Lephari on the Warpath

We have finally managed to trace the wherabouts of RALPH's fantastical clone, Prophet Lephari, last seen as the unappreciative guest of the Newshounds of the Caribbean.

As usual, his adventures are of epic proportions. Read on...

(Invocation:)

Of mad Lephari’s frenzied wanderings
Sing, glorious Muse; inspire my feeble pen
With fantasies bizarre and marvellous!

(The narrative commenceth...)

Across the broad Atlantic sails a ship,
Bearing the Jolly Roger on its mast.
It is the "Snakeskin Bentley", and its crew,
The famous Newshounds of the Caribbean!
Upon the deck a mound of treasure gleams,
The plunder of their celebrated prize,
The cruise ship of the National Review.
The culinary plunder - surf and turf,
Sweet petit-fours and wines extraordinaire -
Are being shared among the pirate crew;
And special brownies, from the oven hot,
Are served about by beaming PbDs.
The pirates, in high glee, do laugh and sing:

"Oh pass the bottles round!

To Hartford we are bound!

To party on

At the Newshound Con

Till we pass out on the ground!”

Silent upon the deck Lephari stands,
Aloof from all the glee and merriment.
Leaning upon the plunder, moodily
He stares out at the emptiness of sea.
“Come, have a brownie!” urges Jolly Nell.
He picks one up and downs it wordlessly.

All of a sudden, from his pallid lips
There comes a shriek that echoes ‘cross the sea:
“ALAS!!! A SUDDEN VISION COMES UPON ME!!!
AND HIDEOUS THE HORRORS I BEHOLD!!!
FOR DEEP BENEATH THE TOWERS OF NEW YORK
A VILE CONSPIRACY IS BEING HATCHED!!!
THERE, HIDDEN IN THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH,
CONSORT THE LIBYANS AND THE FENIANS
AND ALL THE LEGIONS OF THE CHURCH OF ROME,
ALL BOWING SLAVISHLY BEFORE THE FEET
OF HER WHOSE NAME IS VOMIT ON MY TONGUE -
THE LOATHSOME PIAPS, DOUGHNUT-BUMPING SKANK!!!
HELP!!! NEW YORK CITY MUST BE WARNED AT ONCE -
I PRITHEE TAKE ME THERE - NO TIME TO LOSE!!!

The pirates laugh. “No fornicating way!
We’re bound for Hartford; we’ll no detours make!”
Lephari screams and raves - to no avail -
In fury snatches from the pile of loot
A silver coffee creamer; squeezes it
While mumbling: “Libtard PIAPS-loving scum!
I wish I were in New York City now,
To save its people!”

Lo! With rush of wind

The Bentley disappears! Before him now
The towers of Manhattan shine aloft
While all about him traffic honks and roars.
“Best get onto the sidewalk, friend,” a voice
Beside him says, in drawling Texan tones.
And lo! Behold! A wispy figure clad
In suit and tie, with gleaming toothy smile,
Hovers like cobweb at the creamer’s mouth.
“Praise to the Lord! Your wish is my command!”
Lephari stares astounded; then he asks, “
WHY, WHO ARE YOU? THE GENIE OF THE CREAMER?”
“I am no heathen genie!” snaps the wraith.
“I am a Christian, minion of the Lord;
Because you’re a believer, He has sent
Me to your aid, to grant you Wishes Three.
You’ve taken one already; I’m empow’rd
To grant two more.”

“THE LORD IS ON MY SIDE!!!”

Lephari chortles. “I WILL GO AT ONCE

TO WARN NYPD OF PIAPS’ PLOT,

AND WITH THEIR CHIEF DEVISE GREAT STRATEGIES

OF RESCUE!!! TREMBLE, SKANKY PIAPS VILE!!!

THE CULTURE WAR IS ON!!!!”

(...to be continued)