Thursday, June 2, 2011

RALPH Takes to America's Roadways!

Candidate RALPH is wasting no time launching his 2012 effort. Inspired in part by Sarah Palin's bus tour, which has already taken her from the Rolling Thunder motorcycle event to airport-ready chain pizza with "The Donald" in Times Square, RALPH is taking to the road in a style more uniquely his own.

The 2008 campaign van having been scrapped following a series of mishaps - the final, most fatal one involving a cotton candy machine, a backhoe and three goats of questionable provenance - the Sonnys held a meat draw to raise funds for a new campaign vehicle. $700 and 15 pounds of ground chuck later, the campaign's prayers were answered in the form of a vintage Airstream trailer which could be hitched to the Sonnys' pickup to ensure that the candidate could travel in air-conditioned comfort.

RALPH's first demand was that the side of the trailer be painted trompe l'oeil style (although of course he didn't use that phrase, but said, in so many words, THAT CRAZY SPELLING FRENCH STUFF THAT MAKES THINGS LOOK LIKE OTHER THINGS, BUT I WON'T SAY THAT BECAUSE I'M ALL ABOUT THE FRENCH-HATE, IRISH-HATE, GUINNESS-HATE, BERETS-HATE, EUROPE-HATE...) with the image of a fierce attack dog, to demonstrate to supporters on the campaign trail just how serious a defense policy he has in mind for the USA. Readers of this blog will remember the border wall with Dobermans, moat and alligators.

The results were less than satisfying, but all that the campaign can afford until the donation machine churns up into high gear.

Additional decor requested by RALPH included the pasta and white goods prominently depicted on the sides of the trailer, as well as the American flag which will stream out after the trailer en route. Unfortunately, the massive size that RALPH requested proved incompatible with the requirement to keep the flag from touching the, at the end of the day, the campaign had to settle for a small desk flag and a bicycle bell.

On the interior, the RALPH trailer is also sumptuously appointed, including genuine Naugahyde upholstery in the dining and lounging area. Repurposed carpeting was acquired at bargain rates from a Howard Johnson's renovation in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. And a splendid folding metal chair was retrieved from a dumpster and spray-painted red, white and blue to facilitate seating for RALPH's no doubt numerous autograph sessions.

Whichever BLAT eventually joins the campaign will be sleeping on an air mattress in the Sonnys' pickup's bed.

And what route, you ask, will this epic vehicle be taking?

Read future posts and discover, Grasshopper. RALPH can be cagier even than Sarah Palin. And certainly yet more unpredictable.


Anonymous said...

RALPH goes Kerouac!

California Blat said...

Whichever BLAT joins the campaign...?

Let me tell you, RalphyFan, if RALPH wants me for his running mate, he'll have to do better than a decaying air mattress in the back of the Sonnys' pickup. Last time I climbed into that truck I spent a whole week decontaminating.

I'll insist on at least my own Airstream. Otherwise, I do have that magic baseball cap - if I wanted I could conjure myself a bus-sized RV complete with hot tub, fully stocked bar, king-sized vibrating bed, and sound-surround stereo system with 64" HDTV. I don't think RALPH would want me showing him up like that, do you?

Best he go talk to Campaign BLAT. That spineless little weed would sleep in the pickup even without a mattress, and think he was honored. But I love him. I LOVE THE WORLD!!!!