Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Alas, poor Ralphy! We hardly know ye!

Where has the old fire gone?

In the past few weeks numerous observers of the Troll Party scene have remarked on the Candidate’s half-heartedness. He makes few speeches these days. Occasionally he’ll show up at a church meeting but usually he has little to add to his usual talking points: “SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING PIAPS” or “DEMLIBS HATE AMERICA!!! THEY ARE EXPOSED!!” which he throws out almost mechanically, as if he himself is sick of saying them.

His fans are desperately disappointed. "Ralph's standards have dropped in the last month or so,” remarks TB from the RALPH Appreciation Society of Australia. “In his prime he was such a visionary lunatic...a real path-non-finder, if you will,” sighs longtime Ralph-watcher ET. "Bring back our Ralphy to us, oh please."

Most disappointingly, despite entreaties from around the world, he has not produced a new chapter of “The Morning After” in months. “Maybe he has Plot Problems,” theorizes W.E. Nelson of the National Capital RALPH Appreciation Society. Professor D. Alastair MacBombast was more fulsome in his disappointment. “His narrative, hurling the reader as it did in medias res, or more exactly, in medias bumpus donutibus, built up a churning vortex of passion, a drooling expectation of what would follow. And then nothing followed. NOTHING!! NICHTS!! NADA!! SPITBALLS!!! Oh Ralphy, my Ralphy, how could you do this to us?”

RALPH has so far not explained his altered state. In general he keeps to his room in the campaign RV, Über Troll standing guard at the door with a spike-studded crowbar. Campaign Blat spends most of his time playing solitaire tiddlywinks, while the Sonny Brothers usually head for the nearest bar where they can be heard complaining about what horrible company the Candidate is, and how they're so bored they’d rather have been swallowed by a sea-monster like Prophet Lephari.

What has caused this downturn? Well, consider the sad circumstances of RALPH's life lately:
• not only have the Moment-Men failed to capture California Blat, they’ve actually become Blat’s disciples and told RALPH to take a hike;
• RALPH has failed in his quest to find a trophy wife - or any woman at all, for that matter;
• His once-beloved Konservo decided he preferred life as a female impersonator to being RALPH's follower, and he's in jail now anyway.

What can be done to revive RALPH’s campaign fire??


vermontdave said...

My Ralphie lies over the ocean,
My Ralphie lies over the sea.
My Ralphie has been bombing.
Please, bring back my Ralphie to me.

We love you. Please don't abandon your insane diatribes at this crucial moment.

'Obi wan Ralph.... You are our only hope'

et said...

[Snerf!] at "Obi-wan Ralph."

What he tells you is true...from a certain point of view!

- - - -

On a web site, built on Blogger,
Bloviating night and day,
Was a wingnut, name of Ralphie,
But his rants have gone cliché.

Oh my darling, darling Ralphie,
May your tripe not pass us by -
Keep it up until you're RALPHtured
To the Big Man in the Sky.

Anonymous said...

As I've said earlier, the last ad should really be posted on YouTube.

It may just be the thing to salvage RR's campaign...

His message will go VIRAL!!!

He's eclipse Chris Crocker and end up as a guest on the Maury Povich and Jimmy Kimmel shows...

Hey, it couldn't hurt!