"If You Want Bill, Give us RALPH", Pirates Demand

We are trying to find out RALPH's reaction to being named in a ransom demand originating somewhere off the coast of Jamaica.

According to news reports, pirates ransacked the National Review cruise ship on Hallowe’en night and kidnapped its keynote speaker, talk-show host Bill O’Reilly. The ship itself docked in Kingston, Jamaica on Thursday morning, and the country’s newspapers are still plastered with photos of the well-fed and blue-rinsed passengers coming ashore clad only in their underwear. "How the Mighty have Fallen!" trumpeted the Jamaica Daily Star. (Michelle Malkin is fighting to suppress the photo of herself in a leopard-skin string bikini and six-inch heels. "They aren’t mine," she claims. "The pirates made me put them on.")

A group calling itself the Newshounds of the Caribbean has claimed responsibility. Yesterday the group released a grainy video of Mr. O’Reilly, bound and gagged and clad only in loofahs. Its spokesman, who went by the name of "IB Blackheart", has made the following demands in exchange for Mr. O’Reilly’s release:

• President Bush must wear Mickey Mouse ears during his next state appearance;
• Dick Cheney must appear on The View, and sing "Feelings" while hugging a Teddy Bear; and
• RALPH must be included in all Presidential debates, both Democrat and Republican.

We have not yet heard the Candidate’s reaction to being named in the pirates’ demands. He was last seen somewhere in western Kansas, presumably on his way to Arizona for a showdown with California Blat; however, he has not appeared in public since the California fires began. According to Campaign Blat he is hiding in a bunker in an undisclosed location, guarded by seven Rotweilers and twenty-four security cameras. "He knows what a target he is. Those of us who risk our lives on a daily basis doing this important and vital work must protect ourselves from PIAPS' agents."

We’ll let you know as soon as we learn more.