Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Own a Piece of RALPH History!

With the heated Troll Party recount in American Samoa at last drawing to a close - and showing a decided preference for "A Small Ball of String" over the Ralph/Blat 2008 ticket - the campaign has finally conceded defeat in its Presidential hopes this election cycle. As the candidates console themselves with a massive binge on doughnuts and Mountain Dew, however, dedicated staffers are doing their best to retire the massive campaign debt amassed for cheap automobile rentals, emergency-overall-mending, hired security to protect the candidates from enraged liberal mobs armed with marshmallow popguns, and of course Konservo's expansive wardrobe (which, unlike Sarah Palin, he has indicated he has no intention whatsoever of giving back).

A key element in the strategy to reduce the Ralph/Blat 2008 debt is the campaign's push to make their exclusive Ralphie Action Figure the wingnut child's toy of choice this holiday season. The campaign released these key selling points to industry distributors as part of their pitch:

The RALPHIE Action Figure is sure to top every boy's and girl's Santa list this year. An authentic likeness of the notorious Presidential candidate and Americaphile Minister, RALPHIE is a dream come true for your little future College Republican! Check out these exciting features:

* He talks! RALPHIE delivers a selection from his ten favorite catchphrases with every pull of the string. His repertoire includes:

"BWAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"IMPLEMENT THE BEAUTIFUL COULTER PLAN FOR MIDDLE EAST STABILITY!!!!"

"SET THE CAPTIVES FREEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"THE CULTURE WAR IS SO FUCKING ON!!!!"

"PLEASE CALL THE AMERICAPHILE MINISTRIES COUNSELING LINE FOR PRAYER AND WISE COUNSEL!!!!!"

"KEEP AMERICA AND ULSTÈR FREE FROM FENIANISM, DESPOTISM, FIANNA FAIL, ALCOHOLISM, SUPERSTITION, THE AOH, BIGOTRY, IDOLATRY, THE WOLFE TONES, IGNORANCE, GURU MAGGOTS, PATTERNS, GLUE-SNIFFING, ENYA (NEW AGE), INCEST, THE INQUISTION, BUCKFAST, JESUITS, DOMESTIC ABUSE, TERRORISM AND THE MASS!!!!!"

"THEY CAN'T EVEN THINK!!!!"

* The RALPHIE Action Figure comes with our exclusive Ralphie-Sprinkle'otron Action for authentic doughnut-bumping. Add some Play-Doh from your existing Fuzzy Pumper playset for even more exciting bumping action - just wind him up and watch him go!

* Keep the RALPHIE fun going with accessories like the Tinfoil Hat action set and, for the ultimate in RALPHIE playtime, the exciting "The Morning After" White House. At one moment it's the staid, formal Lincoln Bedroom, then click! - it's ready for all the fun RALPHIE hijinks you love. Add on Taryn's Womyn's Sweatlodge for even more exciting playtime options! (Your sister's Barbies will never be the same again!)

* For a limited time only, past donors to the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign can have their RALPHIE Action Figure signed by the candidate himself, for only an additional $89.95, plus the cost of the Action Figure ($29.95), plus shipping and handling ($12.95), plus liability insurance ($124.95) to hold the campaign and the RALPHIE Action Figure manufacturer harmless from all damages, including emotional distress on the part of the recipient of this unique, collectible toy.

* Order now! You won't want to miss your opportunity to own an exciting piece of history like this one!
Campaign staffers declined to offer any data on RALPHIE Action Figure sales to date, but they did say that business from Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia had been particularly brisk, and they hinted that a limited edition pair of Konservo/Sarah Palin dolls might be produced in future, designed for a shared designer wardrobe.

The RALPHIE Action Figure can be ordered direct at 1-800-BUMP-NUT.

6 comments:

Count Istvan said...

I'm going to buy one

et said...

Don't stop there, Count! Surely you'll want one to play with now and one to save for future collectors to bid rabidly on?

BWAHHHHHHHHH!!!! As they say...

klaatu said...

Wowser ! Now I can re-enact "The Morning After" with a couple GI Joes, Barbie,Midge,cross dressing Ken as Konservo-guest appearance and Ralph as....Ralph

Mojopo said...

Want! One to play with, one to save and one to chain to my bumper and drive over railroad tracks at a high speed. Whoopie!

IRave4Ralph said...

Yes yessss! I will buy a hundred Ralphy Action Figures! I will send them to all my friends along with a box of Bumpin Donuts (with sprinkles). I will leave them on windshields along with copies of The Morning After! I will leave them on street corners and in churches. To every nook and cranny of America I will spread the word....

Ralph 2012! Ralph 2012! Ralph 2012!

klaatu said...

Don't you mean "RALPH/PALIN 2012 IRAVE4RALPH ?