Lephari in the Pirates' Lair

Lephari sits upon a pearly beach,
And glumly prays, and tears upon his hair.
Meanwhile the Newshounds of the Caribbean
Are dancing in a circle, to a tune
Bouncing from Red-Eye Dave’s harmonica.
Anon they call him, "Come and join the fun!"
But resolute Lephari shakes his head.
"I’LL HAVE NO FUN WITH LIBTARDS!" he replies.
" I’M ON A MISSION, AND IF I SUCCEED
I’LL SAVE THE WORLD FROM DIRE CALAMITY -
IN OTHER WORDS, FROM PIAPS AND FROM YOU!!!"
The Newshounds laugh, and then begin to sing,

What shall we do with Rapture Ralphy,
What shall we do with Rapture Ralphy,
What shall we do with Rapture Ralphy
Early in the morning?

And Dead-Eye Ori sings out the reply,

Put him in a dress and call him PIAPS,
Put him in a dress and call him PIAPS
Put him in a dress and call him PIAPS
Early in the morning.

Anon a rowboat cruncheth into shore -
It is the Mad Canucks; their boat is laden
With two-fours and with Timbits succulent.
They disembark, a-shouting all at once.
"Great news, my friends!" cries Okanagan Laddie.
"A ship ripe for the looting comes this way!"
He opens up an Export with his teeth.
"And what a ship!" says Jolly Nell. "For ‘tis
The cruise-ship of the National Review,
With Kristol, Malkin and Joe Lieberman,
And Bill O’Reilly as a special guest!"

Oh how the pirates whoop and cheer and dance!
"Hurrah!" they cry. "The Rabid Right is ours!
We’ll feast upon their lobster and champagne!
We’ll take their ship and sail it down to Rio,
And spend their loot in Ipanema Bay!
And as for Lord Falafel..." they begin
To outline, at great length, their plans for him,
And they draw lots for who shall have the honor
Of making Bill O’Reilly walk the plank.
"DESIST, YE LIBTARDS VILE!!" Lephari shrieks.
"YOU HATE AMERICA! YOU ARE EXPOSED!!
YOU SHALL NOT TORMENT FAIR-AND-BALANCED BILL,
NOR SUBJECT HIM TO DEGRADATIONS VILE
YOU LEARNED WHILE LICKING SKANKY PIAPS’ FEET!!"
"Relax," says ET Blue, "and have a doughnut."
But nothing stops our wild Lephari’s rant.
"BEWARE OF ME!" he screams. "FOR I SHALL GO
TO BILL O’REILLY AND HIS RIGHTEOUS FEW,
AND WARN THEM OF YOUR FOUL NEFARIOUS PLANS!"
"Oh no!" the pirates say, "We won’t have that!"
And IB Blackheart thus begins to sing:

Put him in the hold without his cap-lock
Put him in the hold without his cap-lock
Put him in the hold without his cap-lock
Early in the morning.

And to the ship they drag our poor Lephari,
And lock him in the hold; and at the door
They leave the Newshounds’ hound, fierce Baskerville
Who snarls with every move Lephari makes.
The ship begins to move; the rafters creak,
The sails go whipping in the freshening wind.
And crouched inside the hold Lephari hears
The voices of the Newshounds lift in song:

Blow ye winds, heigh-ho
A pirating we go!
We’ll give the Right
One hell of a fright.
They’ll shiver from head to toe

How our Lephari hammers on the door!
Alas, to no avail.
...to be continued.