Super Duper RALPH!

Super Tuesday and the primaries that followed were indeed Super for RALPH. He took the majority of states. Only in Louisiana did Konservo post a victory. California and Arizona went solidly to California Blat, even though he’s still an undeclared candidate; as did Tennessee and Georgia, where the Moment-Men campaigned vigorously on his behalf. (New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts don't count as there are no trolls in those states.)

RALPH's main drawing card continues to be the Zacharias family's dramatization of his magnum opus, The Morning After. Here is a faithful transcript of a performance that took place somewhere in Oklahoma:

An upstairs sitting room in the White House. Late in the evening of the same day as the previous scenes. A small table, two easy-chairs and a big-screen TV (actually a large cardboard frame with a curtain drawn over it.) PIAPS and JANET RENO are sitting in the easy chairs with their feet up, sipping wine.

PIAPS: Boy, I’m glad that peace-treaty dinner’s over. Osama has to be the world’s biggest bore. Does he ever talk about anything but jihad? And I wish he’d shampoo that beard at least once in a year.
RENO: But at least you have put an end to war with him.
PIAPS: True. And signed a trade treaty too. Once I’ve legalized opium, we can flood the country with Afghanistan’s number one export product and keep Americans smiling and happy.
RENO: And best of all - you don’t have to spend all that money on the war effort.
PIAPS: You know what the worst part of the evening was? Missing the O’Reilly Factor. I was dying to see how well my experiment went. Pour me another glass; I’m going to watch the tape right now.

She picks up a remote control and flicks it. The curtain on the TV draws back, revealing BILL O’REILLY and ANN COULTER (played by Ezekiel Zacharias). COULTER is wearing a low-cut black dress with a large cross around her neck.

O’REILLY: Welcome to the Factor. I’d like to welcome Ann Coulter back to my show tonight. Ann, why are you wearing that godawful black dress?
COULTER: It should be obvious. I’m in mourning for the death of America, and all it stands for.
O’REILLY: Completely hypocritical - wearing a cross along with that tight little dress. But that’s typical for a floozy like you. I don’t know why I keep having you on my show. Go on, talk.
COULTER: Clinton’s victory is the triumph of everything you and I hate...
O’REILLY: Speak for yourself, lady. Clinton’s victory is the best thing that ever happened to America. Only idiots like you don’t realize that.
COULTER: WHAT!? What in God’s name have you been drinking?
O’REILLY: Look, President Clinton is the savior of this country. She’s already brought us peace by signing that treaty with Bin Laden; she’s outlawed all churches and thus saved America from sectarian violence; and she’s going to give global warming and gay rights and gun control the attention they deserve. I’m surprised at you, trashing her like that after swearing you’d vote for her.
COULTER: I never did! What’s come over you?
O’REILLY: You’re just too full of hate, you right-wing mattress-warmer. AMERICA-HATE, DEMOCRAT-HATE, SOCIAL-JUSTICE-HATE, INCLUSIVENESS-HATE, PUBLIC-RADIO-HATE, NEWSHOUNDS-HATE, ONE-WORLD-HATE, PAUL-KRUGMAN-HATE, NORWAY-HATE, PEACE-HATE, BRING-THE-TROOPS-HOME-HATE, UNIVERSAL-HEALTH-CARE-HATE, ENVIRONMENTAL-RESPONSIBILITY-HATE, AL-GORE-HATE, ROSIE-O’DONNELL-HATE, SAME-SEX-MARRIAGE-HATE, UNITED-NATIONS-HATE, SANITY-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!
COULTER: Look here, you -
O’REILLY: Just shut up! I mean it, just SHUT UP! Cut her mike! CUT HER MIKE!!!

COULTER rises and lunges for O’REILLY’s throat; but two pirates elbow onto the screen and drag her away, screaming and kicking.

O’REILLY: Whew. Thanks, Newshounds of the Caribbean; the air smells a lot cleaner now. Stay tuned for my next guest - the Prime Minister of Canada, Mr. Rick Mercer, who is looking forward to exporting his country’s brand of health-care to the US.

The curtain is drawn over the TV. PIAPS and RENO high-five one another.

PIAPS: It’s wonderful! Better than I dreamed! Oh, Janet, I’ve never been so happy. I’ll take the peace dividend and spend it on re-programming! If I can do it to Bill O’Reilly I can do it to the whole world!

Curtain falls. RALPH comes out on stage and gives rant about how only he can save America from this scenario.

Rumor has it that RALPH will soon hold a press conference to discuss his platform, his amazing comeback, and the threat from California Blat. It’s rumored that he will be joined by young Zipporah Zacharias, who plays Clinton’s topless aide Taryn in the dramatizations. THAT ought to bring the reporters out!