Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Lephari and the Pirate Raid


Tis midnight on the Caribbean Sea.
The cruise ship of the National Review
Lies dark and quiet ‘neath a sultry moon.
The passengers have knelt and thanked their Lord
That they are white, American and rich,
And now they sleep and dream they rule the world.
So deep asleep, they're fully unaware
That in the darkest hours of the night
The Snakeskin Bentley slithers alongside,
And Newshound PbDs and PsDs
Throw grappling-hooks attached to hempen ladders
Up to the cruise-ship’s rails, and start to climb.
Lo! Foremost, with a cutlass in his teeth,
Goes Jonathan the Terror of the Seas,
Though youngest, not the least in fortitude.
And close behind him climb ET the Blue,
Robosa with his monkey, Flying Roachman,
And all the Newshounds of the Caribbean,
All softly chanting, "Get O’Reilly's ass."

Meanwhile, Lephari, locked inside the hold,
Rants loud, and shrieks, and hammers on the door.
"WAKE UP, ALL YE WHO LOVE AMERICA!!!
THE VILE AND STINKING LIBTARDS ARE UPON YOU!!"
But Dead-Eye Ori’s cast a spell of silence
Upon the hold, and only Baskerville,
The tireless Newshound guard, can hear his voice.
At last he gives it up, and screams no more.
He finds his keys, forgotten in his pocket,
Upon a key-chain with a tiny flashlight.
He turns it on, and scans his prison cell.
My God, it’s full of loot! He’s sitting on
A pile of gold doubloons! He’s leaning on
A seven-foot TV, and at his feet
Lie jewels in profusion. He can stuff
Whole handfuls in his pockets (which he does.)
And, noticeably plain among the bling,
He finds a terra-cotta pottery shard,
The rim perhaps of long-lost bowl or jar.
He picks it up, and much to his surprise,
He sees engraved upon it, bold and black,
The three words: JARLSBERG. INVERT. COMFORTER.
Though he has no idea what they mean
He puts it in his pocket.
Here they come,
The Newshounds, weighted down with pirate loot!
The cruise ship’s steaming terrified away,
Its passengers stripped to their underwear;
One prisoner they carry, bound and gagged -
‘Tis Bill O’Reilly! Glorious trophy he!
Lephari’s prison opens. "Come on out!"
Says Dead-eye Ori, "And enjoy the feast!
There’s wine and cheese, pate and jumbo shrimp.
There’s veal medallions and a fine risotto,
And you should see the shipload of desserts!
‘Tis food too good to waste on Bill O’Reilly!"
Ah, fain would our Lephari have refused,
But after hours in captivity,
His stomach rumbleth like a gravel truck.
"I’ll eat, and then I’ll save my hero Bill,"
He thinks, and leaves his prison.

On the beach
A merry party’s getting under way.
The air is filled with smell of roasting meat.
Fine wines and pungent brandies go around.
A roaring fire burns its merry way
Through copies of Ann Coulter’s latest book.
The Newshounds, clad in stolen finery,
Are dancing in a circle round the blaze,
While Jolly Nell upon the fiddle saws
And Vermont Davy Jones strums his guitar.
So hungry is Lephari that he grabs
The nearest cheese, and rounds of fresh baguette,
And shoves them in his mouth. But, hunger slaked,
He turns to seek O’Reilly. There he is!
Clad only in a garment made of loofahs,
Bound to a palm tree, gagged with videotape,
Which ever and anon he worketh loose
To yell, "You secular progressive swine,
You let me go! You let me go right now!"
To which the Newshounds holler, "Just shut up!"
"Admit it - you don’t really want to go,"
ET the Blue says sweetly. "Just the fact
That you’re still here means you’re enjoying it.
That’s your own logic." And the Newshounds sing,

Cut his mike and make him listen
Cut his mike and make him listen
Cut his mike and make him listen
Early in the morning.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THIS SAINTLY MAN?"
Lephari cries. ‘YOU JIHAD LIBTARDS VILE!
SO FULL OF HATRED FOR AMERICA!!
OF CHENEY-HATE, AND CONDOLEEZZA-HATE,
JOHN-HAGEE-HATE, SECOND-AMENDMENT-HATE,
AND JUST PLAIN HATE! HATE! HATE!! HATE!! HATE!!! HATE!!! HATE!!!!"
"Relax," replies the King of Lost Doubloons.
"We’re giving him a taste of his own meds.
Chill out, and have a glass of wine, and more
Of this extraordinary Jarlsberg cheese."
Lephari’s face turns purple. "JARLSBERG CHEESE!!?!?!?
ALAS FOR ME! FOR IN MY STARVING STATE
I’VE SWALLOWED VILE NORWEGIAN FOOD, THE DREGS
OF THAT FOUL WORKERS’ PARADISE, THAT DEN
OF TERRORIST, TREE-HUGGING, REINDEER-BUMPING,
HOSPITAL-SOCIALIZING, PIAPS-LOVING,
AMERICA-DESPISING VIKING SCUM!
I AM DEFILED! MY RED AMERICAN BLOOD
BEFOULED BY JARLSBERG! WOE, OH WOE IS ME!!!!
HOW SHALL I PURGE MYSELF?"

To be continued.

1 comment:

et said...

MY RED AMERICAN BLOOD
BEFOULED BY JARLSBERG! WOE, OH WOE IS ME!!!!
HOW SHALL I PURGE MYSELF?"


Ha! This very day we passed a bus shelter with an ad for All-Bran cereal, which sported the headline..."Look Out Below!"

Ewww.

I think we have the answer to Lephari's question.