smitten. He vowed this pant-suited vixen would be his, and promptly began studying Mormonism in a bid to change his religious directions. After finding that polygamy was not allowed to Mormons anymore, he threw all caution to the wind and sought this woman as his own, this Hillary Clinton.

Ralph withdrew his campaign funds from the savings account and, taking the money, bought a bus ticket for Arkansas where he knew she and that LIBTARD husband of hers lived other than Washington. Telling Phyllus and the girls he was off to a Sweater convention, he boarded the bus for the long crawl to Arkansas, a song in his heart. He arrived four days later and began to seek his newfound love out.

Finding the Clinton home was not easy but he was a determined man. Sneaking around the back in a black uniform and mask, he avoided those CIA men(good Americans all!) to approach the rear windows of the house. Jimmying a lock, he crawled into a parlor and waited. Soon she arrived and though he thought he should wait, he immediately popped up and began espousing his undying devotion. Even though she was a "LIBTARD'S WIFE!" To his horror, she not only spurned him but called those agents to take him away.

After questioning him at length, the CIA and the now evil "PIAPS!!!" released him into the street(it has been speculated that they called him a “masturbating nutcase with PIAPS derangement syndrome”, but this has never been proven). He howled into the night his anger and sexual frustration:

"I'LL GET YOU MY PIAPS! AND YOUR LIBTARD HUSBAND TOO!"

Ralph caught the bus as quickly as he could to distance himself from his shame. Four days later he returned home, his tears fully dried and the vengeance of the righteous in his heart. Phyllus was angry, yet she understood his desire for power and forgave him. Ralph however, could not forgive the evil woman who took his heart.

4: It protects from the Liberalness.

Ralph became fixated on the Clintons and their evil. He knew for a fact that they were spying on him now. He knew that PIAPS' libtard husband feared his manly prowess. Then one day he had an epiphany whilst inspecting his cone shaped cranium in the mirror.

A box of Reynolds Wrap later, he could finally plot in peace.

He began to scrimp and save for another bid at the presidency. This time he would not be denied! Working in his basement, surrounded by his arsenal and his Pit Bulls, he thought manly thoughts as hard as he could think. Finally after 7 years of waiting he knew what he must do.....

HE MUST GO VIRAL ON THE INTERNET!

He bought a computer. In that year the Libtard was facing off against a real American by the name of George Bush. Ralph was in a quandry, as here was a man who fit Ralph in almost every way. Some ISLAMOFASCISTS attacked America in the first year of this newcomer's watch, and Ralph was stunned by the honorable and incredibly decisive actions taken. Certainly it stung Ralph to hear him being called "America's Greatest President", but that soon passed as war was instigated in two areas of the world that were filled with FREEDOM-HATERS.

Ralph began to pray unceasingly to Gawd for what to do. Days upon days passed whilst Ralph sought his Gawd's directive. All he could do was make T-shirts and pray. He didn't even stop to bathe (As acknowledged by coworkers which this biographer spoke to. As one coworker who knew Ralph day to day would tell me, "He's a fucking nasty son of a bitch. I hope he dies."). After 3 months of solid seeking, Ralph had his answer! This was the John the Baptist to his Christ! This man, this Bush, was the precursor to Ralph's conquering of the great libtard nation! He would support him fully.

Ralph got up, turned on his computer and began to berate those evil libtards. He praised this Bush, supported his every action. Even the fart-lighting was needed:

"IT'S INCENSE TO GAWD! AMERICA'S (SECOND) GREATEST PRESIDENT! YOU LIBTARDS CAN'T EVEN THINK! GAWD-HATE, FREEDOM-HATE!...."

Even so, Ralph realized that this president had flaws. He was not the perfection that Ralph was. Ralph continued his support however, knowing that he was building his name and base. Eight years rolled by while Ralph studiously defended and lauded this second best man, while he built his empire.

Then in 2008, the election came round and Ralph decided that he no longer needed the old remnants of his former life. He emulated a Libtard he'd read about, and made his name monosyllabic (PRINCE). From that time on, he was no longer Ralph DiddleFiddle, but just RALPH the PROPHET!

Ralph now has a rabid following, and his bid for the presidency of America is coming to fruition. Like a weed growing through the tough concrete of Ohio's ghetto, he's standing tall for all that is RIGHT and HOLY in America.


5: In closing.

In the writing of this piece, I have been approached by many Democraps asking me some of the most foolish questions. Like:

"Who is RALPH?"

"Is he insane?"

"Why does he have a tinfoil hat?"

But the most incredible question, the most foolish, is the one that was asked me by a young Demotard in Montana:

"What makes you think he can defeat us, the LIBTARD ARMY?"

Such a moronic question deserves no answer, but I gave him the truth anyway to teach this socialist-commie demon:

"BECAUSE RALPH SAYS SO! LIBTARDS CAN'T EVEN THINK!"

And with that, I hail America's Greatest President in Waiting!

5 comments:

etqiezyaux said...

A superb debut, Yakki - one which does a whole lot to explain Ralph's uniquely personal imbalances... :)

et said...

Damn! That's what I get for typing the word verification in the wrong space!! LOL

wee nelson said...

Great stuff, Yakki! Welcome to the blog!

Mind you, I always thought Ralph was a virgin...

Yakki.Psd said...

We know more about our ralph,but his strength,power and righteousness will always be an enigma.

That and whether or not his momma was on crack while she carried him. Considering that pointy noggin,it's a possibility.

Count Istvan said...

This should be required reading in our schools!