It has finally come to this, dear friends. Trump has bailed. Daniels is no longer in it to win it. Huckabee has jumped the riverboat. We have remaining the failure-prone field of Cain, Pawlenty, and perhaps Santorum..the latter of whose canine Google issues doom him from the outset.
Oh, and Gingrich, already tripping over his own feet.
The less said about Sarah Palin’s bus tour, the better, at this point. Perhaps she and Ralph will find true love and she’ll be our next gun-totin’, moose-obliteratin’ First Lady.
But, there is no viable alternative, our faithful brethren. No possible course other than this.
We must revive the campaign to bring our One True Saviour to the pinnacle of government, aided and abetted by his able and worthy comrades.
The RAPTURE RALPH FOR PRESIDENT campaign must rise again!!!!
Sales of the RALPH/BLAT commemorative coin set having been sparse at best, our first effort must be to fill the campaign coffers apace. Toward that end, Konservo, coming off a very successful turn as a Munchkin in the ongoing Broadway run of Wicked, has contributed a nest egg from which he will match every donation to the JIHAD-LOVING Newshounds site between now and the end of June 2011…assuming nobody gets unexpectedly Raptured during that time. But dear Konservo’s funds will not go to that effort, my friends. Oh, no, indeed. Every penny of his treasure hoard will fund the resurgence of our Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – our long-lost but never-forgotten RALPH and BLAT.
And what of these paragons, during the interval since their last sighting?
RALPH has spent much of his time closeted with Harold Egbert Camping (yes, it’s really his middle name...which explains so much, in a way) in the otherwise godless enclave of California’s Bay Area, poring over Scripture and bashing madly at their outdated paper-tape calculators, seeking the precise mathematical formula to forecast the Rapture correctly for the masses…well, and occasionally going in for a professional de-lousing. (And don’t let RALPH’s disclaimers of non-involvement sway you, either: there are too many sightings of deliveries to the Family Radio offices of Peet’s Coffee laced with ten sugars and garlic to be explained by anything other than the presence of RALPH and the Sonnys.) True, he has stepped aside occasionally to rail against his Irish nemeses…but that was only when Camping was having a nap, so that’s OK. And, besides, they now have until October, if you hadn’t heard. So don’t cancel plans for that Labor Day fundraising BBQ.
As for BLAT, there is the usual confusion between Campaign Blat and California Blat to be reckoned with. Reports have come in that Campaign Blat has been spotted in various Wisconsin venues, using his Google Street View van to track the movements of opponents of Governor Scott Walker, whilst still occasionally lapsing into show tunes under his breath. California Blat, meanwhile, has been reportedly attending events sponsored by the Malibu Film Society and hanging ten at the beach. We feel sure, however, that one or perhaps both of them will materialize once the campaign catches fire anew. Neither of them could ever resist the spotlight.
Konservo? Well, if anything, he’s been the most in evidence of them all, and intelligence suggests that he is in discussions with TLC to develop a new reality show called Konservo’s Fabulous Friends, in which he cultivates a dozen different individuals not unlike himself, tragically eliminating one each week following such challenges as drag-queen dressing, the toilet-brush tango, and crafting the ultimate canape/cocktail combo, until he finds his soulmate. Despite this intelligence, however, we are confident that he will be able to juggle this endeavor with the demands of the campaign trail.
Are you WITH us, friends? Let’s give the White House the leader it deserves. RALPH and BLAT resurgent – Lunatic Candidates for a Crazy World – on the trail officially for 2012!